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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
SapporoBaby · 14/04/2025 19:08

@Daffodilsarefadingmore like she’s been put off by registrar fees. To get married at the reg office when I was married last year costs £45. Having them come to my venue a 10 minute walk away (and on their approved list) cost me £775.

Braygirlnow · 14/04/2025 19:08

TheHerboriste · 13/04/2025 22:23

Did all of your invitees know that they weren’t witnessing the legal wedding?

Hoodwinking people is a fraud and a farce.

Show quote history

What a stupid comment 🙄

Braygirlnow · 14/04/2025 19:21

Shelby2010 · 13/04/2025 23:49

Just a few points I’d like to comment on:

In this country you can get married legally & religiously at the same time if you are Christian. You can also have a civil ceremony in a wide range of venues. So unless you are having (eg) a Muslim wedding, the guests invited to a wedding will assume they are witnessing the legal ceremony & the celebration.

You can’t sign a birth certificate at a baptism ceremony or have a doctor sign the death certificate at a funeral, so these events just aren’t comparable. And I wish certain posters would just stop using them as a ‘gotcha’.

The only non-religious, non-legal marriages I have seen have been due to specific legal issues such as visas, so the legal part had to happen at a certain time. And the guests were well aware of the reasons. This doesn’t seem to be the case here.

I suspect that these people having the fake weddings will, in due course, follow them with; gender reveal parties, baby showers, naming ceremonies, renewal of vows & then divorce parties….

Back to the OP - YANBU to be hurt by this.

Wow it really bothers you how others choose to marry? it's not your way and I didn't do it that way, but you sound like a right karen over this, especially as it's very common to have separate legal ceremony and wedding party these days. Op had question about invite 🙄

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 19:27

@BackOfTheMum5net Around a fifth to a quarter of weddings in England and Wales are celebrant-led now.

Where does these figures come from?

I understand that In England and Wales, approximately 83% of marriages in 2022 were civil ceremonies and 17% were religious ceremonies. It doesn't specify where "Celebrant Lead Weddings" figure in these statistics.

WorkItUpYourBangle · 14/04/2025 19:33

Had it been that the other bridesmaids also didn't attend the official thing and it was only her and her family or something like that then I'd be fine with that. However if you were the only bridesmaid that didn't attend this other ceremony I'd definitely be asking not only why not but why it was also deliberately kept from you. What did you say to her at the time when she told you?

carchi · 14/04/2025 19:35

Weddings are not always straightforward these days. For context my daughter wanted to get married on a working farm and hold the whole day there and reception in a real barn in the evening. As there was no actual building on the farm that could have a civil ceremony they got married in a registry office in town the day before with just best friends and two family members as witnesses. No one was dressed up it was a purely functional event. However the (pretend) Wedding the next day was full on and an amazing event with everything and everyone you would expect for such a celebration. So maybe the later celebration will be more like an actual wedding for your friend.

Mumdiva99 · 14/04/2025 19:35

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:44

Thanks all. I will speak to her and see where we go from there. I still would like to be part of her day but I’m just feeling a bit bruised. I won’t be commenting further as I need to get on with a very busy week.

A girl at work is getting married this week. Having the wedding next year. I think they thought the venue booked the registra and when they found out it didn't it was too late to book themselves. So they have done the legal bit now. It could be a similar situation.

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 19:48

Bowies · 14/04/2025 18:56

I would still go, but perhaps leave DH and DC at home.

The legal part may not be such a big deal to her and can understand the logic of having local family and friends in this case, but it is odd no-one mentioned it.

No family

It was mentioned.

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 19:50

Sorry love, but that is real low down trickand was meant to upset you. The other bridesmaids were in it with her, or they would have mentioned it.

It's really not and anyone suggesting it was intentional is getting off on kicking the OP

It was mentioned. Twice. OP was even informed ahead of the day and didn't say anything.

ConstanceM · 14/04/2025 20:04

MN plant story again
This is almost an identical story from a few months ago..recycling old narratives to stimulate debate and keep members active..

Redrosesposies · 14/04/2025 20:06

Don't know whether anyone has mentioned this yet OP as I have only read your comments, not the full thread, but it randomly came up on my Facebook this afternoon (I don't follow Mumsnet on Facebook so I don't know why it came up).

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 20:06

ConstanceM · 14/04/2025 20:04

MN plant story again
This is almost an identical story from a few months ago..recycling old narratives to stimulate debate and keep members active..

@ConstanceM Really ? 😮

GiveDogBone · 14/04/2025 20:22

If you have a genuinely close friendship you should be able to talk to her about it. Explain how you’re feeling and see what her response is.

