Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

[Cheesehound]

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

I’ve never understood this mumsnet obsession with the legal wedding being the ‘real’ wedding and if you invite people to a non legally binding ceremony then you’re lying to them by calling it a wedding (I know that’s not exactly what you’re saying OP but it seems to be a widely held sentiment). Clearly the bride and groom saw the legal ceremony as ‘just sorting out legal details’ and didn’t want you to go out of your way to attend an occasion which didn’t matter to them- actually the opposite of wanting fawning and a song and dance.

I’ve been to several weddings where the legal ceremony happened at a different time for various reasons and I wasn’t invited (including two when I was a bridesmaid!). The couples involved regarded the real wedding as the one where they made a commitment in front of friends and family, not when they signed some legal papers. They celebrate anniversaries of the celebrant/service/party day not the legal ceremony.

Similar thing happening to us OP!!

DP is ‘best man’ - has been told by groom which suit to buy and we have at ££s, stag do costing £££££s, booked hotel and childcare to attend ‘wedding’ - which we have now been told is a party and the wedding is a week earlier

Absolutely insane - I’ve told DP to return the suit and decline the ‘best man’ title - given it’s clearly just so they have some nice dressed up wedding photos and he will be BOILING in a wool suit in the height of summer

but that doesn't diminish the fact that the legal ceremony is the true meaningful moment where the couple makes their real commitment and vows to one another.

Legal vows are literally "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take this person as my spouse"

Which feels a lot less meaningful than the "love, honour and cherish" type vows they will make at their supposed fake wedding

If the OP wasn't bridesmaid and organising a hen party it would be very meh.
Go or not to the party.

Its being part of the wedding party, being imposed upon to organise stuff and to then find out they have actually married with some of the wedding party in attendance.

I hope OP suits herself and match her friends energy.
Opt out of organising and being the bridesmaid for the party and attend as a guest herself if she likes for a bit.
I certainly wouldn't bother bringing husband children etc.

Nobody who really valued you and cared about you would be so cavalier about this.

There is absolutely no point in making a fuss and being upset.
Better to match her energy and suit herself going forward.

For most people getting married, the two go together - at the legal wedding.

No need for another ceremony, the job is done. Fine if people want/need lots of fuss and attention, have twenty events if you like - but don't pretend that it's a wedding when it isn't.

If they're registered to do so

It's not about attention
It's about Legal vs location

You want a specific place, sometimes you need legal bit separate

MN is so vile to other women!

I believe all CofE priests are as part of their training

It's a racing certainty that she simply didn't think the quick legal bit was worth the effort for you because of distance - but...

You are not being unreasonable to feel that she might at least have given you the option.

The wedding will be fun, you are being included, say nothing. When the time is right, tell her privately that you were hurt and offended and let her explain herself.

Sounds like she wants a humanist ceremony which aren’t official in England (yet) so had to sort the legal stuff separately. She views her wedding as the ‘party’ but wanted to also mark the legal bit with a low key local thing. As a good friend she probably knows you’ve got a lot on and didn’t want to put the obligation to attend yet another thing on you. I’d talk to her about it to put your mind at rest.

Hi there

My brother did something similar. My advice would be go if you want to. My friend did something similar as well. Sometimes you think
you are great friends with someone but that person has lots of other great friends. Actions speak louder than words. She values you as a friend enough to be a fake bridesmaid and arrange an expensive hen do. She’s clearly told everyone not to mention it to you, as she doesn’t want to hurt you though. So she does value you as a friend on some levels. Just not enough to have you at her actual wedding ceremony.

If the bride and grooms family weren’t there I would not be too upset. Seems strange though. I have heard of weddings where couples go to a registry office with just a couple of witnesses then have a wedding party on another occasion but it sounds like there was quite a big party if bridesmaids families there. I would forget it and just enjoy summer party and hen do.

Meh! I wouldn’t care

you are still part of the party- the main do

I would feel hurt and very confused by this. I understand sometimes its better for a couple to have a small legal ceremony followed by a 'wedding' later, but as a bridesmaid so involved in the hen do, I think she would have mentioned it to you before now, especially since the other bridesmaids attended. Perhaps her plans changed but it seems sneaky to me.

This is really strange. I have been to several weddings where the legalities had been done another day for various reasons but it makes no sense if the venue is definitely licensed. Perhaps they forgot to book a registrar.

You must talk to her, OP. Don't assume the worst of someone who has been so important to you.

I used to be a humanist celebrant and may be able to explain why they are not using the stately home for the legal bit.

It can cost £500-£1000 to have a registrar come out to a licensed venue. What's more there are more licensed venues than registrars so it's possible one wasn't available on the day. I have also had registrars refuse to have a legal ceremony and a humanist ceremony at the same time.

