I’ve already responded to a similar criticism of my post (on page 3) so suggest you look at that. But in essence, you’re misunderstanding what I’m saying, which is actually about trying to understand why people behave and react in certain ways and then using that as a means to continue communications. It’s about coming at a disagreement from the point of view that these things should be dealt with as two people with feelings and emotions and, even (shock horror on this thread, I know, possibly valid albeit different opinions).
My point is, as my post said, that it’s unlikely that the OPs husband is really reacting badly to the possibility of having to miss his game, I rather suspect that it is actually to the (overt or subtle) insinuation that he is not capable of making a valid decision about how to provide good and safe parenting to his child. So when I say ‘ego massaging’ is was (possibly poor) shorthand for saying that in order to take the conversation forwards to a productive outcome and to have a proper adult conversation, the OP should probably recognise how her comments and way of dealing with the situation up until this point may have inadvertently hurt her husband.
It’s got nothing to do with treating men in a particular way, it has everything do do with how we interact with others - it works for friends, colleagues, strangers and our own children - and that when someone responds in a certain way, angry or hurt or whatever, it’s often helpful to step back for a moment, wonder why that might be, apologise if what you’ve said previously has caused upset and it wasn’t your intention (ego massaging) and then continue the conversation from there.
It amazes me on Mums Net how many people seem to run their relationships like constant small wars of attrition. No trust, no space for - or value of - other points of view, no actual real communication, and I’m really not sure where the space for love and friendship fits. It seems like some people live their lives in a relationship constantly in a state of angry defence, believing that their partner is clearly out to do them and their children harm, to be sly and cheat and try to get away with doing absolutely nothing in the way of decent grown up family responsibility. And the only way to deal with that is to be constantly suspicious and always ready for battle and to catch them out. It must be like walking through a tiger cage. It must be completely exhausting!!
My partner and I come at things first and foremost from a point of respect and trust. We have conversations, we don’t always agree and sometimes we argue. But we don’t play the blame game. We understand that difference is a good thing that can lead to even better things. And fundamentally that a relationship is about creating the most wonderful sort of team: a family. And teams require work, respect and conversation.
On this particular issue, would I think it a good idea to take my three year old to a basketball game that I was playing in? Probably not, no. Would I forbid my partner from doing it? No. No I wouldn’t, because I trust my partner and know that they are a wonderful parent for all that we might sometimes disagree about certain ways of doing it. It’s called respect and it’s a wonderful place to start a basis for your relationship.