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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
Silverstars21 · 14/04/2025 07:55

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 07:41

So you would go to a Catholic wedding but claim you hadn’t seen the couple get married?

Show quote history

It's my understanding a Catholic ceremony in church is essential for catholics to be recognised as married. I believe it's called a convallidation ceremony so yes I would consider this witnessing them getting married.

StupidBoy · 14/04/2025 08:04

She's essentially had two weddings to make a fuss over, which is a bit OTT. I understand you sometimes need to go through the official legal marriage ahead of the big wedding ceremony and party, but if that's the case then it should be kept as low key as possible with just the necessary witnesses, or perhaps at most, the B&Gs parents. I think to start inviting bridesmaids and their partners and families is daft when there is still a big hen party and wedding day to get through.

That said, she has done that, so she should have given you the option of attending, to save misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I think this is less about you feeling you really wanted to be there for this bit and more than you feel a bit replaced by her new friends?

Perhaps she thought as you don't live close it would be an upheaval and an added expense for you, but out of courtesy she should have given you the optionand made it clear that you shouldn't feel obligated. I suspect she feels a bit more detached from you since you no longer live close to one another and she has other equally close friends in her 'new' life.

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 08:19

Silverstars21 · 14/04/2025 07:55

It's my understanding a Catholic ceremony in church is essential for catholics to be recognised as married. I believe it's called a convallidation ceremony so yes I would consider this witnessing them getting married.

Show quote history

The state will recognise them as married if they don’t have a Catholic ceremony. Most of the people who have a split wedding consider the vows in front of family and friends to be the bit that makes them married too, even though the state recognises them as married without that. Why do you respect the Catholic Church’s view that something more is necessary, but not the views of others who want more than a state sanction from something so big?

OpheliaNightingale · 14/04/2025 08:27

@Cheesehound they almost certainly have a seperate Whattsapp group where all of this was being discussed/arranged, hence why you weren’t aware. There seems to be a high level of secrecy around the official ceremony/celebratory meal. It’s odd that you as the bridesmaid were left out. I’d be hurt too.

I’d be tempted to contact her from a place of curiosity, perhaps have a telephone conversation with her?

Fioratourer · 14/04/2025 08:30

I think she hasn’t been a great friend or she would have told you in advance what she was doing. It sounds like she uninvited you from bridesmaid duty. It’s a bit odd to change the wedding and still have a party. But each to their own. Your post seemed concerned about her but not so much about yourself. I think you are allowed to feel hurt and can tell her!

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:31

OP here. Thanks for all of your replies. Just to clarify a few points.

The venue booked for the wedding is licensed.

Bride and Groom are not religious.

Including me, there are 3 bridesmaids.

The Bride described the legal side of things to me as this - ‘We are going to have a small legal ceremony - Bridesmaid 1 and 2 and their families and the Groomsman/Best Man. We are having poems and doing vows and then we will go to a local hotel for food and drinks.’

I haven’t spoken with her yet and probably won’t until later this week. I think contacting her from a place of curiosity makes the most sense to me as I am quite baffled by it.

OP posts:
TiredMummma · 14/04/2025 08:42

She is not your friend and she is taking advantage of you. It isn’t the two weddings, it’s the no inviting you after you were willing. You sound gullible and if the bride said jump, you would say how high. It’s not about you, because she is made it about you. She didn’t invite you to her wedding or message you about it in advance. Why is this person your friend when you make all of the effort?

Windywuss · 14/04/2025 08:46

That's more baffling. If it is licensed, then why do they need a legal bit? And when did she send that message? Could you not bring yourself to reply then?

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:46

How am I gullible @TiredMummma ? There’s not a whole lot you can do after the fact is there?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:47

@Windywuss I was blindsided and it was happening the following day. I just didn’t feel it was the right time to say ‘hey, what about me?!’

OP posts:
Windywuss · 14/04/2025 08:49

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:47

@Windywuss I was blindsided and it was happening the following day. I just didn’t feel it was the right time to say ‘hey, what about me?!’

I can understand that. I'm sorry. It must have been a shock.

Has she always been a bit insensitive/self centered?

TwentyTwentyFive · 14/04/2025 08:49

Windywuss · 14/04/2025 08:46

That's more baffling. If it is licensed, then why do they need a legal bit? And when did she send that message? Could you not bring yourself to reply then?

Agreed. I'm also baffled by the fact she's been so open about how much of a big deal it was after all the initial secrecy?

I think this would be the end of the friendship for me, I genuinely can't see any reason why I'd stay friends with someone who would be so cold towards me. It's pretty obvious they see this part as the wedding and not just some legal necessity otherwise there would be no poems, no dress and no celebration.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 14/04/2025 08:51

Oh I would be incredibly hurt by this. I can only hope that she was thinking of the travelling for you and that’s why she has a small legal ceremony and you are still part of the big day.

I would video call her to speak to her about it so you can see her honest reaction. If something feels off I would be pulling out of the wedding and hen do.

