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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 13/04/2025 22:23

TwinklyNavyPoster · 13/04/2025 21:23

I think your feelings are totally valid but she may have a very reasonable explanation for not inviting you. When my husband and I got married we really wanted a celebrant as they can really personalise the service to you, which registrars cannot. Unfortunately celebrants can't actually marry you, so you have to go and get the legal marriage bit done separately (either before or after the wedding service / celebration). We opted to have a very low-key legal marriage, we invited no guests except for my maid of honour and her husband who were actually there to be our witnesses (as you need two witnesses to be married) and we went for a pub lunch afterwards as it was around lunchtime and we were hungry, but the meal wasn't planned and the day was no big deal - we see our proper wedding day as the day we had all our guests witness our celebrant led service, exchanged rings, wore a wedding dress / suit, cut our wedding cake, etc. Maybe your friend sees her formal marriage the same way and the legal bit just wasn't a big deal to her at all? Either way I definitely think a gentle ask as to why you weren't invited can't hurt, hopefully it'll put your mind at ease ❤️

Did all of your invitees know that they weren’t witnessing the legal wedding?

Hoodwinking people is a fraud and a farce.

TheHerboriste · 13/04/2025 22:23

TwinklyNavyPoster · 13/04/2025 21:23

I think your feelings are totally valid but she may have a very reasonable explanation for not inviting you. When my husband and I got married we really wanted a celebrant as they can really personalise the service to you, which registrars cannot. Unfortunately celebrants can't actually marry you, so you have to go and get the legal marriage bit done separately (either before or after the wedding service / celebration). We opted to have a very low-key legal marriage, we invited no guests except for my maid of honour and her husband who were actually there to be our witnesses (as you need two witnesses to be married) and we went for a pub lunch afterwards as it was around lunchtime and we were hungry, but the meal wasn't planned and the day was no big deal - we see our proper wedding day as the day we had all our guests witness our celebrant led service, exchanged rings, wore a wedding dress / suit, cut our wedding cake, etc. Maybe your friend sees her formal marriage the same way and the legal bit just wasn't a big deal to her at all? Either way I definitely think a gentle ask as to why you weren't invited can't hurt, hopefully it'll put your mind at ease ❤️

Did all of your invitees know that they weren’t witnessing the legal wedding?

Hoodwinking people is a fraud and a farce.

BackOfTheMum5net · 13/04/2025 22:27

Most people who have a celebrant-led wedding consider it to be the main event and the registrar-led wedding to be a rather dull formality.

Maybe check with her how she feels about the two events before writing her off.

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2025 22:44

Windywuss · 13/04/2025 18:34

Oh I see. Yes, registrar = non religious, that's true.

I don't know it works outside of Christian churches. Obviously a vicar can legally marry people l. Is that not true of imaams and rabiis etc?

Show quote history

A church wedding still needs a registrar present otherwise the couple are not legally married

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2025 22:44

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 14:17

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day

She wasn't told AFTER

Show quote history

Legal arrangements being made

not

we are getting married at a registry office /saying our vows

i wouldn't have read legal arrangements = marriage vows personally

Ellmau · 13/04/2025 22:50

A church wedding still needs a registrar present otherwise the couple are not legally married

They don't need a registrar as such, they need to have an Authorised Person present, who may be the same as the minister, but not necessarily.

A guide for authorised persons (accessible) - GOV.UK

A guide for authorised persons (accessible)

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/a-guide-for-authorised-persons/a-guide-for-authorised-persons-accessible

nomas · 13/04/2025 23:02

She should have been upfront. Were you the only BM not invited?

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 23:09

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/04/2025 21:09

No. A wedding is the formal joining together of two people Marriage is everything that comes afterwards, cake, picking up underpants off the floor, the whole enchilada.

How do you not know this?

