Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

[Cheesehound]

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

Haha...no obviously. I was not meaning they get married themselves....! To marry people as in join a couple together in holy matrimony!

Nothing wrong with having a party to celebrate the wedding.

But having bridesmaids and a hen do etc is treating it like it’s the actual wedding. Which it isn’t.

The wedding is the legal bit. Whether people have it in a registry office or church or the grounds of some Manor House.

The rest is the reception/party. OP’s friend has done the legal bit. If she wants to celebrate the wedding with a party then she should tell people that they’re having a party to celebrate their marriage. Not a wedding. Because it isn’t a wedding. And bridesmaids and the like are then superfluous.

C of E only, I think. My cousin assumed that Catholic priests could do the full ceremony and register the marriage but they were sadly mistaken - and unmarried at the end of the day

Yes, that's so that a registrar can be at the ceremony to register the marriage - the priest can't do it.

Incorrect

No
The legal bit is rhe marriage. It's literally signing a piece of paper

The wedding is the vows etc which they will do in front of guests and family.

I'd still go to the party but I wouldn't treat it as a wedding anymore. No forking out a ton of cash for one. No hen, what's the point, she's already married. No gifts just turn up to wish her well.

I find it bizarre how all of you are all now saying the big celebration is not the wedding & so wouldn’t bother with gifts etc. it’s still as good as, it’s where they’re declaring their commitment in front of all their friends and family, you’re all being fed & entertained at great expense. They probably class that as their official wedding. It’s modern times. Everyone needs to chill.

No. A wedding is the formal joining together of two people Marriage is everything that comes afterwards, cake, picking up underpants off the floor, the whole enchilada.

How do you not know this?

I would feel hurt & pull out of the hen do, let the other bridesmaids sort it out and pay for that now, just go to the wedding party and enjoy it, then put it behind you and stay friends

Someone at work did this, arranged a wedding and invited everyone, for them all to find out they’d been married 6 months. I don’t get it. I understand some getting married abroad and then having a party back home, but they’re open about it. In your shoes I would be hurt and less reluctant to attend, but there could be reasons. I’d establish those first before making any decisions.

Well I posted about my cousin's wedding party in Canada. They did not do vows. It was a party with a meal and speeches but no vows, no celebrant.

The legal bit is not ‘just signing a bit of paper’. The vows are part of the marriage contract. You can’t get married without the statutory vows.

personal vows are completely discretionary but don’t form part of the marriage contract. It is lovely that a couple would want to say them in front of family and friends but they don’t make a marriage binding.

this is why some people feel it is important to go to the ceremony with the statutory vows as they are the ones that cement the marriage contract.

It sounds like the legal marriage wasn't an important event to her and she sees the event you are invited to as the main event. Maybe she just didn't want you to have to travel a distance, take time off work and spend money for something that to her isn't a big deal and probably a boring day in comparison to the main event.
I wouldn't be upset if I was in your position.

I think your feelings are totally valid but she may have a very reasonable explanation for not inviting you. When my husband and I got married we really wanted a celebrant as they can really personalise the service to you, which registrars cannot. Unfortunately celebrants can't actually marry you, so you have to go and get the legal marriage bit done separately (either before or after the wedding service / celebration). We opted to have a very low-key legal marriage, we invited no guests except for my maid of honour and her husband who were actually there to be our witnesses (as you need two witnesses to be married) and we went for a pub lunch afterwards as it was around lunchtime and we were hungry, but the meal wasn't planned and the day was no big deal - we see our proper wedding day as the day we had all our guests witness our celebrant led service, exchanged rings, wore a wedding dress / suit, cut our wedding cake, etc. Maybe your friend sees her formal marriage the same way and the legal bit just wasn't a big deal to her at all? Either way I definitely think a gentle ask as to why you weren't invited can't hurt, hopefully it'll put your mind at ease ❤️

Hope you've had a lovely day out @Cheesehound and chance to have a think.

I do think you need to phone your friend and have a proper conversation about this. No, you can't change what has happened, but this happening has changed the way you feel about it all (understandably) and she will pick up on that anyway, if you try to supress it. Better to clear the air now.

You are 100% not overreacting. Mostly it seems like it’s all been kept secret from you and for that I’d feel hurt too.
If the bride had been open about the ceremony from the start then maybe I’d see it differently but there’s obviously been discussions and planning with the other bridesmaids privately. I don’t understand why she didn’t mention it to you when she asked you to be bridesmaid and also why didn’t any of the other bridesmaids mention it to you? It all sounds a bit hush and secretive.
I was bridesmaid for my best friend but due to her separated family dynamics they decided to have a small registry then have a big party afterwards including us bridesmaids, the fact is once she decided this she kept us all in the loop and there was no issue. I’d have been upset if she did this without telling me so it’s understandable that you’re miffed.
I’d have a gentle chat with her and just ask why you weren’t even told about her plans and that you’d expect to have at least known about it if not given the choice to attend.

This and similar posts like it is such a ridiculous reaction - talk about jumping to conclusions!

I bet it went something like this:

We want a humanist ceremony but it's not legal so we need to do the legal papers separately.

They've got a date for a quick cheap legal ceremony in their tiniest room free in April - great!

We need witnesses - let's just ask local bridesmaid and local best man.

Oh well local bridesmaid no.2 might be a bit put out if I don't invite her as well, so let's do that.

Let's not invite the parents as that starts getting numbers up, let's just stick to local people.

And I'd better not invite Cheesehound as she's from our of town and if I invite her and family member x and y find out they'll kick off.

Oh bloody hell bridesmaid no1 has invited her DH and kids! Bit awks but I suppose that's ok. Better extend the invite to Best Man's GF too.

We're now at max numbers for the room and it's just a piece of paper really so let's not bother mentioning it to anyone else. The big day with all our lovely friends and family is what really matters and what we'll consider our wedding day.

Oh no, I am so sorry.

I know it’s their wedding etc, but upfront and clear would have saved a lot of heartache here.
Are they having a religious wedding or is it overseas hence needing the legal bit first? If religious the legal / civil bit would often not be seen as the real wedding, but would need witnesses. It still would have been better to have been clear with everyone - imagine other family members missing out too.

I don’t think many would blame you if you delicately pulled out of any further plans, but do check first the background either with a bridesmaid or calmly ask the bride.

Surely she was thinking of you by not telling you: she knows you are already put out by making the hen and the party, she probably felt if she mentioned this to you you would have felt obligated to come, and she didn't want that.

This wouldn't bother me. Just be a grown up and talk to her.

I'm Scottish and quite a few of my Scottish friends who live in England have done this - because in England for some reason humanist ceremonies aren't legal. But they don't want to make all their guests who live locally trek up to Scotland for the wedding. I'd just view it as - they had to do the paperwork so made a nice day of it with people who were local, and the actual thing that means something to them is the thing you're involved in.

I would pull out of WhatsApp group and stop all contact and wait till she contacts you.

Just ask her, OP. These things don't have to be mysterious to be guessed at and speculated about. 'So, you're already married and didn't invite me although I'm one of the bridesmaids. What was that about?' There will be a reason and it's unlikely she intended to hurt you - why would she?

Sorry, but one wedding per marriage.

Can’t have it both ways.

Did all of your invitees know that they weren’t witnessing the legal wedding?

Hoodwinking people is a fraud and a farce.