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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 22:53

ConstanceM · 14/04/2025 20:04

MN plant story again
This is almost an identical story from a few months ago..recycling old narratives to stimulate debate and keep members active..

@ConstanceM I can confirm I’m not a MN plant, and doubt that even actually happens on MN.

OP posts:
carchi · 14/04/2025 22:58

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 20:45

Did they tell every single invitee that they already would be married, or did they hoodwink them for their own selfish benefit???

Show quote history

Nothing selfish going on here. They paid for everyone's food drink and entertainment and transport to and from hotel to the farm. Including champagne breakfast lunch then snacks and evening BBQ and live band. Also no expense spared on daytime entertainment. No one even knew or cared that they had got married the day before and the grooms army Chaplin had special permission to perform a ceremony so it was really lovely for everyone

Thehappygardener · 14/04/2025 23:37

Hi, I can see that you are very upset but as far as I can see, none of her family, parents or Inlaws were there and it may be that she regards you as family and that you are going to the ‘proper’ wedding later in the year with her relations and all the other friends.

And as you’ve suggested, do sleep on it for a few days and, as you’ve already said, don’t act in haste.

🌷🌷🌷

TheHerboriste · 15/04/2025 06:37

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 21:12

Well the LEGAL bit was done

This isn't a gotcha

That's literally the point of signing a legal document

Show quote history

But if they are lying to hoodwink their guests into thinking they are still single up to the day of the wedding, it’s scurvy to take advantage of the benefits of being married.

Trying to have it both ways makes a mockery of the social contract. And reflects a low, scurvy character.

Dogsbreath7 · 15/04/2025 07:41

The biggest deceit was not telling you in advance imho.

And ask her or yourself is she exiting the friendship?

DearDenimEagle · 15/04/2025 08:19

Strange..I don’t see how someone who is already married gets a hen night? Surely that’s to celebrate the end of singledom and now she’s not single.

The ‘legal bit’ IS the wedding. That’s the important bit. The bit that costs and requires court to undo. That’s what the word means..it’s the noun for the legal joining. The rest is just dress up and a party.

It’s also illegal to have 2 weddings …remember the hoohaa over Harry and Meghan when she said the church thing was only for the people, they’d got married 3 days earlier and the Archbishop was having to defend himself. The best she can legally do is have a blessing or a renewal of vows but the wedding has already happened.

Braygirlnow · 15/04/2025 08:22

You don't count the bride and groom, so two bridesmaids, partners and groomsman...so that's like 5 and for all we know they could be sisters and brother of bride and groom. It's just above what's needed as witnesses and so completely understandable. Why ask a friend to travel for a 5 minute legal signing when they aren't even asking more than 5 family and friends. I think some people like to be offended about everything and thinking that it's about them, I'm sure there's other family and friends who are closer, friend wise, to the bride and groom who also didn't go. Op should be happy for her friend and she has been asked to be bridesmaid, go and enjoy her day.

DearDenimEagle · 15/04/2025 08:22

Thehappygardener · 14/04/2025 23:37

Hi, I can see that you are very upset but as far as I can see, none of her family, parents or Inlaws were there and it may be that she regards you as family and that you are going to the ‘proper’ wedding later in the year with her relations and all the other friends.

And as you’ve suggested, do sleep on it for a few days and, as you’ve already said, don’t act in haste.

🌷🌷🌷

The ‘proper’ wedding is done. The ‘proper’ wedding is the legal bit.
Wedding : : a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : nuptials. 2. : an act, process, or instance of joining in close association

Braygirlnow · 15/04/2025 08:34

Offs! A 5 min legal ceremony is of course the legal marriage but the wedding is were everyone comes together to celebrate the couples marriage. We don't live in a dictatorship...yet, so people can do it whichever way they want. If every other guest was invited to the registry office for the 5 min legal part, then yes I would be offended but as there was only 5 people there then no it was only just for witnesses.

