Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

[Cheesehound]

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

My cousin got married in Canada. She is lesbian, it was back in 2005 I think. Gay marriage wasn't legal here but it was in Canada. My elderly parents were going to the wedding - they were a bit surprised, I think, as it wasn't a thing here, but they were very excited

Then they discovered the couple had had a legal wedding several months in advance like you describe - most of the family in Canada attended and there was a meal. They did this because there was a concern that gay marriage might be outlawed by the new administration.

Anyway, my mother in particular was beside herself that we hadn't been invited and that they were basically travelling for a party.

She would have preferred to attend the formal marriage.

So I do sympathise with you. I do agree you should have been invited.

Personally, I wouldn't go - no point in spending a fortune on what is now just any old party. And I would tell her that: "Now you're married, this is just a party. I'd have put money aside to spend on your wedding, but I can't justify spending £££ on going to a party, sorry."

So why keep it secret from OP? If I'd done this and decided not to invite of my bridesmaids I'd have at least had the decency to say sorry, the numbers mean I can't invite you, I hope you understand.

Even if I decided to go to the summer 'wedding' I wouldn't be going to the hen and wouldn't be spending large amounts of money on the bride or the 'wedding'.

Friends who have done this have seen the party as their wedding, its due to the law other then in Scotland where you csn get married anywhere.

It still sounds small with the main event being the party and celebrant side of things.
I would be happy to avoid 2 trips with hotels tbh!

It's not longer a wedding that you'd be attending so the 'hen do' is superfluous... and you're no longer available to attend.

I agree with your husband and I would be angry for you too.

This is a friend of 15 years, it's a shame that she doesn't hold this in the same esteem that you do. Your job is done.

For us, June is the real wedding. We are both Catholic, it’s a full Mass. We consider it the real date and that’s when we will celebrate our anniversary. The registry office is just because we couldn’t do the paperwork for abroad in time and it was a pre-requisite for the church to marry us if the ceremony there was to not be legally binding (as we’d have to get a dispensation from the diocese otherwise). So no, it’s not just a blessing.

To the people suggesting that the friend clearly thinks something of the OP to have asked her to be a bridesmaid, that simply isn’t true, Because the OP is no longer a bridesmaid because the wedding has happened.

This do in the summer is a party. No more. There won’t be bridesmaids there will be people dressed up in pretty dresses. The bride won’t be a hen before the party because she’s already married, the hen is the celebration of the bride’s last night of freedom (although these days people seem to have hen do’s equivalent to the average upmarket holiday.

And to the people comparing to other cultures where the legal bit is done prior to the afterparty, the difference is that everyone knows that this is the way it’s done. In this instance the bride has had a secret wedding, has binned off one of her bridesmaids, and is now going to have a pretence party where people are going to be led to believe they’re going to a wedding. They’re not. They’re going to a party.

For the poster who said she’s doing it the same way, your do in France isn’t a wedding either. It may be a wedding celebration, but you are already married.

Fine to tell people that you got married and to come to your blessing/celebration.

But to make people think that this is your actual wedding while you’ve been married all along really isn’t.

But legally it is. That’s the point. There is a difference between legal and religious ceremonies. Your legal certificate you have to produce as your wedding certificate is your formal civil one. That is the recorded date of your wedding. You are officially married at that point. The religious side of things js different and absolutely you want to be married in church but the fact is you are legally married at that point already. That is the debate here. Some people consider it important to be at the wedding where the legalities happen as that is the official legal date of the wedding. Other people aren’t bothered and just happy to be there at the religious ceremony later. The OP clearly felt they wanted to be there are the point the legal ceremony happened as they felt that was the important moment.

This is an odd concept to me. A legal marriage ceremony with bridesmaids and groomsmen (but not parents) and then afterwards a "hen do", "stag do", and months later dressing up in full wedding garb with a non legally binding ceremony in front of all your family and friends. When you're already legally married and have been for months. What's the point?

I'm glad I'm too old for this shit. What possible reason is there for two weddings?
In your position I would pull out of everything as I would be incredibly hurt. If she thought it was too much for you she could have explained it first and given you the opportunity to go or not. Just sounds like an excuse for two events.

It's not a hen do or stag if you're already married, it's just a piss up.

I understand your point, but ultimately it’s the choice of the bride which she thinks is more important. For us, we will have a marriage certificate dated the June wedding which we’ll need to produce in all catechistic circumstances (baptism of children etc). It is the point we will have the sacrament of holy matrimony and to us, that’s much more significant than a contract. I do get that people see it differently and I’d be surprised if our situation is the same because you can do legal Catholic Church weddings here in the UK, but I don’t get the insistence on being there when the contract is signed if there’s something more important to the couple for religious/spiritual reasons (again, we don’t know what the case is here).

