Husband canceling his game

[Springsunshine28]

My husband has a basketball game tomorrow, and since I’ll be working, he planned to take our 3-year-old daughter with him. He told me that two of the wives of his teammates—who I’ve met before and who know our daughter—would be there to keep an eye on her while he plays.
However, I messaged both of them and found out they won’t actually be there. I told my husband that I’m not comfortable with him taking her without someone I trust to watch her while he's on the court. He got a bit annoyed and said I clearly don’t trust him. He says she’ll just stay strapped in her pram and will be fine.
But I’m really not okay with that—she’s only 3, and I don’t think it’s safe or fair for her to be left like that with no one actively watching her. He’s now saying he’ll cancel, but I can tell he’s upset about it.
Just wondering—am I being unreasonable here?

She's three. Of course she needs full supervision. It's also not fair to ask her to sit in the pushchair on the sidelines by herself all that time. He can't play a game and keep a full eye on a child at the same time.

It's also not fair of him to expect the other women to take care of his daughter. If I went to watch my DH's game, I wouldn't want a child foisted on me.

Being a parent means we can't always do what we want. You're working, so he's taking care of his child. If this is a regular situation then maybe you need to look into a paid babysitter to cover this time so he can have his game and you can go to work.

3 is way way too old to be sat in a buggy with nobody engaging with them or truly watching them for what 2 hours? On the other hand it's way too young for her to be allowed to run free especially if dad is distracted by a sports game. Sorry dad but you either need to drop out or find alternative childcare. This isn't fair or safe on the child. Do you guys have any sort of interactive calender that you can both see and add commitments to? My DH and I just use our android phone calenders and it's really useful l. I sometimes work weekends and DH has a hobby he does at weekends. There is never any question though that working trumps hobbies and that if there's a timetable clash HE needs to sort it. That's how genuine partnership parenting works surely

Unfortunately, the only way to get past that sometimes is to do a bit of ego massaging: ‘of course I didn’t mean to imply… you’re a wonderful father… it’s probably me, but…’

People really do this? Massage his ego because he can’t get to play one game of basketball because his wife is working? This is madness. He’s an adult who has a child and shit happens all the time that plans need to change, it’s called being an adult and parenting. I’m gobsmacked that people massage egos like this.

OP he can’t leave a 3 year old in pushchair while he’s playing and it’s really cheeky to expect others to watch his child simply because he wants to play sport. Missing one game won’t kill him and if this was my DH he’d be reminded he’s an adult with responsibilities, I certainly wouldn’t be massaging his ego.

Usually it's done as a way to trap a woman into supporting their lifestyle (running the household, cooking for them, the additional income) whilst they expect to not even do the bare minimum with little interruption to their free time. They know it will be a much harder choice for the woman to leave once a child is involved.

I think your dh is winning moron of the week here.
he can’t play a highly active sport whilst watching a three year old, so his solution is to strap her in a buggy and carry on when she will obviously get distressed and need a wee/drink/hug.
jeez.

It’s not about massaging egos, it’s about trying to understand why people behave and react in certain ways.

Perhaps I used a silly shorthand that didn’t justify my point. I meant by massaging the ego, it’s about understanding that he may be upset about something deeper than his wife not wanting him to go to a basketball game, he may really be thinking, ‘my wife doesn’t trust me to be a good father’.

It’s not about massaging egos to make one person feel good about themselves, it’s about understanding why they react. It’s also not about rights and wrongs, it’s about trying as best as we can to understand differences in all things and that people hear things/ interpret things differently in situations.

In relationships, with children, at work, with friends and in all manner of situations, disagreements and resentments happen. Now, you can stick in your heels and keep pushing at the problem, but it rarely helps, or you can take a breath and think about the issue and what the other person is doing, how they are reacting and think about why they might be doing it.

A child might get angry and break a toy. It’s unlikely they broke it because breaking it was their aim. Now absolutely, you might first get angry with them, but if that’s the only response it leads nowhere, except perhaps an angrier and upset child. But if you ask them why they broke the toy, well then you’re engaging with them. And they may respond and they may learn something and you may learn something, and you might come to something positive out of the mess.

The OP is now in a position where she has to manage her husband's negative emotions towards her because she's rightfully voiced her valid concerns (and he can't handle it, it highlights his inadequacies). And she still has the safety of a 3 year old to think about - because the other parent can't be relied upon to ensure his child's safety, because his needs and wants should come first.

It's 2025. Men need to do SO MUCH BETTER.

What’s scary and upsetting is a parent should have a very, very strong urge to protect their tiny child, especially at such a young age - and he just doesn’t have it.

What he’s said is “yeah it’ll probably ok, maybe, I guess” with a shrug. He doesn’t care enough about his own child. It’s shocking and he should be ashamed.

‘because the other parent can’t be relied upon to ensure his child’s safety…’ In your opinion.

Gosh but there’s an awful lot of righteous certainty on here.