Braygirlnow · 15/04/2025 08:44

Hello2025baby · 14/04/2025 14:41

I’ve never understood this mumsnet obsession with the legal wedding being the ‘real’ wedding and if you invite people to a non legally binding ceremony then you’re lying to them by calling it a wedding (I know that’s not exactly what you’re saying OP but it seems to be a widely held sentiment). Clearly the bride and groom saw the legal ceremony as ‘just sorting out legal details’ and didn’t want you to go out of your way to attend an occasion which didn’t matter to them- actually the opposite of wanting fawning and a song and dance.

I’ve been to several weddings where the legal ceremony happened at a different time for various reasons and I wasn’t invited (including two when I was a bridesmaid!). The couples involved regarded the real wedding as the one where they made a commitment in front of friends and family, not when they signed some legal papers. They celebrate anniversaries of the celebrant/service/party day not the legal ceremony.

The voice of reason. And I'm wondering if maybe other bridesmaids are sisters?
Either way there was 2 bridesmaids and partners and a groomsman so 5 , I'd be hurt if there was lots of friends and family but come on 5! They just needed witnesses. Stop being so offended when obviously no offence was ment.

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 08:56

@Braygirlnow but they seemed to make more of it than just a 5 minute saying the required words and signing a bit of paper. They read poems. You only need 2 witnesses and you have to pay more if you have additional guests. They had families of the bridesmaids etc attending.

I maybe odd but for me the best bit of a wedding is actually seeing the couple get married, saying their vows and making that legal commitment. The rest is just filler, a fancy party.

lazycats · 15/04/2025 09:00

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:36

Reply @AprilBunny - yes, they’re all local. I’m thinking that perhaps she didn’t invite me as it would be a journey for me, but one I would have been more than happy to make - she had a very important personal ceremony some years ago and I travelled for that.

Sounds like you’ve answered your own question, the weirdness notwithstanding

TheHerboriste · 15/04/2025 09:01

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 08:56

@Braygirlnow but they seemed to make more of it than just a 5 minute saying the required words and signing a bit of paper. They read poems. You only need 2 witnesses and you have to pay more if you have additional guests. They had families of the bridesmaids etc attending.

I maybe odd but for me the best bit of a wedding is actually seeing the couple get married, saying their vows and making that legal commitment. The rest is just filler, a fancy party.

Exactly.

Not interested in the sham reenactment.

It basically courtesy to make guests fully aware of what they are attending.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 09:16

I have a few friends who did the "legal bit" ahead of the ceremony, and none of them consider it their wedding - they all consider the day they wore the dress, had the fancy event, even though it wasn't actually legal, to be their wedding day. The legal part isn't important outside of, well, the legal bit.

TheHerboriste · 15/04/2025 09:42

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 09:16

I have a few friends who did the "legal bit" ahead of the ceremony, and none of them consider it their wedding - they all consider the day they wore the dress, had the fancy event, even though it wasn't actually legal, to be their wedding day. The legal part isn't important outside of, well, the legal bit.

But what they “consider it” is irrelevant. Marriage is a social contract, not a personal matter that each couple can tailor to their whims.

The legal ceremony IS the wedding. Otherwise, why do it at all?

One wedding per marriage. Anything beyond that is just a performance before an audience. And the audience, being part of the society that confers and recognizes the legal contract, deserves to know what it’s really witnessing.

Newmum3200 · 15/04/2025 09:43

My sister had a similar set up for her wedding. The “legal bit” was literally meant to be just that, the “real” wedding was the do with the dresses etc. she would have been happy to just sign the papers but it ended up being a bit more than intended as she ended up inviting some people that couldn’t make the other / main do. It wasn’t intentional and she didn’t think anything of it but I could see there may be people that may have thought they should have been invited to that too. She also didn’t want to burden her guests with another do to attend (or double the event AND costs), so kept it really small and personal but not necessarily for any other reason than logistics for some guests (and the fact that she wanted the big deal to be the main occasion). Hope this helps to look at it from a slightly different angle.

