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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
pimplebum · 13/04/2025 13:29

Something similar happened to me , I attending best friends wedding with a vicar officiating while we were sitting at tables in a cricket club

later found out it was a “ fake” wedding and they had been legally married the day before with two friends as witnesses

as her best friend I would have liked to have been asked to be a witness and like you I would have put myself out to be there and seen the legal part. I was hurt it was kept secret from me and only revealed when I questioned later why they didn’t sign a register

but they did what they wanted their way and I’ve never mentioned it again

Shubbypubby · 13/04/2025 13:30

She should’ve been up front from the start then you could’ve made an informed choice. She isn’t “wrong” as such to have two weddings but it the way she has gone about it is incredibly hurtful and duplicitous. And personally I think the whole thing is really weird.

Italiangreyhound · 13/04/2025 13:32

Cheesehound in your shoes

I would talk to her and find out what happened and why you were not invited.

I think it sounds like a real shame she did not tell you beforehand and I would consider it an issue that has upset you. So worth talking about.

Good luck.

FreeRider · 13/04/2025 13:33

A friend of my husband's got married about 25 years ago, abroad. At the time neither of us were highly paid and really couldn't afford to go, so we declined the invitation. I'd always felt a bit guilty about not going, as they'd made quite a fuss about it.

A couple of years ago, we met up with the couple (they now live abroad) and the wife told us that her mother was very angry with her, because she'd accidently let slip that they had actually got married in a UK registry office 6 months before the overseas 'wedding'. Their witnesses were two work colleagues of the groom's...her parents had paid for the overseas 'wedding', it was extremely expensive. Not a single guest at the overseas 'wedding' knew that they were already married...

I was pretty annoyed tbh. We'd seriously considered getting into serious debt to attend their 'wedding'...it would have cost at least £5K for us to attend.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/04/2025 13:37

My “best” friend did this and I was extremely hurt. She had been my bridesmaid and I had been a really good friend to her over many years. She had others in our friendship group there but excluded me. Never explained why but did try to say it was “just family” when it absolutely wasn’t. I did go to the reception after but was frankly embarrassed because I hadn’t been invited to the actual ceremony. Our friendship was never quite the same for me and I let it go in the end and we no longer have contact. It really hurt me.

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:41

I'd hazard a guess that bride and her local friends already have a Whatsapp group which OP is not part of for planning nights out/chatting etc anyway...

Since OP doesn't really know these people

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:42

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/04/2025 12:23

So why keep it secret from OP? If I'd done this and decided not to invite of my bridesmaids I'd have at least had the decency to say sorry, the numbers mean I can't invite you, I hope you understand.

Even if I decided to go to the summer 'wedding' I wouldn't be going to the hen and wouldn't be spending large amounts of money on the bride or the 'wedding'.

Show quote history

It wasn't a secret...

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/04/2025 13:43

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:41

I'd hazard a guess that bride and her local friends already have a Whatsapp group which OP is not part of for planning nights out/chatting etc anyway...

Since OP doesn't really know these people

That's fair enough but to not invite one bridesmaid, not mention it at all and still expect OP to fork out on going to the hen and the pretend wedding is very unfair.

Windywuss · 13/04/2025 13:47

rrrrrreatt · 13/04/2025 13:25

I’m not sure it’s a “trap”, nearly all the weddings I’ve been to in the last few years have been celebrant led and the couples have known they’ll need to do a separate legal ceremony. Registry offices can’t accommodate any religious/spiritual traditions and most people aren’t Christian these days so a church isn’t a suitable alternative.

I think couples have to do what works for them and their beliefs, they don't owe guests the wedding they want (eg a legally binding one). I do think the fact they didn’t tell OP is a problem though, if it’s what’s right for them they shouldn’t be hiding it from people.

Show quote history

In the UK, there are plenty of venues where you can be legally married, aside from registry offices and churches. Then some have this celebrant business instead. It's a bit of a Mish mash it seems.

I was married in a venue by a registrar so not a church or hotel but all legal and one ceremony.

A friend... thinking about it now, was married in front of us all but had also had legal registry office do the day before. We found out on the day. I don't think it's uncommon for couples not to tell people. I guess they want them to come to the main do and not the legal one.

blubberyboo · 13/04/2025 13:54

Drivingmissrangey · 13/04/2025 08:41

OP it sounds like you are making a bigger deal out of it than the bride is. It’s very common if marrying abroad for people to have a small legal ceremony followed by a meal but typically the bride and groom see the big celebration day as their actual wedding day. It’s often hardly mentioned because it’s not the important bit for them.

Odd she didn’t mention it but if people start travelling from far and wide it makes it into a much bigger deal.

That only makes sense if they didn't have all the families and other bridesmaid there.

OP isn't simply a guest. She is meant to be a bridesmaid. Now as it turns only a bridesmaid to a fake wedding and she wasnt even told about the real ceremony until it was too late to go with no invite.

OP. It was really hurtful of the bride not to even include you in the plans for this so YANBU. I too would be put out at this fundamental role change and secrecy behind my back. I would not want to put any effort or expense into the hen or big fake day.

NoTouch · 13/04/2025 14:09

Each to their own for how much of a farce they want to make their "wedding", but they should have been up front about what they were doing when expecting your to spend time and money organising and attending their "faux" wedding.

Someone you are close to getting married is a special moment in their life and that moment has now passed.

You need to talk to her, explain how upset you are and the awkward position she has put you in of being the bridesmaid outside of her inner circle that they all kept secrets from and see what she says before doing anything rash.

