Am I mad for considering this living situation? Setting up house with parents AND brother

[Bourte]

I am in a very weird place mentally. I am experiencing a bit of an existential crisis. Have become very conscious of the fact that humans are not designed to spend all day creating PowerPoints and sitting in a very unremarkable new build in a London commuter town.

My parents have suggested this completely mad set up. They have found the MOST gorgeous stone farmhouse in Devon with two VERY good sized cottages. Bigger than my home now. And when I say they could be featured in Home and County it is no understatement. Someone with obviously amazing taste has or even an interior designer has done the whole place up. The terrace with its plants and flowers is second to none. We are taking vaulted ceilings, stone fireplaces, flagstaff floors etc. There are various gardens which are just spectacular.

The properties are fairly separate also. Being used as an income right now.

I work from home and could probably get away with going into London one day a week. My husband is very up for the idea but he is a bit of an introvert with very sporty hobbies. The cottage that would be ours is 3 possibly 4 bed. It’s on the edge of a gorgeous town with a lot going on.

My brother is a long haul pilot so he really just needs a place to rest his head.

We get on very well and have never had a problem with boundaries .We are probably polite to a fault.

I mean it has a winding gravel drive way with electric gates ffs.

Am I mad??

I live in a very unremarkable new build semi that is beyond cramped with no garden to speak of

But you wouldn’t be setting up house with them as you’d have your own house? Sounds great provided you all get on and would respect each others privacy.

Separate, fully contained houses on the same land? Doesn't sound like any of you have typing children that would constantly be knocking on someone else's door.

Go for it.

We all would have our own private outdoor space. All of which are stunning.

My family could live like this definitely, sounds amazing !

Might be worth working out what would happen if on set wanted out? Would you redraw boundaries and allow one property to be sold? How would the 2 remaining family units feel about sharing with a stranger?

What about capital improvements to one of the houses? If you decide later down the line to sell all three, but you have put in a new kitchen for example?

you know whether living cheek by jowl with your family is possible. I’d be more concerned about the possible exit strategies.

Sounds amazing. I’d go for it!

There’s nothing to lose from giving it some consideration, subject to acknowledging that whilst you get on really well with your family and have good boundaries, both of these things are much easier when you don’t live right next door to them. Plus practicalities like work: you currently work from home and think you could “get away with” only going to London one day a week; if you wanted to look for a new job or promotion, or were made redundant in the future, are there adequate jobs in the new area that this wouldn’t be problematic?

I’m not somebody who’s ever really seen the appeal of peacocking with a giant house full of rooms, and the wonderful friends and community I have in London would be difficult to leave behind: but if you’re somebody who makes friends easily in all kinds of situations, you’d have that to build on.

Yes, my biggest concern is what would happen if someone wanted to move.

The house being very cosy is one factor. I’m a homebody so having a dreamy kitchen with a view to cook, bake etc sounds dreamy. But it’s the lifestyle that also appeals too - coast, river, gorgeous gardens to tend to, the countryside on our doorstep for the dog etc

This sounds more combative than intended but why would you have to move with parents and brother? The country is full of beautiful rural settings - what’s held you back before?

It sounds really, really great, OP! I hope it can be a solution to your existential crisis. On reading your title, I thought "only if they are actually very separate properties to avoid being in each other's space too much", but on reading your OP it sounds as though it could be a perfect setup, particularly if you and your brother get on well. Other than the matter of maintaining boundaries, I suppose you just have to think about the things others have said, such as what if one of you should want to sell up, or rent out their property.

My parents would effectively be subsidising dh and I. They are selling a house which shot up in value over the last 30 years.

I think I'd need a solid exit strategy for if/when it stops working, eg:

• dps need to sell up to pay for elder care
• dps think you can DO the elder care as they think you're just pottering about & don't understand WFH
• db suddenly rocks up with a new dp he's met on his travels. Who has 3 dc from a previous relationship. They want you out.
• you meet a lovely new dp, but he/she doesn't want to basically move in with the ILs
• you decide it's been great, but now you'd like to buy a place, but you've been off the property ladder for years & you're getting older, so any mortgage you can get will be crippling

etc etc.

I wouldn't reject the idea out of hand, but I'd want to have discussed how the set up could be easily dissolved without everyone falling out...

I think it sounds great.

But, what if it goes wrong? What if you want to move? Are you putting money in to the house(s) to buy, or not? If not, will you pay rent to your parents? If so - what is the exit strategy? Lots of things to consider.

How are the financials working? What will happen if your parents need care?

Sounds good and if your parents should need help as they get older you will be close at hand. It sounds like a very pleasant place.
I would love this set up with my grown dc.

I could be having my breakfast here! Can you imagine a cup of tea, a scone and a good book?

Sounds idyllic but so would like to know the following:

What would the financial
arrangements be?

What happens when your parents get old or one of you wants to sell?

If your parents died, what would the will look like and how would assets be divided?

I’d want to make sure that financially you were secure and wouldn’t lose out if/when this arrangement comes to an end and you would receive full value of house back if you are paying mortgage?

The obvious issue would be difficulties arising from having to sell the estate of all of the houses together because it doesn’t sound ideal if they were sold off individually?

What happens if you have children (if you don’t have them already) what about schools?

What if your brother has a serious relationship and married and you can’t stand their partner or spouse?

Are you saying you and your husband would have no immediate financial investment? Also a consideration is the age of your parents. Can they manage a large property? What happens if they need to pay for care in old age?

Parents would not dream of relying on their children. They are very independent. I of course don’t mind pitching in and neither does brother. Ie I would be fine sorting out food shops for them, cooking extra dinner and taking it over to them etc. They have budgeted to have carers in their later years. Parents are well set up.

Dh and I would also have more disposable income with the move

Dh and I on the fence with having children. I suspect we at have one at some point

We would contribute around £475k and have equity in the property

Edited to say this is in response to:

My parents would effectively be subsidising dh and I. They are selling a house which shot up in value over the last 30 years.

In that case Op, I’m sorry, but I would not enter this sort of arrangement.

However respectful of your privacy and independence your parents may be, the parent-adult child dynamic is always skewed by financial subsidy,

Parents tend to assume some level of ownership or control over their adult offspring in this situation, even if it’s unconscious.

And adult children can palm off financial responsibility on to their parents. And the relationship with the son in law (in this instance your dh) is always tricky and puts obligations and stress on to your marriage.

I think it’s far better if each party remain free agents and financially independent, sorry!

Go for it.

I would do it with my parents and I would do it with my children. But the finances must be clear. How about that Agatha Christie stalwart a Tontine?