Adult DC not allowed by parents to go on holiday

[goosemoosebooth]

The situation is an adult in their 20’s, graduated from uni but working in a minimum wage job while they try to find their first graduate job. Parents have allowed their DC to not pay any board until they get their full time graduate job as DS is only on minimum wage.

However, DC is not allowed to go a holiday abroad as part of this agreement as that is a waste of money that they should not be spending when working only minimum wage job.

What are your thoughts?

I think actually forbidding it is extreme and going to cause resentment. If they are wanting them to hurrying up and save enough to move out then I get why they’ve said it. I know many people who stayed at their parents house for 10+ years “saving up for a house” whilst buying expensive cars/holidays and being fully subsidised by their parents.

@AlanShore why the angry "ffs"? Why does it matter which one the op is? You either agree with parent or adult dc

I think it’s probably fair enough if the parents were to say “it’s your money, you can do what you want, but if you’re going to spend it on holidays and make it clear your priority is not saving, then I will withdraw the offer of free bed and board and you can pay rent.”

My thoughts are that it's very controlling. If I were the DC I'd move out if at all possible - my DD supported herself in a flat share on minimum wage, but I realise that might not be possible in all parts of the country.

I don't think the parents' ethos is actually any different from that of the people who feel that food banks should only provide basic essentials and that the people who use them should never have a treat of any kind. It's an attitude that may well destroy the parent/child relationship.

Of course it a cheek to go on a holiday while only working a minimum wage job and not paying keep.

There is a giant gulf between "you can't take holidays abroad while living rent-free in our home to save money in your mid-twenties" and "you should never have a treat of any kind if you're poor."

They are paying what their parents have asked them to, though. If the parents aren’t happy with the arrangement, they could ask for rent.

I lived with my parents for a couple of years after graduating. They didn’t charge rent (I did buy my own food / toiletries etc) as they said I wasn’t actually costing them more. But the agreement was that I paid 50% of salary into savings. Don’t think it ever crossed anyone’s mind that they could / should dictate what I did with the other 50%.

It is massively controlling to dictate what your child spends their money on when they are working. Especially since holidays abroad in term time are oftem cheaper than holidays in the UK - so this is literally just about control and dominance.

They are paying what their parents have asked them to, though. If the parents aren’t happy with the arrangement, they could ask for rent.

And if the 20-something isn't happy with their parents having a say in their spending then they can move out or insist on paying rent.

They're not dictating what their child spends their money on. They're specifying the conditions under which they'll continue to house an adult for free.

If you want full independence you need to be independent. No individual - including parents - are obligated to fund your chosen lifestyle unconditionally.

If the deal is want a holiday/pay rent then the parents need to be open and honest about that.

When dc pays rent they can do what they want with the money left over. Personally I would not be happy in that situation if my kid went on holiday but wouldnt try to "forbid" it - it would just be "if you can afford a holiday abroad you can pay rent in future".

I really don't think this sort of extended adolescence does an adult any favours. Living in their parents' house like a child, with no expectation of paying for their own room and board. It seems to encourage everyone in the family to fall back into adult/child dynamics and it delays maturity and responsibility. Personally, I could never live this way as an adult, which is why I was financially independent from the time I graduated uni.

I do think the parents in this situation are being controlling, but the solution for the adult child is simple. Either move out and gain independence or start paying their parents for room and board. I know which option I would choose.

However, I completely disagree with the idea that an adult who is working somehow has the "right" to a holiday while also being financially dependent on their parents.

They are being open and honest about that. "You can't spend money on expensive holidays abroad while living in our house rent free as a post-uni adult" is exceptionally clear and reasonable.

It is completely unreasonable for an adult to live in someone's home rent-free with the stated purpose of saving money and not being able to afford to support themselves just yet and then cry foul when their benefactor has expectations for them actually saving money and working towards supporting themself.

The personal responsibility of being an independent adult is (and should be) a prerequisite for the freedom of being an independent adult. Parents who bankroll their adult children to live in a delayed adolescence where they get all the perks of being an adult without the responsibilities are doing them a massive disservice.

Sorry I am the parent who doesn’t expect rent whilst DC not earning much and also pay towards their holidays, because I can and I want to.
All in well paying jobs now.

They are subsidising their adult child who isn't yet earning enough to stand on their own two feet. If an extravagance like a holiday is being fully paid for by a third party eg a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend that's none of the parents business. However, accepting a subsidy on the basis of being unable to survive otherwise and then using the money thus saved for luxuries and extravagances is most certainly unacceptable, and proves the subsidy is unnecessary. The parents shouldn't be "forbidding" though, but would be perfectly reasonable to cease subsidising them though.

I'm a lot older than the person described in the original post and I don't live with my parents but they still wouldn't allow me to go on holiday. A holiday? From what? I have a non stressful low paying job. I'm not earning megabucks in a stressful career. I'm not down a mine. I do not need time off to recover from the physical or mental demands of my job.

If your parents don't pre-date the Holidays with Pay Act YMMV

Think PP meant, on another thread, the OP of THAT thread has been advised to hide her son's passport.

Sure, but graduate wages are stagnant, and housing prices are very high. I’m not sure a lot of young people have a lot of choice if they want to buy a house, particularly if they are not on a stellar wage to start with.

Jesus fucking christ. Absolutely not. Yea, they may have a minimum wage job, but they are entitled to have FUN and a LIFE! Jesus.

see your own username for the response to this

I think it depends. Mine lived at home for free while studying but it was clear that the deal was: You live at home for free so you can put that money towards minimising your student loan. The idea of this was to make sure they started adult life with as little debt as possible, so that would make things easier for them, help them get a house sooner (if that's what they wanted), and not have to service the debt making their life harder and more restricted. If they then went and took expensive overseas trips with that money instead while I'm carrying them financially, then it's not really fair.

However, I do recall one of the children was interested in travel and did take a couple of overseas trips, so obviously I saw there could be balance.

I think that paying keep, or not, is a separate issue from what the DC spends their money on. If the parents want keep, they can ask for that. But I don't think that giving their child free board allows them to dictate what the DC does with their spare money.

I'd say it would depend on the DC. If they are generally responsible and saving lots of money and living fairly respectfully in the DPs home, then why shouldn't they spend a little of their savings on having a holiday - DPs shouldn't grudge that.

If, on the other hand, the DC is regularly spunking money up the wall on new gaming systems, designer clothes, ordering in food etc, and showing no signs of actually saving up to move out - in that case the DPs might be justified in saying 'oy, no holidays!' Although how you'd actually forbid someone who is physically capable of packing a bag and leaving, I don't know.