Husband canceling his game

[Springsunshine28]

My husband has a basketball game tomorrow, and since I’ll be working, he planned to take our 3-year-old daughter with him. He told me that two of the wives of his teammates—who I’ve met before and who know our daughter—would be there to keep an eye on her while he plays.
However, I messaged both of them and found out they won’t actually be there. I told my husband that I’m not comfortable with him taking her without someone I trust to watch her while he's on the court. He got a bit annoyed and said I clearly don’t trust him. He says she’ll just stay strapped in her pram and will be fine.
But I’m really not okay with that—she’s only 3, and I don’t think it’s safe or fair for her to be left like that with no one actively watching her. He’s now saying he’ll cancel, but I can tell he’s upset about it.
Just wondering—am I being unreasonable here?

@Springsunshine28 i cant see a 3 year old even wanting to be in a pushchair/buggy in the first place! they are too old for that!

There's a reason why so many men find parenting a doddle, and wonder what we women "do all day", because when they parent, they stick 'em in a buggy or a playpen and ignore them whilst they do their own thing, play Xbox, on their phone, fucking basketball. For fuck sake, those balls can go flying and could break her bloody nose.

Your husband's a lying, lazy, selfish idiot.

Either he's keeping an eye on her properly in which case there's no point in him playing or he's not, in which case he's asking for trouble! I have a 3 year old and there is absolutely no way I would even rely on her sitting in a pushchair for any length of time, let alone unsupervised.

Another depressing thread where you wonder why men have children.

This. That is usually the case that is why he is very confident in taking her without me and the other wives. It's just that I don't know the people who will be there to supervise so I didn't allow him to go to the game this time.

you are working.

he either sorts out proper childcare

or he doesn't play basketball

he cannot play and expect / hope / assume other people will look out for / look after his child

he is the parent...

What are you worried may happen? I can’t imagine an eventuality where a dad would play sport leaving their 3yo completely unattended.. and in general all toddlers need is a bit of direction and attention.

im not sure why he lied about certain wives watching (maybe for ease?) - the lying is definitely not okay and should be addressed. But in general - him wanting to play whilst taking them doesn’t scream bad to me.. do any of the other team mates have kids / partners watching?

I did. I am very calmly talking to him so he will understand where I am coming from and yes I think he is now saying that he does understand and he is OK not going. But he still seems a bit upset.

So is she going to be sleeping throughout the game? Or will she have toys to play with.? How is she going to feel sat there by herself with no mum or dad sat near her. Will she be frightened? Will she be upset? Do either of you care?

Yeah you're not being unreasonable. Just assuming that there would be other people there who will keep an eye really isn't in any way acceptable childcare.

I am worried that while he is playing my little girl will be upset and cry and random people that she doesn't know will come and make her feel better but knowing my daughter she is usually very not trusting with people that she is not familiar with and she will be very anxious. The other thing I'm worried about is she may ask for a potty and random person will take her to the toilet while my husband is playing. So that really.

She will be upset and anxious that is why I told my husband not to come to the game so yeah I am concerned.

Stick to your gut it’s 1 game if he was ill or on holiday he would miss it but this is on another level I can’t believe he was considering to leave her especially at 3.

Work comes first, that’s what pays the bills.

he needs to drop out of the game as he doesn’t have a babysitter . What he is suggesting is irresponsible.

He might be upset but as a grown man I'd expect him to suck it up and get over it.

If it's that important he can still go to game, not play, and watch from the sidelines with your 3yr old.

There are different aspects to this. You’ve already solved the first, which is that he wasn’t lying when he said there would be two other players wives there, even though that’s no longer the case.

The second issue is whether he should have cancelled once he knew you were unavailable to look after your child (though not sure whether this was a change in plans or if that had always been the case and he booked knowing he’d have to go with child in tow). This point rather comes down to whether your husband believes that he can do both things: he does. It’s not like he’s trying to pull out of looking after his child or asking you not to work so he can play his game.

