Am I mad for considering this living situation? Setting up house with parents AND brother

[Bourte]

I am in a very weird place mentally. I am experiencing a bit of an existential crisis. Have become very conscious of the fact that humans are not designed to spend all day creating PowerPoints and sitting in a very unremarkable new build in a London commuter town.

My parents have suggested this completely mad set up. They have found the MOST gorgeous stone farmhouse in Devon with two VERY good sized cottages. Bigger than my home now. And when I say they could be featured in Home and County it is no understatement. Someone with obviously amazing taste has or even an interior designer has done the whole place up. The terrace with its plants and flowers is second to none. We are taking vaulted ceilings, stone fireplaces, flagstaff floors etc. There are various gardens which are just spectacular.

The properties are fairly separate also. Being used as an income right now.

I work from home and could probably get away with going into London one day a week. My husband is very up for the idea but he is a bit of an introvert with very sporty hobbies. The cottage that would be ours is 3 possibly 4 bed. It’s on the edge of a gorgeous town with a lot going on.

My brother is a long haul pilot so he really just needs a place to rest his head.

We get on very well and have never had a problem with boundaries .We are probably polite to a fault.

I mean it has a winding gravel drive way with electric gates ffs.

Am I mad??

I live in a very unremarkable new build semi that is beyond cramped with no garden to speak of

I would do this IF...
Parents bought the whole thing and THEN sold you and your brother the two cottages at whatever price is agreed between you.
The two cottages and the main house are registered as completely separate units with legal shared access to the driveway and parking.
Anyone can sell their own unit at any time, to whoever they want and at any price they want. You might agree that if you bought the cottage from your parents at lower than market value, you would have to give them £X from the sale if you sell within 5 years / 10 years.

If the above is done, so that there are no legal entanglements, I'd jump at it.

Also for you personally I'd recommend looking at whether you could afford the mortgage with a job local to the cottage, in case yours falls through. Ie don't depend on the big city salary.

Do it. But have a Solicitor write it all up legally.

Why the need to be subsidised by your parents? That brings with it the potential pitfalls- the mutual dependency, the issues if you/ brother/parents wanted to sell up at some point etc

its not like this can be the only lovely property you can afford. With the contribution you’d make, why not just buy a property independently with your dh? It might not be all done up by an interior designer but you would definitely be able to buy somewhere rural and attractive.

It would give dh and I more disposable income each month.

I just thought it was mutually beneficial. We can keep an eye out for my parents and they can help us with the dogs/house sitting when dh and I go away (which we do fairly often).

Sorry to be a downer but the worst case, and hopefully unlikely, scenarios are the ones to be thinking about rather than the scone and the cup of tea in the lovely garden. You may have already discussed these and know there is an agreed solution but what if:

You and husband decide you want to live somewhere else
Your brother wants to live somewhere else
You and your husband divorce
You die, your husband wants to live somewhere else
One of your parents dies, the remaining parent meets someone new who wants to live elsewhere or doesn’t want you living next door

I hope you can work through everything and come to an arrangement that works for you all 🏘️

If you think it would make you happy you should do it. I could do this with my family and I think we'd all be happy, particularly with the separate cottages. You should think it through properly though, such as how it would feel to live there every day, year on year. I probably would miss the city.

Even then though, would an independent buyer want to buy a small house or large cottage unit on land with a shared drive where the two other house owners were related? Sorry to be a negative Nelly but I wouldn’t!

Ditto would a girlfriend or potential partner of your db want to come and live on a little “estate” next to pils and sil & bil. Not sure I would!

Op it could all work brilliantly you never know but I think you have to look at these family transactions involving finances and properties through very clear unemotional eyes, not the with visions of flowers and a tea table.

Sounds lovely.
Get everything legally drawn up with a solicitor fully protecting yourself, you never know what the future holds.

I'll come if you don't want to, it sounds perfect.

Just be very clear about work travel before you commit.

I suppose the other thing is that you admit to being in very weird place mentally. Perhaps not the best time to make major life decisions!

in your shoes, being able to work remotely 4 days a week I would definitely look to move away from suburbia, and if a more rural, period property is what you desire then it’s great that you’re in a position to go for it.

personally I wouldn’t want the set up you describe: nothing against my family members at all, but it’s clearly one property altogether (a farmhouse with 2 additional cottages) all down a shared driveway by the sound of it. It would just feel a bit claustrophobic to me and I also wouldn’t want to be subsidised by my parents. But you may feel differently. I would just advise giving it some time (which admittedly may mean losing this property) because making such a big decision probably isn’t best done when you’re feeling as you are

I really do see the attraction but given all the negatives described by posters I would say no.

This is what I think too

What does your dh think about it op?

How does he get on with your family?

Is he close to his family?

I’d be wary if I was the sil or dil in this scenario, again, it could work well, but the potential downsides could be damaging to your marriage,

This.

It sounds perfect.

We get on very well. We are all easygoing people who try to be kind to one another. I know my mum and dad would not be rocking up constantly. We go on holidays together and it’s obvious they try their best to be considerate.

dh likes my parents and they like him

I have a friend who has a set up like this (3 adult children + partners + kids in the cottages though) and it works great for them, lots of little cousins growing up together.

I did express to my brother concerns for him and any future partner. But brother has expressed a desire to just totally commit himself to work to get his hours in for command. I have mentioned the possibility that his future wife may not be happy with the set up. But brother emphasised he’s not looking to settle down for a few years (he is 26). But of course who can predict these things?

My immediate reaction was no way, but that was when I thought you meant one house.
I think you should go for it - but consider how you would afford it/ manage with outsiders, if db’s circumstances change. Which they very definitely could do.

If you all get on, it sounds wonderful. But I would be very careful to get the practicalities about bills etc., and future possibilities, in writing. What would happen if one or two of the three households wanted to sell up or move? What if your brother married someone who you don’t get on with, or who didn’t want to live there? Do the three homes come together, as a package, or could they be sold individually? If the latter, how difficult might it be if a stranger bought one of them?

Whay happens when one house owner passes? Will you need to sell that house?

Just go.

So your brother is still quite young… I can see that what might work well for him is to invest in a property, even though he sounds like he’s working all hours right now and not home much. And having a property near to family could work well as they can keep an eye on it and he may even want to let it out for income as he’s so heavily involved with work now. But I’d be surprised if at 26 he wants to make a big decision which is so wrapped up with the rest of the family.

why not consider moving rurally (as it seems your parents are planning to do anyway) but keeping your independence? You could be within easy striking distance of each other but I think there are a lot of potential pitfalls about your parents buying what is essentially one property down a shared drive way where they’re subsidising you.

I know of 2 seperate families that did just this, on the proviso that if one family wanted to sell, then it was sold.

Worked really well.

Brother is REALLY unpicky. He just started flying long haul so spends a lot of time in big cities/ just walking around by himself. He really just wants a place to sleep when he’s home and somewhere to put his this things ie his motorcycle. He is very into fitness and the outdoor lifestyle appeals for him to recharge when off work

I think it sounds ideal. You’re close by but separate.
You get the lifestyle you want.

Could get complex if you split from your husband.