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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:30

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 09:45

@justteanbiscuits The legal part isn't important outside of, well, the legal bit.

The "legal bit"is the most important part of a marriage.
It is the start of a new relationship in law, a legal union of two individuals. It is a contract that two people enter into and has to have particular wording to be valid. It contains promises that the two parties make to each other.

A legal marriage also provides various legal and financial protections to both partners. It establishes joint ownership of assets, including property, savings, and investments, which can be divided fairly in the event of divorce. Marriage also grants tax benefits and inheritance rights to the surviving spouse, offering financial security. Additionally, it simplifies parental rights, ensures access to pensions, and provides legal standing in matters like healthcare decisions and next of kin status

It is, sadly, the part that solicitors have to undo if everything goes pear-shaped.

The wedding is a celebration of the new life the couple have chosen together.

What I meant was, the legal bit has no real importance to the guests. The weddings I have been to where the legal bit had been done, was so they could get married where they wanted, in the manner they wanted, rather than only licensed venues. One was in the middle of nature reserve, another in the persons back garden, and another was because they wanted a traditional Wiccan ceremony. All 3 were beautiful, and they said their vows (and more) but in the way they wanted to, not constrained by how they had to.

You don't invite people to the signing of mortgage documents, or a will. They saw this in a similar way. The legal bit was just the legal bit. Their wedding, which they celebrate, was when they shared their love and vows with their loved ones.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:36

DearDenimEagle · 15/04/2025 10:17

You can be married with just the legal bit.

You cannot be married with just the dress and party.
That’s how important the legal bit is. The vows, the commitment, the promises to love etc happens at the legal bit.

How anyone can think the fancy venue and a dress make a marriage is beyond me

What commitment to love etc are included in the legal vows? The legal part of the vows is:

"I declare that I know of no legal reason why I (your name) may not be joined in marriage to (your partners name)"
&
"I (your name) take you (your partners name) to be my wedded wife/husband"

OR

"I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I (your name) may not be joined in matrimony to (your partners name)"
&
"I call upon these persons here present to witness that I (your name)do take thee (your partners name) to be my lawful wedded wife/husband"

There is now vow to love, or honour, or worship etc in law. They are just there as filling - no different from them saying it without a legal registrar there and a piece of paper to sign.

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:43

@justteanbiscuits There is now vow to love, or honour, or worship etc in law.

There can be -

https://www.rochdale.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/choose-vows-declaration

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 10:44

TheHerboriste · 15/04/2025 09:47

Not necessarily more meaningful to their invitees, though.

Watching two already-married people performatively talk to one another in fancy dress is not meaningful to those who thought they were invited to an actual wedding.

Show quote history

Watching 2 people sign a piece of paper is nothing compared to them saying meaningful words of dedicaiton

Lots of place, BTW, you don't watch this. It happens in another room whilst you just sit there bored and waiting...

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 10:46

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 09:48

@HuffleMyPuffle They'll still make vows though
More meaningful than "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take them as my spouse "

Maybe more meaningful to the couple, but such vows don't count legally.

Well to me them making a declaration of love and commitment is more important than some legal gumph

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:51

@HuffleMyPuffle Well to me them making a declaration of love and commitment is more important than some legal gumph

It's the "legal gumph" that gives the protection in law. That soon becomes apparent to people getting divorced. 🙄

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 10:53

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:43

@justteanbiscuits There is now vow to love, or honour, or worship etc in law.

There can be -

https://www.rochdale.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/choose-vows-declaration

Edited

But they don't use that at standard...

Because it's just some legal agreement unless you make the choice for this to be your only wedding

If you are having a fancy venue etc then to you the wedding will be the bit where you DO make the vows of love, cherish, honour, to be with them in sickness and in health. To devote yourself to them

The important bit

You can have a civil partnership or even get a cohabitation arrangement which provides lots of legal protections without being a WEDDING with the declarations of love and a partnership with love and devotion can exist without a wedding.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:53

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:43

@justteanbiscuits There is now vow to love, or honour, or worship etc in law.

There can be -

https://www.rochdale.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/choose-vows-declaration

Edited

There can be obviously. You can write your own, long vows if you want, as long as the legal part is included. But you don't have to.

The vows someone chooses to make are what is important. And if they choose to make those declarations outside of a limited legal setting, then that is what should be celebrated.

If I had chosen this route (I really wish I had thought of the idea before my own wedding), anyone who was upset about could happily choose not to attend. But they must also understand that our relationship will be severely affected by it. Like our vegetarian buffet in the evening - I have literally had zero contact with the two people who kicked off about it since our wedding twenty odd years ago because I consider them utterly pathetic!

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 10:55

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:51

@HuffleMyPuffle Well to me them making a declaration of love and commitment is more important than some legal gumph

It's the "legal gumph" that gives the protection in law. That soon becomes apparent to people getting divorced. 🙄

Edited

The legal bit is also what people sign to buy a new house - I don't witness that to celebrate with them

There are lots of legal bits which happen in life which we don't witness but we celebrate the important part of what that legal paperwork means

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 10:55

Well as many women find men can say a lot of words about commitment but refuse to do the legal bit, and those women can find themselves in a horrible position. The legal bit is they important bit and shows real commitment

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:57

Hasn't anyone been to a non Church of England wedding in a place of worship? Only CofE vicars are automatically legal registrars. A Jewish wedding I went to, the bride and groom went off to the registry office the next day for the legal bit. My own Mums Catholic wedding they had to have a registrar attend and do the legal bit. All Hindu, Muslim and Sikh weddings I have been to, the bride and groom were already legally married in English law at the registry office, because their religious ceremonies wouldn't be legal under English law. I'd forgotten about those!