If it’s not to your liking pull the plug on the friendship. But have the conversation first rather than guessing at intentions.

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 20:45

carchi · 14/04/2025 19:35

Weddings are not always straightforward these days. For context my daughter wanted to get married on a working farm and hold the whole day there and reception in a real barn in the evening. As there was no actual building on the farm that could have a civil ceremony they got married in a registry office in town the day before with just best friends and two family members as witnesses. No one was dressed up it was a purely functional event. However the (pretend) Wedding the next day was full on and an amazing event with everything and everyone you would expect for such a celebration. So maybe the later celebration will be more like an actual wedding for your friend.

Did they tell every single invitee that they already would be married, or did they hoodwink them for their own selfish benefit???

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 20:49

cardboardvillage · 14/04/2025 18:16

Meh! I wouldn’t care

you are still part of the party- the main do

To normal people, the actual wedding is “the main do.”

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 20:53

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 16:19

but that doesn't diminish the fact that the legal ceremony is the true meaningful moment where the couple makes their real commitment and vows to one another.

Legal vows are literally "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take this person as my spouse"

Which feels a lot less meaningful than the "love, honour and cherish" type vows they will make at their supposed fake wedding

So if the bride were widowed between those perfunctory legal vows and those “true meaningful” reenactments, she’d be happy to forego her inheritance and next of kin privileges???

Shelby2010 · 14/04/2025 21:08

Braygirlnow · 14/04/2025 19:21

Wow it really bothers you how others choose to marry? it's not your way and I didn't do it that way, but you sound like a right karen over this, especially as it's very common to have separate legal ceremony and wedding party these days. Op had question about invite 🙄

Show quote history

‘a right karen’

Nice.

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 21:11

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 20:45

Did they tell every single invitee that they already would be married, or did they hoodwink them for their own selfish benefit???

Show quote history

Oh come off it

No one was Hoodwinked

They saw what they came to see. The bride and groom exchange meaningful vows

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 21:12

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 20:53

So if the bride were widowed between those perfunctory legal vows and those “true meaningful” reenactments, she’d be happy to forego her inheritance and next of kin privileges???

Show quote history

Well the LEGAL bit was done

This isn't a gotcha

That's literally the point of signing a legal document

Beautifulweeds · 14/04/2025 21:15

Only thing you do is ask and say how you feel. Why do as humans feel the need not to do this when upset because it may be awkward for the other person?

BackOfTheMum5net · 14/04/2025 21:21

The latest Hitched figures show what people are searching for and booking online.

Celebrant-led weddings of course won’t feature in official data. People having celebrant led weddings will also have had to pay for an (often unwanted) civil ceremony.

There’s been a huge and ongoing campaign to legalise celebrant ceremonies, particularly those led by Humanist celebrants. Hopefully in the future non-religious people will be able to meet in a way that reflects their beliefs, as they can elsewhere in the UK.

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 21:28

@BackOfTheMum5net Hopefully in the future non-religious people will be able to meet in a way that reflects their beliefs, as they can elsewhere in the UK.

I don't get this.
I didn't think non-religious people had any beliefs ? 🤔

BackOfTheMum5net · 14/04/2025 21:41

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 21:28

@BackOfTheMum5net Hopefully in the future non-religious people will be able to meet in a way that reflects their beliefs, as they can elsewhere in the UK.

I don't get this.
I didn't think non-religious people had any beliefs ? 🤔

You can believe in things that aren’t supernatural and still have values that you hold dear. Morality isn’t the exclusive preserve of people of faith.

have a look at why these people say marrying in this way matters to them…
The Guardian

‘Thousands like us’: couples to take UK government to court over humanist marriages

Exclusive: Action comes five years after lack of legal recognition for humanist marriage in England and Wales was ruled discriminatory

https://www.theguardian.com/law/2025/apr/11/thousands-like-us-couples-take-uk-government-to-court-over-humanist-marriages

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 22:25

@BackOfTheMum5net Morality isn’t the exclusive preserve of people of faith.

So what is the Humanist standard of morality and what is it based on?

Booboobagins · 14/04/2025 22:44

I know a few people who have done this even big church blessing but married in a registry office the dau before (mainly cost hey couldn't get married in church because of not being christened 🙄). Anyways, I honestly didn't think it was a big issue. It will be a lively ceremony with a celebrant and it'll feel like the real wedding.

She's not taken how getting married at a registry office without you there would affect you. Clumsy but not done to hurt you (I hope).

Good luck talking to her about it, brace yourself though she may not see it your way.