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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult DC not allowed by parents to go on holiday

151 replies

goosemoosebooth · 12/04/2025 18:01

The situation is an adult in their 20’s, graduated from uni but working in a minimum wage job while they try to find their first graduate job. Parents have allowed their DC to not pay any board until they get their full time graduate job as DS is only on minimum wage.

However, DC is not allowed to go a holiday abroad as part of this agreement as that is a waste of money that they should not be spending when working only minimum wage job.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
FuckityFux · 12/04/2025 19:47

Hmm. I suspect that the parents have been funding their DC all through their University years and maybe the DC was a bit rubbish with money at that point and so the parents are desperately trying to get them to learn to live within their means for a change?

Holidays are a luxury not a necessity!! Plenty of us adults go without holidays for years because we simply can’t afford them.

This summer will be my first proper holiday abroad in more than 15 years that doesn’t involve visiting relatives.

ChristmasFluff · 12/04/2025 19:50

Well I love my son, and this will basically be his situation when he finishes his current training - he is doing a graduate job until he has money to do his PhD.

So of course if he wanted to come on holiday with me I would pay for him to go. I will have to charge him some rent to cover our living expenses if he lives with me, but fuck me, if I can't afford for us both to go on hols, then I don't go either.

The money he saves by me only charging him minimal bed and board is his to spend as he chooses. Although I know he chooses to save for his PhD, as he saved for his Masters before. But he's working, so it's his money. He can piss it up the wall, go on holdays, buy a brothel for his girlfriend. And if I'm not happy with how he's behaving, I'll speak to him, and then end the situation if it isn't working for one or other of us. But it doesn't sound like behaviour is an issue here? Who knows, cos for someone who supposedly wanted advice, OP is very silent.

I wonder why some MNers even have children when they seem to hate them so much.

edwinbear · 12/04/2025 19:52

Adult DC may not ever actually get a graduate job. They are far more graduates, than graduate jobs. Does that mean they are permanently banned from having a holiday? In that scenario though, there does need to be some sort of plan for their living arrangements going forward.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 12/04/2025 19:52

Orangemintcream · 12/04/2025 19:34

Yes I was. Many reasons for that - among them it was some time back when things were cheaper. Took me 8 years. In a shared house back then rent was about £50 a week.

I also lived very cheaply in a in the north of England for several years full of drug addicted prostitutes on my doorstep. Sometimes I couldn’t even afford the heating going on.

I also bought a cheap house in a shithole in the north of England some years back.

I spent very very little on anything when I did have some more money - I didn’t change my lifestyle to match my salary. I did have the odd holiday very cheaply.

I have mixed feelings about it - things are different now and in the south I can’t imagine how anyone buys at all.

Its made me independent and I don’t depend on anyone for anything. But the style of parenting I had was like that. I wasn’t checked up on for revision etc at college. It was my problem to solve.

Show quote history

Things are very different. I never lived at home again after I graduated. My 26 and 27 year olds have been away and come back again. Youngest lived at hom for uni and is due to graduate. DC1 had the deposit for their house in less than 3 years living at home. DH and I bought our first house when we were 27, used wedding gift money for the deposit and had 100% mortgage!!!! Funny to look back!

We had just moved out of London. DH had a job but I didn't for a bit, but then we got on our feet, had DC1 and moved to a bigger house.

It all has changed so much! Our house was a new-build so most of the kids whose parents moved in here are around or a bit younger than my kids' ages. Our street is like the wacky races, there's so many YP's cars there! A heck of a lot of them have never moved out.

FoxedByACat · 12/04/2025 19:52

BIWI · 12/04/2025 18:17

to see money being spent on holidays could be a bit annoying.

If the DC was pissing around and being workshy, I would agree. But the DC in this situation IS working. And earning, albeit at a lower level than they/their parents would prefer. Why shouldn’t they have a holiday, if they can afford it?

Absolutely, if they were paying rent/their way.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 12/04/2025 19:53

edwinbear · 12/04/2025 19:52

Adult DC may not ever actually get a graduate job. They are far more graduates, than graduate jobs. Does that mean they are permanently banned from having a holiday? In that scenario though, there does need to be some sort of plan for their living arrangements going forward.

Please don't say that!!! 🤔I've two graduate job-hunting. Nerves wrecked!

TinkerTailorSoldier · 12/04/2025 19:54

Fully with the parents on this one. Go on holidays after paying board, if you still have any money left. Living within your means is an important adulting lesson

housemaus · 12/04/2025 19:59

Parents being massively unreasonable unless this 'restriction' was made clear at the start of the arrangement (and even then, the idea of forbidding an adult to do anything regardless is silly).

The arrangement is to save their child housing costs - no more or less. You can't enforce a saving regime upon another adult. If the parents are no longer happy to save their child housing costs because they don't like what they're doing with the rest of their money, they can start charging rent, but they still have no right to say what the child is doing with the rest of the money.

Hwi · 12/04/2025 20:03

Pippa12 · 12/04/2025 18:04

I think the adult should be allowed to pay rent so their life is not controlled by parents. Failing that, move out… pronto! What will be rationed next?

Don't be silly - move out.... This chancer wants board and lodgings to be paid, and preferably holidays too!

