Am I mad for considering this living situation? Setting up house with parents AND brother

[Bourte]

I am in a very weird place mentally. I am experiencing a bit of an existential crisis. Have become very conscious of the fact that humans are not designed to spend all day creating PowerPoints and sitting in a very unremarkable new build in a London commuter town.

My parents have suggested this completely mad set up. They have found the MOST gorgeous stone farmhouse in Devon with two VERY good sized cottages. Bigger than my home now. And when I say they could be featured in Home and County it is no understatement. Someone with obviously amazing taste has or even an interior designer has done the whole place up. The terrace with its plants and flowers is second to none. We are taking vaulted ceilings, stone fireplaces, flagstaff floors etc. There are various gardens which are just spectacular.

The properties are fairly separate also. Being used as an income right now.

I work from home and could probably get away with going into London one day a week. My husband is very up for the idea but he is a bit of an introvert with very sporty hobbies. The cottage that would be ours is 3 possibly 4 bed. It’s on the edge of a gorgeous town with a lot going on.

My brother is a long haul pilot so he really just needs a place to rest his head.

We get on very well and have never had a problem with boundaries .We are probably polite to a fault.

I mean it has a winding gravel drive way with electric gates ffs.

Am I mad??

I live in a very unremarkable new build semi that is beyond cramped with no garden to speak of

Devon to London once a week and long haul pilot brother who presumably commutes to London airports, I think you would find travel arrangements very hard quite quickly.

Sorry, haven't read everything, but what happens if one of you wants to sell. Could one of the properties be sold by itself? If not then it is not a great idea as it may not work in the longer term.

I love Devon but having spent two years there
totally hated the damp , it rains a lot to
how easy would it be once p in law need care etc on ageing

Can’t really figure out which of YABU and YANBU is “go for it”, but that’s what you need to do.

As far as I can figure out your literal only downside is your employer calls you into the office more than one day a week at some point (in which case you’ll need to rent a room in London which is hardly the end of the world).

It’s not like you’re going to be sharing a bathroom your extended family.

I would jump at this chance, no question. For all the (undoubtedly level-headed) nay-sayers on here - what is the worst that could happen, financially? You all have to sell up and take your portion, having had many idyllic years living there? No contest! Please say you're going to do it!!

Ok so this is the worst thing that can happen-

One of the three of you wants to move;
The others have spent time and money on their houses and can’t afford to buy the other out;
The three parties begrudgingly decide to sell but won’t agree on what proportion of the property each one owns. Brother now has a wife/ girlfriend and child on the way and she wants a nice house for her own family;
Party who wants to sell instructs solicitors because he thinks the other two are being deliberately difficult about the sale because they don’t want to sell;
Other two parties also instruct solicitors;
Family have massive row with party who is wanting to leave bring accused of selfishly ruining other parties’ lives/ retirement;
Party who wants to sell decides to rent property out and move away because he hates living in acrimony;
Nightmare tenants who are a nuisance/ property falls into disrepair/ refuse to move out;
Other parties have to spend more money evicting tenant and can’t afford to maintain their own property;
One parent becomes seriously ill and needs care. Council demand house is now sold to fund care home fees at a massive undervalue because of falling into disrepair;
All parties are now worse off and family no longer speak to each other.

Sorry but you did ask….

It sounds lovely. Id only do it if we had a family meeting and legal advice to consider all possible scenarios.

Things like
What happens if you divorce. You may feel that's not possible for you, but most couples feel that way and some of them still end up divorced.

What happens if your brother married

What happens if someone dies. What if you died and your husband married again, for example.

What happens if your parents need more care than you can provide at some point and need to go into a home

These and many other scenarios.

I think, ironically, the thing which would make this living arrangement viable is also the thing which could potentially make it awful!

So, the only way I would even consider the idea is if the deeds to each property can be separated so that each party has their home in their own name and the freedom to sell when they want.

And this is where the potential risk comes in. This is a farmhouse and 2 cottages down a shared private driveway. How would you feel if at some point your parents or brother sold up and you had new neighbours, who might be great but might not be? In my view there’s a world of difference between having a neighbour you might not particularly get on with who lives along the road and is just one of many neighbours, and a neighbour you don’t get on with in the set up you describe, where you’re almost your own little community.

The long driveway could potentially be a hassle too…. Presumably as it’s all one property currently, the owner has responsibility for maintaining it. This becomes trickier if the properties are separated by deed, perhaps not so much if it’s just your family members and you agree to pay one third each, but if someone new moved in.

Ultimately that’s the drawback for me. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea unless all 3 properties were separated so you each have control over selling/ moving away/ renting out. But the necessary separation of the properties also brings potential pitfalls.

I can see that as you’re married, thinking of having kids (and therefore thinking it’ll be handy to have grandparents on the spot!) you’re potentially the most ‘settled’ of the 3 parties. But your parents may get infirm, or ill and decide an old farmhouse is no longer suitable. And most of all, the 26 year old brother is at a stage where anything could happen… he may want to rent out his property for periods of time, he may hook up with a partner who doesn’t want to settle in this particular spot…

Lots to think about. And as i said earlier, I wouldn’t make a big life decision while your mental health is all over the place. You need to consider all angles quite objectively.

Lots of excellent points here requiring very careful examination.

Just thinking about work, key points I would make
(a) one day a week in London from Devon is a very long way. Expensive and tiring.
(b) even if (a) is doable are you due that there isn’t going to be pressure to start doing more days a week in the office? Lots of people are getting burnt on that who moved way out in Covid and now companies are expecting 3-4-5 days a week in person.
(c) even if (a) is doable and (b) holds, if you want to need to move jobs you may find your options (and pay) extremely curtailed compared to being easy commute to London. Think carefully about this.

Most people agree it sounds idyllic but look at every worst case scenario and make sure things are in place to mitigate these.

Please don’t just go in blindly assuming everything will work out. It might for a while but then what?

Seconding this comment about elderly parents and care @Bourte.You’ve also said you’d be happy to ‘help out’ your parents by making meals etc, but it can be a lot more than that - will you be able to spend half a day every few weeks taking one of your parents to a hospital appointment, for example ( my PIL seem to have appointments every other week at the moment)? That’s half a day of leave, or working in the evening to catch up, and how will that feel when you’ve got young children and need to use leave for school holidays. A lot of the day to day care stuff takes up lots of time and mental energy, which can be stressful - you’re the one who has to arrange for the cleaner/ housekeeper/ gardener/ household maintenance for your parents, make sure they’re doing their jobs correctly, sort out payment etc… sounds trivial but it all adds up.

Lots of people have pointed out the potential legal issues regarding care costs , what happens if one of you wants to sell up in the future, your commute and how many days you need to be in the office, local employment prospects. I notice you haven’t mentioned anything about your DH’s job and commute?

I’d also agree that if your mental health is feeling unsettled at the moment, it’s probably not the best time to be making drastic decisions.

This was also a bit of an alarm bell! It could potentially be a massive help, if the parents are willing and able to help out. But say they get ill or infirm (or on the other hand if they stay super fit and independent and have busy lives, holidays etc) what will you do for regular childcare, especially with a commute to London weekly? If you’re planning to try for a family it would be essential to check out childcare options in the area, which are likely to be far more limited than those in the London area.