GirlWhatHaveYouDoneYoureAPinkPonyGirl · 13/04/2025 14:12

Totally normal to separate legals these days, weddings have changed a lot in the past 5 years, the legal transaction is a digital certificate, 52 word exchange and no rings or vows required.
This is my industry and you need to stop viewing the legal transaction as the ‘wedding’ . view it like they are, like doing the legal transaction to get a birth certificate and then having the christening/naming afterwards. Nobody says the birth certificate but was the ‘official naming’ do they?

PinkiOcelot · 13/04/2025 14:13

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:24

It wasn't hush hush
OP said the legal bit was mentioned in the chat
Photos are being shared

Hardly hush hush

Show quote history

Mmmmmmmm. The fact the OP didn’t find out about it until after the event it was hush hush! What would you call it?

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 14:16

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/04/2025 13:43

That's fair enough but to not invite one bridesmaid, not mention it at all and still expect OP to fork out on going to the hen and the pretend wedding is very unfair.

Show quote history

It was mentioned
She wasn't invited because it was just signing the legal paperwork with 2 witnesses who happened to be bridesmaids at the wedding. For all we know they are the ones who insisted their families attend and arranged the meal

It's fucking pretending

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 14:17

PinkiOcelot · 13/04/2025 14:13

Mmmmmmmm. The fact the OP didn’t find out about it until after the event it was hush hush! What would you call it?

Show quote history

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day

She wasn't told AFTER

BlushingBrightly · 13/04/2025 14:19

GirlWhatHaveYouDoneYoureAPinkPonyGirl · 13/04/2025 14:12

Totally normal to separate legals these days, weddings have changed a lot in the past 5 years, the legal transaction is a digital certificate, 52 word exchange and no rings or vows required.
This is my industry and you need to stop viewing the legal transaction as the ‘wedding’ . view it like they are, like doing the legal transaction to get a birth certificate and then having the christening/naming afterwards. Nobody says the birth certificate but was the ‘official naming’ do they?

But no one's dressing up in a christening outfit and then going out for a celebratory meal with family and godparents after they get their baby's birth certificate, are they? These parallels really don't work.

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 14:24

It's not a fake wedding FFS

Some of you are so condescending and feel so entitled to people's lives

They have invited people to the bit THEY find important. The bit they want to share and feel is special and where they'll actually say their vows but some of you would bin this off because you didn't see them sign a bit of paper?

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 14:25

BlushingBrightly · 13/04/2025 14:19

But no one's dressing up in a christening outfit and then going out for a celebratory meal with family and godparents after they get their baby's birth certificate, are they? These parallels really don't work.

Show quote history

Bride didn't go out with family either....

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 13/04/2025 14:27

That’s very hurtful OP.

Your friend can dress it up all she likes, but the groomsman (is that a Best Man?) and all the bridesmaids except you were there.

Sometimes the way we think about people and the importance they have in our lives isn’t reciprocated.

JoshLymanSwagger · 13/04/2025 14:27

Signing the legal paperwork is the wedding.

Sorry you've been duped @Cheesehound but your "friend" isn't the bride anymore, she's the wife.

Don't waste time or money on this. It's just a party.

CantStopMoving · 13/04/2025 14:31

GirlWhatHaveYouDoneYoureAPinkPonyGirl · 13/04/2025 14:12

Totally normal to separate legals these days, weddings have changed a lot in the past 5 years, the legal transaction is a digital certificate, 52 word exchange and no rings or vows required.
This is my industry and you need to stop viewing the legal transaction as the ‘wedding’ . view it like they are, like doing the legal transaction to get a birth certificate and then having the christening/naming afterwards. Nobody says the birth certificate but was the ‘official naming’ do they?

But a marriage is, at its base level, a contract. The rest of it isn’t actually necessary.

like I said, I was happy to go to a ‘wedding’ abroad but we absolutely knew beforehand they were already married and yes it did somewhat change the experience of the ceremony. There is something different about being there at the moment the marriage contract is made. It is a big deal. Having a religious blessing (which essentially is what a non binding wedding is) isn’t quite the same thing although still lovely in its own right.

Registering a birth and a christening are 2 entirely different things.

Riaanna · 13/04/2025 14:32

Absolutely leave it. The celebration is the thing that matters with family. Who knows why they’re doing it this way?

grandnational · 13/04/2025 14:33

@GirlWhatHaveYouDoneYoureAPinkPonyGirl Totally normal to separate legals these days... birth certificate but was the ‘official naming’ do they?

Agree! We also have funerals after death certificates have been signed - and sometimes apart from the burial or cremation. What people see as valid varies a lot.

AllrightNowBaby · 13/04/2025 14:34

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:46

Absolutely @Ketryne - I haven’t said anything as of yet and honestly may never do. Our friendship is important to me. I would never go in all guns blazing as a) it’s not my way and b) I don’t want to upset her or make this all about me, it’s her thing. I might just have to sit on my feelings really and just enjoy the hen do and summer celebration.

This is the most sensible thing you have said, she probably didn’t ask you to come to the registry wedding as you live so far away and the big Wedding is the one that you are invited to.
Stop being hurt and making it all about you, it’s your friends wedding and she’s just doing the best she can.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 13/04/2025 14:36

inkognitha · 13/04/2025 13:24

Asking ppl to be bridesmaids and purposefully hiding from them an event where all other bridesmaids have been invited at the same time, it is a bit much.

Yeah. If you decide to go, I'd give your husband the choice of whether he wants to. I'd find it pointless, and she's not his friend.