Guinessandafire · 15/04/2025 10:59

It's an interesting one.

What is a wedding anyway? you don't actually get to see papers being signed most of the time, which is the legal bit.

As a guest you get to see a 'ceremony' and attend a party.

It shouldn't matter that a legal ceremony has already taken place, but quite honestly it sounds like there is a inner circle that has attended a deeply personal ceremony, and then the rest that are there to for the ' show' , the photos and the party.

The key is how disrespected you feel by not attending the ' inner circle' ceremony. You can still have a great day at the fake wedding.

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:59

@HuffleMyPuffle But they don't use that at standard...

No but couples can ask for it.

In any event, if couples think the "legal bit" is pointless they can have a Handfasting Ceremony or a Humanist Wedding.

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 10:59

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:57

Hasn't anyone been to a non Church of England wedding in a place of worship? Only CofE vicars are automatically legal registrars. A Jewish wedding I went to, the bride and groom went off to the registry office the next day for the legal bit. My own Mums Catholic wedding they had to have a registrar attend and do the legal bit. All Hindu, Muslim and Sikh weddings I have been to, the bride and groom were already legally married in English law at the registry office, because their religious ceremonies wouldn't be legal under English law. I'd forgotten about those!

Well according to a considerable number of posters here these people are liars and manipulative and them wanting to do their wedding their way is hoodwinking people 😒

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 11:01

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:59

@HuffleMyPuffle But they don't use that at standard...

No but couples can ask for it.

In any event, if couples think the "legal bit" is pointless they can have a Handfasting Ceremony or a Humanist Wedding.

They can but if they are just doing this for the legal bit they probably won't

And that's what they are then doing. They are doing the legal bit because it's needed but to them it's not the important bit for people to see. They want people to see them make declarations of love, the legal bit is just paperwork

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:03

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:59

@HuffleMyPuffle But they don't use that at standard...

No but couples can ask for it.

In any event, if couples think the "legal bit" is pointless they can have a Handfasting Ceremony or a Humanist Wedding.

Which is exactly the point of many of the comments. Do the legal bit for legal purposes, but something like a handfasting is probably more important to them, and that is what they want to share with their loved ones. In England a Humanist ceremony or handfasting isn't legal.

mondaytosunday · 15/04/2025 11:03

A friend had a registry office wedding with just herself and parents. Then she had a church ‘wedding’ with all the bells and whistles.
In you case I’d reply: ‘oh? Shame I didn’t know as I could have joined the other bridesmaids - was there a reason you didn’t include me’? Let her be embarrassed and try and come up with a reply! She’s probably relying on you being all English about it and not saying anything!

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:03

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 10:55

Well as many women find men can say a lot of words about commitment but refuse to do the legal bit, and those women can find themselves in a horrible position. The legal bit is they important bit and shows real commitment

How true this is !

How many posts do we see on the "Relationship" pages where women are financially disadvantaged because they have kids with some waster without getting married and end up subsidising this ubiquitous "cocklodger" 🙄

outerspacepotato · 15/04/2025 11:04

If they're asked when did they get married, they'll give the day they got married legally, not the party day.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:05

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:03

How true this is !

How many posts do we see on the "Relationship" pages where women are financially disadvantaged because they have kids with some waster without getting married and end up subsidising this ubiquitous "cocklodger" 🙄

Show quote history

This isn't about NOT getting married though, is it. It's just about choosing different ways to celebrate a wedding.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:07

outerspacepotato · 15/04/2025 11:04

If they're asked when did they get married, they'll give the day they got married legally, not the party day.

None of my friends who did the legal bit separately do though. They all say their wedding date is the day they celebrated and shared their love with everyone. Not the day they signed a bit of paper. Speak to anyone from a different religion about what they consider their wedding day - the registry office for the legal bit, or the big wonderful happy celebration?

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:10

@justteanbiscuits some couples do the religious bit but not the legal bit. See that quite often on here, so man will have declared his love and then leave the woman high and dry.

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 11:13

outerspacepotato · 15/04/2025 11:04

If they're asked when did they get married, they'll give the day they got married legally, not the party day.

Not necessarily

Many PP have said differently

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 11:16

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:10

@justteanbiscuits some couples do the religious bit but not the legal bit. See that quite often on here, so man will have declared his love and then leave the woman high and dry.

That is possibly due to not understanding its not a full marriage though

There was a massive scandal not so long ago where it came out with a particular religion whereby the "wives" were led to believe that they were legally married but weren't because they hadn't done the legal bit and the men were using this to their advantage

It's really not making a point that the legal part is the bit everyone needs to see though

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:19

@justteanbiscuits None of my friends who did the legal bit separately do though. They all say their wedding date is the day they celebrated and shared their love with everyone. Not the day they signed a bit of paper.

They could come unstuck if they actually sign something to that effect.

I know of an engaged couple who were in the Armed Forces who had set a wedding date. They were getting posted and needed to be married to have Married Quarters. So they had to bring the wedding forward to get the right paperwork.
Lying about this would have meant a Court Marshall.