Lovelynames123 · 12/04/2025 20:08

Adult child should do as they please. I had plenty of holidays before I bought a house, my dps didn't begrudge one bit despite not paying board or earning huge amounts

Anyway, a last minute term time holiday could be as little as a few hundred so hardly breaking the bank. It's so important to have some proper downtime, life is long and hard!

Preposterious · 12/04/2025 20:10

I think dc should commit to saving a certain amount every month but still be able to have spending money. If they can save from for a holiday as well, then sure, why not?

Bumply · 12/04/2025 20:10

Eldest son stopped coming on family holidays at 15. His choice. Stayed with his Dad.

Younger son came on holiday with me until late teens.

When he was at college, but still living with me I went on holidays on my own. He was planning to go on holiday with friends, but Covid happened.

It wasn’t a matter of not allowed. Just that we wanted different things.

Loloj · 12/04/2025 20:11

Can’t work out the voting as not sure whether you are parent or son. I assume you are parent so have voted YABU.

If DC can afford it then they are an adult and can spend their money on going on holiday surely? It’s nice of the parents to help out and not charge board but surely DC can still save and have a life/ go on a holiday? Very controlling to tell an adult that they can’t go on holiday. If you want to charge board then charge board but don’t try to control how they spend their money. As the parent you should be giving advice about not spending beyond their means but not telling them what they can and can not do with their wages.

StScholastica · 12/04/2025 20:11

Well there's currently 6 cars parked outside our house as the adult DC keep coming and going and bringing partners with them.
It costs a fortune for food and electric but I don't bloody care. I love them and I love that they like being here. I don't know what we'd spend the money on if it wasn't on them.
I'd never dictate what they spent their money on, they all seem sensible and work hard and it's hard for young people to establish themselves these days.

C152 · 12/04/2025 20:12

It's like the parents are punishing their child for not being able to find a well paying job yet. At least they have a job and aren't sitting on their backside playing playstation all day.

If I were the adult DC, I'd leave as soon as possible and not look back.

CousinBob · 12/04/2025 20:21

Better to pay board and be less beholden to them.

Youbutterbelieve · 12/04/2025 20:22

Adult child pays rent, parents butt out of their life.

Mary46 · 12/04/2025 20:23

Prob best pay board. Would find my mam like that these things come with terms and conditions lol ...

User37482 · 12/04/2025 20:23

I think the point the parents are making is that the child can leave and pay rent and go on holiday as they wish. But they will be paying rent for a very very long time if they choose to do that. But honestly it’s up to the adult child, you can’t always have everything.

Zanzara · 12/04/2025 20:36

Parenting doesn't stop when DC leave University. We know nowadays that young people's brains don't fully mature till they're getting on towards 30 (obviously varies).

A critical part of parenting is preparing young people for life, for adulthood, and all the expectations and costs life places upon us.

If parents have let child come home rent and expense free to allow them to save up - possibly at quite some personal cost, and deferment of their own plans and wishes - then absolutely they have every right to be pissed off if DC doesn't use this opportunity to put cash aside. Holidays are great, but only when you can afford them.

There is a lot of detail and context missing here, but it is not necessarily "controlling" to expect an agreement to be honoured.

GravyBoatWars · 12/04/2025 20:38

This is a perfectly reasonable condition for being financially supported by parents post-uni. Taking holidays abroad as an adult comes after you've covered your own basic living expenses.

The adult child isn't being held hostage in their parents' home - they can choose to be independent and then budget their money however they please. But they don't get to demand someone else pay for their housing and other needs unconditionally... accepting ongoing financial support as an adult always comes with limits and obligations.

As someone who had a very difficult relationship with my father (who could absolutely be controlling and judgemental) through my teens and early 20s, the #1 piece of advice I have for people who are in that position is to prioritize financial independence. It dramatically changes the relationship.

WeHaveTheRabbit · 12/04/2025 20:38

ChristmasFluff · 12/04/2025 19:50

Well I love my son, and this will basically be his situation when he finishes his current training - he is doing a graduate job until he has money to do his PhD.

So of course if he wanted to come on holiday with me I would pay for him to go. I will have to charge him some rent to cover our living expenses if he lives with me, but fuck me, if I can't afford for us both to go on hols, then I don't go either.

The money he saves by me only charging him minimal bed and board is his to spend as he chooses. Although I know he chooses to save for his PhD, as he saved for his Masters before. But he's working, so it's his money. He can piss it up the wall, go on holdays, buy a brothel for his girlfriend. And if I'm not happy with how he's behaving, I'll speak to him, and then end the situation if it isn't working for one or other of us. But it doesn't sound like behaviour is an issue here? Who knows, cos for someone who supposedly wanted advice, OP is very silent.

I wonder why some MNers even have children when they seem to hate them so much.

Buy a brothel for his girlfriend?

I assume that's autocorrect for something, I just can't work out what! 😅

Trolleysaregoodforemployment · 12/04/2025 20:43

I think it is a reasonable trade. It is an incentive to really put an effort into getting a graduate job. Once they secure one they can easily delay their start by 2 or 3 months and have a holiday in the down time.

If the DC doesn't like the terms, pay rent and do as you please holiday wise.

StopStartStop · 12/04/2025 20:45

Parents have allowed their DC to not pay any board until they get their full time graduate job
Parents are entitled to make conditions under these circumstances. It will be good for the lad in the long run.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 12/04/2025 20:46

I think it’s controlling.

I would want my kid to be able to travel and enjoy
themselves if they can.