Sometimes it hurts to know you aren’t as close to people are you thought 😥

CoraPirbright · 14/04/2025 08:53

Baffled is the word!! Why on earth bother with a separate legal ceremony if the venue they will have the second do at is licensed? And also why bother when it clearly isn’t important enough to have parents or siblings there? And yet have poems and a bridal looking dress? The whole thing is deeply weird imo.

custardcreme77 · 14/04/2025 09:04

She is now married, she didn’t include you on that occasion - for whatever reason, she left you out. I wouldn’t waste any effort, time or money going to the next wedding. I’d be hard pressed to wish her well but I would and then withdraw from any of the ‘wedding’ plans going forward.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:10

CoraPirbright · 14/04/2025 08:53

Baffled is the word!! Why on earth bother with a separate legal ceremony if the venue they will have the second do at is licensed? And also why bother when it clearly isn’t important enough to have parents or siblings there? And yet have poems and a bridal looking dress? The whole thing is deeply weird imo.

@Windywuss She can be self-centred but also caring - I suppose like most people can be from time to time, but this feels next level total lack of awareness.

@CoraPirbright Your are right. It is deeply weird. My DH also thinks so. Why bother with the expense of a stately home for the ‘wedding’ - but then on reflection it is being paid for my her in-laws so she can afford it on someone else’s dime.

OP posts:
Rosebushes · 14/04/2025 09:10

If you’ve been friends with someone for over 15 years and regard her as extremely close, you should be close enough to be able to ask her why you were not invited to her intimate service.

She has been really open about what’s happened, that is your opportunity to tell her you feel a bit gutted that the other bridesmaids and their DC were there but you were not told.

Really, none of us on MN know why the bride made her choice. Now you need to find out why, and then go from there.

You’re not making it all about you to question this, especially as you are close, also a bridesmaid and clearly putting effort into the hen

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:13

I will @Rosebushes - I am intending to this week. In a way I hate that I have to initiate this conversation more than actually not being invited. It’s horrible. I have a lot on at the moment (all positive stuff) but that’s not reason enough not to ask me to attend.

OP posts:
custardcreme77 · 14/04/2025 09:16

I suppose the happy couple didn’t get many wedding presents for the first wedding. The ‘grand do’ later in the year will rectify that 😏

Rosebushes · 14/04/2025 09:17

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:13

I will @Rosebushes - I am intending to this week. In a way I hate that I have to initiate this conversation more than actually not being invited. It’s horrible. I have a lot on at the moment (all positive stuff) but that’s not reason enough not to ask me to attend.

I completely understand, I hate starting conversations like this too and I am actually working on it with my therapist.

Please trust me you are not a bad friend for asking. Maybe a phone call might be easier? Sometimes it’s hard to gauge tones on message

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:19

Just horrible isn’t it @Rosebushes ? I haven’t fallen out with a friend for many years. At work I have confrontations almost every day but that isn’t personal, so easier to handle despite the unpleasantness.

OP posts:
Rosebushes · 14/04/2025 09:22

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:19

Just horrible isn’t it @Rosebushes ? I haven’t fallen out with a friend for many years. At work I have confrontations almost every day but that isn’t personal, so easier to handle despite the unpleasantness.

The thought is always harder than the reality. You might talk to your friend and she might explain and you might think actually it isn’t as bad as I expected it to be, maybe it was extremely last minute and she just grabbed a couple of close friends and their dcs to get it done.

the fact she’s been open with you about what happened, I doubt there was malicious intent. I think what she’s done wasn’t done to upset you, but she was thoughtless x

BlushingBrightly · 14/04/2025 09:31

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:31

OP here. Thanks for all of your replies. Just to clarify a few points.

The venue booked for the wedding is licensed.

Bride and Groom are not religious.

Including me, there are 3 bridesmaids.

The Bride described the legal side of things to me as this - ‘We are going to have a small legal ceremony - Bridesmaid 1 and 2 and their families and the Groomsman/Best Man. We are having poems and doing vows and then we will go to a local hotel for food and drinks.’

I haven’t spoken with her yet and probably won’t until later this week. I think contacting her from a place of curiosity makes the most sense to me as I am quite baffled by it.

Legal ceremony, poems, vows, special guests as witnesses, special outfits, celebration meal. It's a small wedding!

The second do will be a) larger and b) in a place they like. That's it! There was no need to do it twice. Especially as the venue is licensed.

JuliaLilian · 14/04/2025 09:33

Quite right she is making a bigger deal than the bride is - she’s the one who is hurt by the bride’s behaviour. I’d be offended and hurt in her position too.

XiCi · 14/04/2025 09:33

Why bother with the expense of a stately home for the ‘wedding’ - but then on reflection it is being paid for my her in-laws so she can afford it on someone else’s dime

That's a pretty nasty thing to say about someone you describe as a close friend.

Do you think her mum and dad and PIL are bitching about her behind her back and debating about whether to go to the wedding because she had this small legal ceremony first that they weren't invited to?

Just a ridiculous amount of drama and angst. When she messaged you why not just reply and say 'sounds lovely, you should have let me know I'd have liked to have been there' then you would have got the reasoning which let's face it will likely be that she didn't want you to have to travel all that way when you are doing so for what she considers her big day. Instead there's days of unnecessary second guessing and online discussion and a 'furious' DH. Christ alive, if its really bothering you that much just speak to her. You could have called her a thousand times the time you've taken on this thread

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