Yes, this is my opinion: a 3 year old needs a parent to be with them when in a public space.

Well, if he's really thinking 'my wife doesn't trust me to be a good father', there's nothing wrong with him thinking that. A good father doesn't park a three year old in a buggy for the duration of a game, making her vulnerable, possibly on her own if she gets distressed, potentially hit by a stray ball. So no, he's not a good father if that's the sort of thing he does on the regular.

He's also not a good team mate if he plays the game with the amount of distraction supervising his daughter well would take.

Of course they do.

Yup. And who leaves a 3 year old strapped in a (stationary) pram for any length of time? Mine would go absolutely bonkers.

And it’s a completely fine opinion. I’m not sure that it is the only opinion or necessarily the right opinion (though he will actually be there…).

I’ve no issue with your opinion. My issue is your furious certainty that says that if someone doesn’t agree with me they must be a useless article worthy of mine and everyone’s scorn and fury. I’ve always thought that living in such certainty must make our complex and varied world a dreadfully lonely place to exist.

I would be amazed if this behaviour by the husband is not symptomatic of more selfishness. The fact that his 3 year olds safety is playing second fiddle to his desire to play a game, and let's not forget the context - the OP is working - does she need the stress of what will happen to her child when she is not there because she is at work? It just boggles my mind, to be candid.

Personally, I do not hold the view that men with this level of selfishness are not also leaking out their selfishness in other ways in a relationship or marriage. I find the husband's reaction to be extremely telling; we need to stop pandering to these men and their moods when they are pulled up on their incredibly poor behaviour. I used to make excuses but I don't anymore.

I think it actually is the only opinion and also the legal view. I think as a society we universally expect 3 yos to be supervised by a capable adult or teen in public spaces. He wouldn’t be supervising.

I disagree with most opinions on here. She can sit at edge of court in buggy or toddle about.

kids have always been toted about with parents doing stuff that doesn’t directly involve them. It is life.

it is great your husband has active life and willing to take the babe with him.

if you disagree could you get a friend to watch her?

Are you kidding? 3yos can run anywhere. Mine would. All of them at that age.

What a fucking idiot he is.

Indeed. Sounds like he has taken several basketballs to the head if you ask me as he clearly isn't thinking right.

I am actually really surprised at the negative reactions on here. I think taking her along is goood role modelling and she will likely be entertained by the game and learn a lot.

it is more interesting than all day on a riverbank watching fish not get caught.

Probably less dangerous than on a riverbank without appropriate parental supervision. Nothing wrong with taking her to the game per se but she needs someone to watch her. And she might get bored after five minutes and need to run around outside or cry or run onto the court to be with her dad. It's not fair on the other spectators and ridiculously unfair on his daughter and wife, who is just wanting to go to work without worrying about what this feckless idiot is going to do with their daughter.

It’s the right call but of course he’s going to be disappointed, that’s normal.

If any of my friends and I saw a 3 year old strapped in a stroller alone with no adult watching them at a sport event, we'd be involving security.

As a father, he has a duty of care to his child. A reasonable person would not do this. It would be negligent parenting.

I understand you’re trying to help OP achieve a peaceful outcome but for too long women have been told to apologise for asserting themselves and for having an opinion.

You said:

”Unfortunately, the only way to get past that sometimes is to do a bit of ego massaging: ‘of course I didn’t mean to imply… you’re a wonderful father… it’s probably me, but…’”

OP should absolutely NOT be suggesting that it’s her fault or apologising for what she inferred.

He has been incredibly selfish in this instance because he wants to play basketball.

He’s suggesting he plays basketball but also watches his 3-yr-old daughter. That’s just ridiculous.

Even ignoring the safety aspect, if he’s running off the court every five minutes his team mates will be pretty pissed off. A three-year-old is unlikely to want to sit in a pushchair for long, and there’s a good chance she’ll be wriggling and trying to get out, crying, shouting, etc. And what about if she needs the toilet - how’s he going to know if he’s on court?! And then what, he’s going to take her? That’s going to be at least 10 minutes minimum off the court.

He hasn’t thought about this, and he hasn’t thought about the child.

And he certainly hasn’t thought about fellow spectators who are going to end up trying to deal with a frustrated little girl, when they only went there to watch the game!

It’s selfish in the extreme.

If there are other parents/partners there watching the game who you can ask in advance to watch the child, then absolutely fine.

But there’s no way he’s going to be able to watch his daughter AND play basketball. What happens when play is down the opposite end of the court?! He’s been selfish and thoughtless.

And then even worse, he’s being shitty to OP because she’s had the audacity to point out this is unworkable.

Sometimes things are 50/50 but in this occasion he’s been a dick. Fine if he can sort out someone to watch DD while he plays, but if not, he can’t play.

OP shouldn’t be “massaging his ego” nor insinuating that she’s wrong. He needs to understand that sometimes it’s shit but the child’s needs have to come first.