Show quote history

Because a marriage is a legal piece of paper and you can have all the other stuff without signing that piece of paper

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 23:10

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2025 22:44

A church wedding still needs a registrar present otherwise the couple are not legally married

Show quote history

In a CofE church the priest is legally allowed to marry and act as registrar

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 23:11

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2025 22:44

Legal arrangements being made

not

we are getting married at a registry office /saying our vows

i wouldn't have read legal arrangements = marriage vows personally

Show quote history

Legal arrangements meaning "piece of paper and a few quick words being said to make it legal" rather than "the actual ceremony"

CarpetKnees · 13/04/2025 23:17

Windywuss · 13/04/2025 19:15

Well, clearly I know even less than I thought!

So it's only c of e who can?

Show quote history

No.
All "Authorised Persons" can.

I'm not a Catholic, but am surprised to read here that priests aren't registered as Authorised Persons. I've been to Catholic Weddings where they did.

Definitely Presbyters in Methodist, URC, and Baptist Churches can be Authorised Persons. So certainly not just CofE Presbyters.

HAB75 · 13/04/2025 23:41

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:10

@Shaniva - Yes, I am absolutely considering this being the reason. Thankyou. It does sound like something she will have thought about.

Show quote history

Firstly there are all sorts of practical reasons for getting married. If they knew they had to double up, getting the civil ceremony done quickly may well have made practical sense. Secondly, as to others being there, that could have been a fuck up. My wedding was supposed to be just us and two witnesses. My DH miscommunicated in a couple of directions, and told me sheepishly 5 days before the appointment that we had guests. I had to scramble to ask some of my family to balance it out, and find a dinner venue - God knows why, in retrospect. And all of a sudden we had sodding guests and the day was completely buggered. But I couldn't be precious - it was just a day for signing legal papers in a frock and uncomfortable shoes. I can imagine a circumstance where the local bridesmaids invited themselves, all too easily - it happened to us. People just invite themselves along because, incredibly, they think you want them to be there!

Shelby2010 · 13/04/2025 23:49

Just a few points I’d like to comment on:

In this country you can get married legally & religiously at the same time if you are Christian. You can also have a civil ceremony in a wide range of venues. So unless you are having (eg) a Muslim wedding, the guests invited to a wedding will assume they are witnessing the legal ceremony & the celebration.

You can’t sign a birth certificate at a baptism ceremony or have a doctor sign the death certificate at a funeral, so these events just aren’t comparable. And I wish certain posters would just stop using them as a ‘gotcha’.

The only non-religious, non-legal marriages I have seen have been due to specific legal issues such as visas, so the legal part had to happen at a certain time. And the guests were well aware of the reasons. This doesn’t seem to be the case here.

I suspect that these people having the fake weddings will, in due course, follow them with; gender reveal parties, baby showers, naming ceremonies, renewal of vows & then divorce parties….

Back to the OP - YANBU to be hurt by this.

Icreatedausernameyippee · 13/04/2025 23:52

My sister and BIL got legally married before their ceremony. BIL's parents were both there. It didn't matter because it wasn't their wedding.
At the actual wedding, where friends and family came together to celebrate their commitment to one another, they read their personal vows, wore their wedding outfits, shared food and fun with their guests and it was lovely.
The point is that the legal but was just the legal bit. The "party" was their wedding.

Icreatedausernameyippee · 13/04/2025 23:54

Icreatedausernameyippee · 13/04/2025 23:52

My sister and BIL got legally married before their ceremony. BIL's parents were both there. It didn't matter because it wasn't their wedding.
At the actual wedding, where friends and family came together to celebrate their commitment to one another, they read their personal vows, wore their wedding outfits, shared food and fun with their guests and it was lovely.
The point is that the legal but was just the legal bit. The "party" was their wedding.

Just to add, they did this because they weren't able to get legally married in their wedding venue.

CosyLemur · 13/04/2025 23:56

I'm guessing the place which is holding the wedding isn't licenced to hold weddings; which is why she's done the legal bit now.

Personally it wouldn't bother me. The legal weddings like that last a matter of minutes if that!