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 09:43

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 08:56

@Braygirlnow but they seemed to make more of it than just a 5 minute saying the required words and signing a bit of paper. They read poems. You only need 2 witnesses and you have to pay more if you have additional guests. They had families of the bridesmaids etc attending.

I maybe odd but for me the best bit of a wedding is actually seeing the couple get married, saying their vows and making that legal commitment. The rest is just filler, a fancy party.

They'll still make vows though
More meaningful than "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take them as my spouse "

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 09:45

@justteanbiscuits The legal part isn't important outside of, well, the legal bit.

The "legal bit"is the most important part of a marriage.
It is the start of a new relationship in law, a legal union of two individuals. It is a contract that two people enter into and has to have particular wording to be valid. It contains promises that the two parties make to each other.

A legal marriage also provides various legal and financial protections to both partners. It establishes joint ownership of assets, including property, savings, and investments, which can be divided fairly in the event of divorce. Marriage also grants tax benefits and inheritance rights to the surviving spouse, offering financial security. Additionally, it simplifies parental rights, ensures access to pensions, and provides legal standing in matters like healthcare decisions and next of kin status

It is, sadly, the part that solicitors have to undo if everything goes pear-shaped.

The wedding is a celebration of the new life the couple have chosen together.

TheHerboriste · 15/04/2025 09:47

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 09:43

They'll still make vows though
More meaningful than "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take them as my spouse "

Show quote history

Not necessarily more meaningful to their invitees, though.

Watching two already-married people performatively talk to one another in fancy dress is not meaningful to those who thought they were invited to an actual wedding.

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 09:48

@HuffleMyPuffle They'll still make vows though
More meaningful than "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take them as my spouse "

Maybe more meaningful to the couple, but such vows don't count legally.

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 09:49

@HuffleMyPuffle but it doesn’t matter what words they say, it doesn’t make them married. The commitment is the legal bit, that is what makes them married. Not some fancy dress, meal, party, stately home venue.

DearDenimEagle · 15/04/2025 10:13

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 09:16

I have a few friends who did the "legal bit" ahead of the ceremony, and none of them consider it their wedding - they all consider the day they wore the dress, had the fancy event, even though it wasn't actually legal, to be their wedding day. The legal part isn't important outside of, well, the legal bit.

The legal part IS the important bit. It’s the bit that creates joint ownership, legalises children’s rights, and you will find out just how important the legal part is if you need to get a legal separation/ divorce . Wedding is the legal joining of two people. The rest is show.

It seems with time people are attributing more importance to the party than the legal bit, but marriage isn’t a party . Marriage is making the legal bit work.

Passtheketchupdude · 15/04/2025 10:16

That sounds very confusing and disappointing. I'm sorry.

Something similar happened to me. A very good friend, I'd known for years. Spent holidays together, our kids were very good friends did much the same to me. She shared her excitement at wedding plans, save the day she said. We would love you to come. Plans for hen etc. They the wedding morphed into a double wedding with another friend. My husband, child and I got uninvited basically. Was told, costs were spiralling, the venue size blah, blah, turned out to have a very large guest list, just not us. I just accepted it, I didn't question it. Her choice her wedding. She showed me who she was on that day. Afterwards she talked about how sad we weren't there, how missed we were etc. I tried to see past it, but I was hurt. Our friendship fizzled ultimately, I occasionally hear from her, when she wants something, or reminiscing about happy times together. I kept going back for a bit, but realise that's not how I wish to be treated and value myself more that being a second choice or being dropped at a whim. I'm so sorry, but I can't see how this won't change your friendship. It sounds very odd that there is a ceremony with other bridesmaids that you are not to attend.

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:17

@DearDenimEagle Marriage is making the legal bit work.

Absolutely.

And it can be hard work.

DearDenimEagle · 15/04/2025 10:17

You can be married with just the legal bit.

You cannot be married with just the dress and party.
That’s how important the legal bit is. The vows, the commitment, the promises to love etc happens at the legal bit.

How anyone can think the fancy venue and a dress make a marriage is beyond me