Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

[Cheesehound]

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids

Can you just go on your own? What money would that save you?

If you don't want to go on the hen night, I'd pull out. If you do, go.

I think it's more odd that they have done this and neither sets of parents went!

They are friends in the same area

Ffs of course they have a separate WhatsApp group

They will have had it before the wedding. They'll use it after the wedding too

It's not some "high level secrecy"

It's "I need 2 witnesses for the legal bit."
"OK but I'm bringing the kids"
"Me too"
"Fine. So Saturday night are we still on for drinks at the local?"

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids

Seems pretty obvious that your DH is fuelling the fire with this because he didn't want to go to the wedding in the first place

@RawBloomers Who's sneering?

Do you think her mum and dad and PIL are bitching about her behind her back and debating about whether to go to the wedding because she had this small legal ceremony first that they weren't invited to?

If her in laws posted on here to say they'd paid for a wedding and their son/dil had got married a few months before they'd be quite rightly told they weren't unreasonable to be pissed off.

I don't see how it's unkind to say the friend wouldn't have done this if she and her husband had been paying for the wedding. There's no way they would have had two ceremonies so it's reasonable to conclude they've only done it because they're not having to foot the bil of the party the in-laws are paying for.

OK that's all a bit odd

Is the place definitely licensed?

Perhaps they need the legal bit in place for something beforehand like a mortgage? Perhaps the venue has said they won't have someone available for the legal bit the day she's booked?

It's still possible that the other bridesmaids pushed for the reading and Bride just went along

This is why talking to her is important

With neither sets of parents/ their own families there, it certainly sounds like an admin wedding, and that she hasn’t put much weight on this as the real deal.

I suspect no one who wasn’t local was asked to come and the two bridesmaids who were there, were a convenience pair of witnesses.

I understand you are feeling hurt, but a gentle conversation and I suspect you will be put at ease that you are very important to her, and a special piece in the wedding puzzle.

I’d bet a tenner that they didn’t really realise the celebrant wasn’t legally binding and this is a quickie solution to that issue xx

@XiCi I’m upset, am I not allowed to be? Do you never say anything cutting when you’re upset? You’re a better person than me. I wouldn’t be surprised if her parents and siblings, who she is not close to, and her in-laws weren’t told about it/asked to attend either.

I am going to speak to her. For my own reasons I haven’t been able to yet - both out of not wanting to be ‘ME ME ME’ on the day before, of and after and the fact that I have been ridiculously busy juggling work and my kids over half-term.

As to all the online discussion, I didn’t even post yesterday beyond setting up this thread and a few comments after.

@HuffleMyPuffle Yes, most definitely licensed for weddings.

Thanks all. I will speak to her and see where we go from there. I still would like to be part of her day but I’m just feeling a bit bruised. I won’t be commenting further as I need to get on with a very busy week.

@OhYeahOhYeah I’d bet a tenner that they didn’t really realise the celebrant wasn’t legally binding and this is a quickie solution to that issue xx

I'd tend to go along with that.

They won't be the first ones to fall into that "trap"🙄

@Cheesehound you don't even really know what youre upset about though as you haven't got all the facts. So yes, just talk to her. You may be completely satisfied with her explanation and there will have been no need for all of this upset you have been feeling the past few days. I can't imagine that this thread will have made you feel any better. So many extreme views telling you not to go to the wedding or to never speak to your friend again. I don't believe these people would act like that in RL

So when she said ‘we are going to have …’ surely that was when you’d say ‘I’d love to be there’ as that sounds like the actual legal ceremony? I don’t think she left you out as such but she probably thinks you would have said something if you were bothered - and she probably left it unsaid so as not to pressurise you … just sounds like you both weee being too polite IYSWIM!

They chose just a handful of their local best friends and their families.
possibly because the friends pushed them to have a little bit of a celebration.
I don't think they were chosen due to them being the bridesmaids - rather due to them being local..

Their families were not in attendance, Op.
You need to speak to friend pronto and get the explanation.