You've been invited to what the bride deems her real wedding

WilfredsPies · 14/04/2025 00:02

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:36

@Minnie798 - The Bride, Groom, 2 bridesmaids, their partners and kids and a groomsman/best man.

Show quote history

How many bridesmaids does she have? If there’s three of you, then I’d have the raving hump that I’d been the only one excluded. If there’s six of you, then it would be hurtful that she didn’t feel as close to me as I felt to her, but it would be much easier to accept, especially as neither set of parents were there.

I would be interested to know how many of them knew about the legal ceremony though. Did she only tell the two BMs and ask them not to mention it to the rest of you? Or were they all aware and it was just you who was in the dark?

Shelby2010 · 14/04/2025 00:12

Quick question…

How do people see Renewal of Vows?

Being a non-legal celebration of being married, are these on the same level as a non-legal wedding? Would you, as a guest, feel the same level of commitment to spend money booking hotels & getting dressed up as you would for the original wedding?

Shelby2010 · 14/04/2025 00:17

Icreatedausernameyippee · 13/04/2025 23:54

Just to add, they did this because they weren't able to get legally married in their wedding venue.

Show quote history

So WHY did they choose that venue to get married at, if they couldn’t actually get married there???

Sorry, this is probably a rhetorical question - it not being your decision.

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 00:21

Shelby2010 · 14/04/2025 00:17

So WHY did they choose that venue to get married at, if they couldn’t actually get married there???

Sorry, this is probably a rhetorical question - it not being your decision.

Show quote history

I expect, like others, they were unaware of the role of a celebrant in that they cannot conduct legal wedding ceremonies.

So either the celebrant mislead them, or the venue did. or they just didn't do their "homework".

Shelby2010 · 14/04/2025 00:25

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 00:21

I expect, like others, they were unaware of the role of a celebrant in that they cannot conduct legal wedding ceremonies.

So either the celebrant mislead them, or the venue did. or they just didn't do their "homework".

Edited
Show quote history

Are people really that blasé about their weddings that they don’t notice if they are legal or not? How do they manage in the rest of their lives? I expect they fall for a lot of scams.

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 00:27

Icreatedausernameyippee · 13/04/2025 23:52

My sister and BIL got legally married before their ceremony. BIL's parents were both there. It didn't matter because it wasn't their wedding.
At the actual wedding, where friends and family came together to celebrate their commitment to one another, they read their personal vows, wore their wedding outfits, shared food and fun with their guests and it was lovely.
The point is that the legal but was just the legal bit. The "party" was their wedding.

so if there were a visa issue, or inheritance issue, or next of kin issue, etc between the “legal bit” and the “real wedding,” they would not have availed themselves of their status as “legally married”, eh??

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 00:33

Shelby2010 · 14/04/2025 00:25

Are people really that blasé about their weddings that they don’t notice if they are legal or not? How do they manage in the rest of their lives? I expect they fall for a lot of scams.

Show quote history

Maybe, maybe not -

https://zionsprings.com/blog/lies-exposed-wedding-venue/

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 00:52

People who get annoyed at the separation between legally and socially/religiously marrying have perhaps not realised that the UK has treated most non-CofE religions differently around marriage ceremonies for years, requiring them to split the two aspects. It's nasty and intolerant to sneer at people for not following a CofE style approach to wedding arrangements when the law has discriminated against alternative approaches for generations.

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 01:02

Icreatedausernameyippee · 13/04/2025 23:52

My sister and BIL got legally married before their ceremony. BIL's parents were both there. It didn't matter because it wasn't their wedding.
At the actual wedding, where friends and family came together to celebrate their commitment to one another, they read their personal vows, wore their wedding outfits, shared food and fun with their guests and it was lovely.
The point is that the legal but was just the legal bit. The "party" was their wedding.

You mean you didn't all scorn them, refuse to buy them gifts or even attend in nice clothes and act like they'd committed a cardinal sin?

You acted like adults and understood and still took the party as the wedding because you knew the intention?

Amazing.