The question is how was this all arranged without one single text in the existing WhatsApp group?

There must be a second group, and the question is why?

The Hen do will inevitably be full of chat about the wedding that the OP didn't know about and was excluded from.

Why on earth would she put herself through that?

As for dragging the entire family along for an expensive part? Again why bother if it is just a party?

OP's husband is upset on her behalf, which is telling.

I hope there is some completely reasonable explanation for this, but I cannot imagine what it is.

I wanted to add to my story of the Canadian lesbian wedding, we all went in the end - me, my husband and two children and my parents. It was just a late afternoon / evening event in a hall. It lacked the focal point of the wedding ceremony. There were speeches but they didn't bother with formal photographs like you might do - there was no trip to a park to get lovely shots as they had done that at the first event. They did have a photographer but he was mostly snapping the guests.

And yes their anniversary was the day of the marriage, not the party.

What’s the point of the wedding if it has neither legal nor religious significance? It’s more like cosplay. How very odd. Will you see friends there? If not, I’d pull out.

I think she should have done you the courtesy of asking.

I wouldn't be going to the hen do & I might go to the celebration alone or just with husband if it would be a nice day/evening & not too much trouble.

No

A MARRIAGE is joining two people. A WEDDING is a celebration

It's the same as getting huffy you didn't get to go to other legal bits but were invited to the celebration part

Tbh it sounds like that was just the legal bit & they consider the wedding with the celebrant to be the real deal. It wouldn’t bother me so much

@Cheesehound I can understand why you're feeling a little hurt OP, but I think you need to reframe this in your mind because I think you're getting hung up on your and the other two friends' status as "bridesmaids", but if you remove this word the situation becomes much clearer and less emotive.
You say that the registry office ceremony plus meal included only the bride, groom, two friends (the other bridesmaids), their DHs and kids - not even their own parents or siblings. So essentially, the bride and groom wanted to go out for a small meal after their legal ceremony and invited her two closest local friends and their DHs. I think that sounds perfectly reasonable and not meant to slight you, or any of the other very important guests to the summer "wedding" party, at all - and I'm sure your friend would be mortified if she thought that's how you view it. (If these two local friends weren't also bridesmaids would you be so upset?)
I honestly wouldn't say anything to your friend OP. I don't think she meant to deliberately exclude anyone special to her - surely her and her DH's own family members should feel slighted if so? I suspect she and her DH didn't want to have the legal ceremony and just go home straight after so booked a meal for them and the friends who probably acted as the two witnesses that are required.

i totally get that and for most people they wouldn’t be at all bothered. I can totally understand though that for some people the marriage happens at the point the legal contacts are signed regardless of religious ceremony later and regardless of the bride and groom’s views.

I think I'd be prepared to resign as chief bridesmaid and also the friendship too. I think that's pretty poor on her part.

I was bridesmaid for a friend who did the legal bit separately. Only invited one bridesmaid as a witness (4 bridesmaids total). She lives a bit of a distance away but nothing too major. Her reasoning was that she wanted the actual wedding day to be the main event - not the legal bit - and put all the fuss into the full wedding day. She didn't want to take from that by turning the legal bit into a big deal. I totally understood. However I'd be a bit miffed if I was the only one uninvited and they had made a nice day of it together without me.. do you know if they celebrated/had a nice meal etc that day? I think you definitely need to speak to her to understand her reasoning. Then it depends what she says as to how you feel after that.

Some couples do not regard themselves as properly married until they take their vows in the religious ceremony. For people with religious faith, fair enough.

However this bride's plan for a celebrant in a stately home months later doesn't sound to me as if there's a religious element at all so the situation is very different.

It wasn't hush hush
OP said the legal bit was mentioned in the chat
Photos are being shared

Hardly hush hush

Asking ppl to be bridesmaids and purposefully hiding from them an event where all other bridesmaids have been invited at the same time, it is a bit much.

I’m not sure it’s a “trap”, nearly all the weddings I’ve been to in the last few years have been celebrant led and the couples have known they’ll need to do a separate legal ceremony. Registry offices can’t accommodate any religious/spiritual traditions and most people aren’t Christian these days so a church isn’t a suitable alternative.

I think couples have to do what works for them and their beliefs, they don't owe guests the wedding they want (eg a legally binding one). I do think the fact they didn’t tell OP is a problem though, if it’s what’s right for them they shouldn’t be hiding it from people.