Sorry @Cheesehound what I mean is you keep saying you don’t want to make it about you or make a fuss, but it is about you, as she has deliberately excluded you from the most important part? The wedding? A party is nice - we did one as married during the pandemic, but we invited lots of friends who wouldn’t have been invited to the more intimate wedding. I personally think you should challenge it more, it isn’t nice and I can’t believe it hasn’t hurt you. I am with your DH and wouldn’t make an effort for just a party, clearly you value your friendship more than she does?

I just find it odd that it was kept from you. Like why has it been so hush hush? I’ve know brides to have a legal ceremony before big wedding and they are all excited and nervous and it goes off in the group chat. Like not even the bride or other bridesmaids have said anything in any of the group chats about it on the day it’s happened? Very strange. I’d be feeling shit about it as well. Just feels like it’s been intentionally kept from you. I’ve never heard of a UK wedding either where you have to have a legal ceremony before the actual wedding either. Usually it’s a 1 day thing in the UK? Can you elaborate on that cos I found that bit confusing.

I really do find this completely baffling.

The friend is already married. She's had a wedding with friends and family. Why then is she having another wedding and a hen do? It makes no sense!

i do t u sweat and this. Why ask someone to be a BM when they are not going to be part of an advance wedding but there is no later week g. Feels like she’s a bitch as. Has changed her mind about you being a BM. I couldn’t go through the hen do after this.

Treat like with like. Don't bother making an effort for her.

But what difference does it make to you if she will be already married when she has her wedding? Why would that mean you wouldn't bring your family? I will never understand why people make weddings about them. It's up to the bride and groom to decide who comes to the legal ceremony. Maybe they hang around together all the time and have an easy going dynamic that you wouldn't fit into on that particular day. Does it really matter. If my friend was making my wedding about her feelings then I would be wishing I hadn't invited her to either event. Their parents weren't even there, does that not tell you that they didn't see this as an even where they didn't need to invite everyone.

I personally think having a ceremony first, then spending loads on a fake wedding is ridiculous, but who she invites has got nothing to do with you, and if you were a proper friend, then you would just let her get on with it.

Legal bit WAS mentioned before

OP was also told BEFORE that it was happening

Bride and bridesmaids live in the same area so will have WhatsApp group with each other that doesn't include OP anyway

I think it depends on your view of marriage, the actual registry services can be super short, literally 1 in 1 out and 20 mins max - travelling all that way for just that, she might see it as totally irrelevant and a waste of your time. Bit weird the other went though.
If she's doing a full she bang with hair, make up, dresses and a celebrant in the summer, then to her that's clearly the "proper" wedding and you're all invited and the hen do is before that. I kind of understand it's weird if technically/legally she's already married, but several venues don't actually allow you to legally wed as you need a license, so it's probably that the place they wanted couldn't do the legal bit. Honestly, just ring her congratulating her on "the legal bit" and ask her about it - you'll get your answer from what she says and her tone.
I'd just recognise that different people feel different ways about what a marriage ceremony and a wedding actually is, sounds to me like you guys feel the legal bit is key and she just doesn't- especially as there's been no pics, no name change, etc etc

I think it's likely a case of someone trying to be considerate and messing up - she probably thought it would be easier for you this way and didn't think it was that big a deal. People are more often choosing celebrants these days as they can be really personal and fun with the ceremony but if i'm correct they cannot do the legal parts.

I’m sorry OP, yes that sounds like a small intimate ceremony for nearest and dearest. Fine, but to ask you to organise events and not be invited or clarified from the start doesn’t seem fair to me.

Here is your life choice, carry on and celebrate, decline to carry on organising or pull away. i think a conversation of understanding is in order.

The "industry" might be pushing to strip away the legal ceremony to allow them to package a staged, commercialised version of a wedding instead - but that doesn't diminish the fact that the legal ceremony is the true meaningful moment where the couple makes their real commitment and vows to one another.

It is the legal ceremony that is the heart of it all, the binding vows, the real wedding the one the actually matters. Take the heart out of it and it is just a fancy dress up party.

Christenings are completely different. They are welcoming the infant into the church not the birth.