The third issue is not about whether a going to play in a basketball game is a safe thing to do - after all others have pointed out that it’s (presumably indoors) and there will be lots of people around - it’s about whether you trust your husband to put the safety of his children above all else. One rather hopes you do. You chose this man as the father of your child and so presumably you trust him to look after your child without you there? Now there are mothers and fathers out there who clearly don’t trust or respect their partners as parents. Those constantly telling them what they are doing wrong and panicking every time they do something that they see as slightly dangerous. ‘Why are you letting him on the climbing frame?’ ‘You need to use two hands to help her walk down the stairs’ etc., etc. The trouble is that that sort of thing is incredibly controlling, it lacks in any respect for the partner and builds resentment, knocks confidence and ultimately also affects the children who grow up terrified of doing anything remotely ‘risky’.

The question shouldn’t be should I stop my husband from taking my child to his basketball game, it should be do I trust my husband to be a decent father? If you do, then give him the respect to let him make choices about how he manages his parental responsibilities.

I understand. I think he really feels like he can watch her closely even during playing but I know for a fact that he will not glue his eye for the duration of the game. And he is annoyed that I don't trust him that she will be OK.

I think a good chat - without accusations or assumptions on either side - is what’s needed. Not starting by saying that you don’t want him to go, don’t trust him to provide care to you child and think he’s being selfish, but starting by saying that you absolutely understand that he wants to do this and he feels it is safe, but that you have some worries and they are (x,y,z) and can he set your mind at ease on them? That way it’s about working as a team to solve an issue (and it may well be that the solution is he shouldn’t go) rather than knocking heads. The more you push against it, the more likely he will push his heals in.

Thank you. Yes we had a proper chat and trying to be calm and not putting heads. He still gives me a cold shoulder which is triggering me but I am trying to be diplomatic on this conversation.

I will never understand why these idiotic men choose to have families. Never.

What an absolute breadbin of a man.

The safety and wellbeing of your 3 year old child comes first OP. Not the boo-hoo 'upset' of a grown ass man who is clueless and selfish 🥴

This. It is not the Olympics so DH can always leave the court, if need be.
And suggest that he texts around his team mates and asks if any of their older kids, or girlfriends, would like to be paid to entertain 3 year old in her pram beside the court, for cash.

Wonderful. Hopefully it’ll work out well. Last thing is that’s it’s probably important to step back and think about why he’s giving you the cold shoulder and being difficult. I doubt it’s really about the basketball game, it’s that he’s reacting to the (voiced or perhaps only inferred) accusation that he doesn’t take the wellbeing of his child seriously and cannot be trusted to make his own decision. We all sometimes react badly to being told that what we’re doing isn’t good enough (especially if it’s true!). Unfortunately, the only way to get past that sometimes is to do a bit of ego massaging: ‘of course I didn’t mean to imply… you’re a wonderful father… it’s probably me, but…’

Oh that's such a good advice. I will speak again to him tomorrow after my longday at work and hopefully he is ready for that ego massage 💆‍♂️ 😁

He can't play basketball properly and watch your child properly, it's that simple. She cannot just be left strapped in a pushchair for an entire game, he's being ridiculous.

And I will never fully understand why people come on here raising a genuine concern- especially when it’s about husbands - as they then open themselves up to a torrent of vitriol thrown at their husbands.
it is absolutely possible that a couple might have an issue or disagree about something without the answer being that one of them is a dreadful person.
Why do so many on here feel the need to (mostly) ignore the actual issue and certainly crush down any nuance and bash the partner as idiotic, as a ‘breadbin of a man’, as a ‘boo-hoo 'upset' of a grown ass man who is clueless and selfish’, etc.???
Do people not appreciate that these are people in a relationship? Who love and respect their partners and the families they’ve built together and do need to read 500 posts telling them that actually their husbands are useless, hideous, creatures who would probably be better off out of their lives?