If the couple are having a humanist ceremony, it will be personalised to them and very meaningful. I promise you that they will consider the summer event to be the wedding and all the walking down the aisle with bridesmaids bit. When I had my legal wedding we didn't exchange rings or have vows but did that at our wonderful humanist ceremony a few months later.

However we had a very basic legal ceremony and the registrars hold so few of them that your friend may have had to pay more money for a ceremony now. We had to wait over a year for a basic "us and two witnesses" ceremony and it was in the next city even though there's a register office round the corner from our house.

Humanists UK have been campaigning for legal recognition of humanist marriage for a very long time. A judge even said five years ago that it was against our human rights that our ceremonies are not legally recognised and the government should legalise them quickly. They had a commission on marriage instead that agreed it should be legal but nothing has happened. Humanists UK are going to court again.as a result.

In a few years this two ceremony sort of thing won't happen any more.

I agree she should probably asked you, but I don't think she meant to hurt you. There will be a really beautiful and moving ceremony in the summer. And I am so sorry that you feel so hurt by this.

More info needed really, my friends did this just them and couple of friends as witnesses (not even their parents) - then wedding later.

It had to be like that because the venue and celebrant aren't registered for weddings. But their wedding and anniversary was the day everyone went to. They referred to the legal bit as "paperwork day" i wouldn't jump to assume the worst without a chat

My mate celebrated in a similar way, but the key thing is, there was a conversation about it beforehand - it was all up front. She explained that she was mortally shy & couldn’t cope with being the centre of attention & everyone staring, which fits. I did feel a bit like a 2nd tier friend (I wasn’t a bridesmaid tho), but I could get over it because she discussed it with everyone beforehand. This feels a bit sneaky & hidden away by your friend - as if she feels she has something to feel awkward & embarrassed about. Of course you are wary of a conversation with her cos you don’t want to kill her post wedding glow + you have 15 years of close friendship you don’t want to destroy, but you are definitely entitled to feel hurt imo. If it were me, I would nt say anything, I would just pull out of the hen-do & celebration for “personal reasons” and leave the ball in her court. The onus to have the discomfort of broaching the subject belongs to her. If she does, I’d just say “I was really confused & if I’m honest hurt I wasn’t at the actual wedding & it took the gloss off for me & seemed a bit pointless to go to all that hassle & expense, but I didn’t want to load that onto you when you had just got married & spoil your enjoyment”

Because registrar weddings tend to be on the dry side.

It’s not a great conspiracy. Around a fifth to a quarter of weddings in England and Wales are celebrant-led now.

I would still go, but perhaps leave DH and DC at home.

The legal part may not be such a big deal to her and can understand the logic of having local family and friends in this case, but it is odd no-one mentioned it.

I would not take it personally OP, when you book a register office wedding you pay according to room size so it’s substantially more expensive to book a room for 50 people than 12 people.

If the main ceremony is later in the year (although not the legal one) they may have just chose local friends etc… to fill the more affordable register office room. It literally takes 20 minutes for a register office wedding, which they sensibly might have done to get documents such passports completed in her new married name before the honeymoon!

I would imagine they felt guilty about asking you to travel that distance for such a small amount of time.

Depending on which country they are honeymooning in, checking into a hotel with the right marital status on passports can be very important!

When my husband and I were checked in at our hotel on our honeymoon ( we didn’t have time to change my passport as it was only a couple of days after the ceremony) we were given a twin bedroom. Luckily I had bought my marriage certificate with me, so when we went back to reception with it and explained it was our honeymoon and showed them our marriage certificate we were instantly changed to a king bed bedroom!

They apologised but said that it was a Christian country and that unmarried couples were automatically given separate beds ‘for modesty’

I add it was a Caribbean island so we were a bit surprised.

Clearly the main event is yet to come, and that’s the one that counts!

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Sorry love, but that is real low down trick
and was meant to upset you. The other bridesmaids were in it with her, or they would have mentioned it.

Very upsetting and hearbteaking after years of being close friends.

Half garbled texts about a legal ceremony
don't cut it eith me. If l was getting married l would make sure all invitees knew exactly eas going on and on what day.

So if that is a contributing factor..It is her fault.

The situation you describe does happen with do called close girl fiends. It has happened to me at age 70, with someone who l had known since age 11.

Often. deep down you may know the reason for her behaviour. It could be deep rooted jealously, or that the friendship was past its sell by day long ago. Or it may have some imagined slight you caused her

She may have also some fancy new friends and think she is better than you.

Whatever the reason. She had been deeply disrepecful to you.

Drop her quicker than the crock of hot shit she is. Let het go to hell. Don't fight or beg for her attention.

Don't contact her. Keep Silent.

Move on to better friends

Good Luck

Old Mother Riley
X cc

It could be that the legal ceremony was so far ahead that they just wanted it to be small with local friends not too much fuss as the big wedding was coming later, the legal registry office bit takes 5 mins so she may of thought no point getting people travelling, twice!
I really would not be upset about this, just go and enjoy the day.