Adult DC not allowed by parents to go on holiday

[goosemoosebooth]

The situation is an adult in their 20’s, graduated from uni but working in a minimum wage job while they try to find their first graduate job. Parents have allowed their DC to not pay any board until they get their full time graduate job as DS is only on minimum wage.

However, DC is not allowed to go a holiday abroad as part of this agreement as that is a waste of money that they should not be spending when working only minimum wage job.

What are your thoughts?

It's not ridiculous at all. It's the reality of the housing market.

Some parents hand out a deposit for a house. We did it this way.

Even minimum wages would give you more than enough money to be able to contribute to household expenses. I think charging a small amount would better prepare the DC for the real world and wouldn't be so controlling. If DC wanted the holiday, they'd have to budget accordingly.

If its part of the live at home for free agreement then, while I think the child would be better off paying rent and then doing what they like, well they agreed to it. I get that the parents might feel that they are subsidising the holiday...and it depends on how well off the parents are too. Is having the child at home making them have to give up things? last thing of course is what will the parents do if the child just goes?
I think its nuanced.....possibly not a good idea but nuanced.

How the parents can ruin the relationship with their now adult child and once they are free they will come back way less than they may have done. If the 'child' was off every month there may be a basis for a chat, but they sound awful.

My thoughts are that threads that use DC instead of DS or DD are profoundly irritating.

Intelligent input darling.

It's a bit miserable but I understand the logic. And only temporary till the persons gets a better job.

I notice they've only vetoed foreign holidays so presumably a UK holiday isn't off limits? Though they can be expensive too.

EDIT: I take it all back having just read the post directly following mine. 😅

On another thread the OP is being advised to hide her son's passport. 🤔

I love travel. And I enjoy my DC's company. So, personally, I'd probably invite them on at least part of my own holiday in that situation.

Otherwise, there's potentially a big difference between planning a £1000+ trip and £200 spent on youth hostelling for a few nights. So perhaps depends on the holiday in question. But, as I really value travel, I'd be happy to facilitate my DC seeing the world. And although I might prefer to see them off on a culturally enriching holiday over a week of clubbing, I don't think adults should dictate what other adults do for a holiday.

I can sort of see both sides, but the OP doesn't mention saving for a house deposit, only a NMW job whilst looking for something that pays more. Is that not a way of saying "don't pay rent, use the money for other stuff?"

Honestly, you never ever know what's around the corner and I can't imagine begrudging my DC a holiday in that scenario.

The parents are weird and controlling. Why wouldn't you want your young adult to enjoy a holiday and make the most of their youth. If you can't afford to subsidise them don't do it. Subsiding them as a means to control them is wrong.

I regretfully agree with the parents. Holidays are extras. If the reason you can afford extras is that you're sponging off your parents for board and lodging, you're taking the piss. Young adult should pay their own way, then they're free to do what they please with leftover money.

Also whether they really have been putting aside the ££££ the parents are saving them, or whether it's been frittered away

I agree that "saying they can't go" is a bit much on the face of it, but there's a lot of context missing - also there's nothing to stop the young adult moving out and paying their own way, or to prevent the parents charging board and actually saving it for them as many I know do

The OP has only posted this thread, unless you know they have another name?

Well, I have three kids and I would not dream of going on holiday without them. I have taken all of them and middle DC's fiance on a 5 star week in Greece. Because hey, I can afford it and I don't want to lecture them.

They're all hardworking responsible kids, youngest DC not yet graduated.

The situation describer by OP shows a deep meanness of spirit.

I think this is weird. Don't the parents want the adult DC to go on holiday with them? I wouldn't dream of doing this. I would absolutely include my adult DC with the holiday plans. Adult DC is on the cusp of their real adult life starting; they've graduated and are working a crappy job while finding something better - good for them! - and it probably won't be too many more years before they have a partner, then maybe kids, and the parents won't see them much.

My parents would never have left me out like this before I got my graduate job and moved to London.

After all, it's not as if adult DC is loafing around doing nothing.

I can’t see where it says there’s saving for a deposit, just that they’re supposed to be looking for a better paying job.

This is not a rule I would impose. Holidays are restorative, otherwise what’s the point of working.

The compromise here is DS ponies up some “rent”, and still gets to go to Ibeza with their mates like kids are meant to do in their 20’s.

We've got this situation coming up. Child graduating in July and going into a decent paying degree apprenticeship job. We've said they and their partner can live rent free with us until they find a place to live. Save up to add to their house deposit which they both have some money to add to the deposit pot. They are both quite frugal anyway as they are staying with us for Easter holidays. I would not begrudge them a holiday away.

It's controlling but theres nothing for free on life. If they want to run their own life, move out. Perhaps they think DC need to sort their priorities out and are saving money for them because their own priority is making sure they don't have a 50yo living at home and working minimum wage.

Any cultural reasons? I wasn't allowed to go away on holiday until I got married which happened when I was 28. My parents were/ are incredibly strict and no it wouldn't have occured to me to ever defy them.

Whilst it's good to save and learn to budget, as long as they aren't getting into debt or wanting something insane then it's a bit of a stupid rule which just ends in resentment.

It would be better for parents to charge a nominal rent and put it into a savings account and encourage them to save and budget life.

I feel like this isn't the full story.

You mention an agreement - Was this a 'we will let you live here rent/board free on the condition that you save your money for a house deposit and don't fritter it away on holidays/takeaways/other frivolous things' sort of deal?

If that is the agreement that the adult offspring signed up to... then they need to stick to that.

If they don't like such conditions then they're free to live elsewhere and do as they please.

I don't know that I agree it's an entirely sensible condition but then I have no idea of the backstory - perhaps these parents have already bailed this person out plenty in the past and are getting fed up of being taken for a ride? Or perhaps they are just controlling arseholes who don't see the benefits of people getting some rest and downtime via a holiday.

It's often cheaper to go abroad than holiday in the UK, especially if off-peak is an option. Plus abroad is more reliable for weather

I'd offer rent-free if it was a short term arrangement with a clear plan; I spent a year back home between my degree and further studies working full time in my student job. That enabled me to save and pay off my overdraft. I was rarely home at weekends spending them mainly with now-DH or away on cheap camping trips. The window of being able to enjoy life like that without major commitment is small so if budgets are being managed sensibly, I wouldn't want to inhibit quality of life and socialising for my own DCs.

If it was a longer term, indefinite arrangement, I would charge a modest rent/ board appropriate to their income to balance experience of living costs with quality of life.

The price of most holidays is a tiny fragment of house/ flat deposits. Holidays can also boost general life/ independence skills which is potentially useful life experience. Unless there are major concerns over budgeting, it's unnecessarily controlling to "prohibit" holidays or other discretionary spending.

Too late to add to my post, but soon this child will be on 25 days holiday a year, use the chance for a bit of fun. Living with the OP seems pretty miserable for them, probably can't wait to get out.

My DS also did minimum wage job after Uni and lived rent free on condition that they saved. They did, however, go on holiday once a year to a cheap destination of their choosing. They found a better paid job after 8 months and continued to have an annual holiday whilst living rent free. After 3 years they'd saved enough for a deposit to buy a house. I doubt they'll be having a holiday for the next few years now they've got a mortgage and bills to pay so I don't begrudge them those holidays whilst they lived at home at all.

Your 20s are for life experiences so I would encourage holidays with friends personally but I don't see that as a waste of money. Id probably charge some board and let them live their life.

I want more for my kids than slaving away in work and saving though. There is a balance of being sensible with money and having a life.