Things only frequently heard on Mumsnet (lighthearted)

[Deathofaunicorn]

Just thinking of things people have posted that I've heard countless times!

Everyone's friends in their social circle didn't have their first baby until the age of 42/43.

Their Grandma had her last baby at the age of 48.

Night of passion with their dp within 6 seconds of meeting, they moved in that night and never left and now they're celebrating 75 years of marriage.

Grandma who smoked 200 cigarettes a day, used chip fat on their face and had beautiful, line free skin at the age of 120.

DP has a hobby which means they're out most evenings and every weekend. Has a female colleague 25 years younger who he has a mutual attraction with and they text each other all day long.

Their DD/DS is 6'7, model looks, eats 10 packs of lard a day yet doesn't gain an ounce.

Has anyone else seen things like this frequently posted?

The very high earners have always 'worked and slogged their guts off' to get there.
The rest of us just don't work hard enough, I guess. 🤔

Yes!

Very funny 😁

We had “fewmin” once, when someone’s dc accidentally watched Jaws.

Haven’t seen any of these.

It might be netball. Not many men play netball, and some might not want everyone to know they play a “girls’ sport”, or that they play it just to have girls get up close to them.

(Actually, neither of those are true: male netballers are usually proud of it, and it’s the men who tend to flatten themselves against each other.)

I do assume that the profile of posters must trend wealthier / more middle class than the norm. One thing I do see a lot is women in not good partnerships on their 30s being encourage to seek sperm donors. That seems quote common.

Really?! I hear it all the time!

There are no windows by my front door 😀

Where do we begin?

Nobody wears shoes in my house, not even my cleaner.
Nobody uses my toilet but me, not my DH, and certainly not workmen. They have to go to McDonalds.
I hate dogs, and (strongly implied) you should too.
I hate cats that are not kept indoors, because they shit in my garden.
Why did you have children with this man?
Why didn't you just google, rather than asking strangers on the internet?
AIBU not to answer my doorbell?
AIBU that the delivery driver bangs really hard on the door and wakes the baby, instead of ringing the bell?
I loved the lockdowns. (Very much only on MN, I don't know a single person in real life who did.)

Nobody has a toilet brush

She only has one wrinkle, and she's sitting on it.

There was a hilarious thread where a woman who was 60 insisted that she was mistaken for someone in her 20s! There followed other wild claims. Very entertaining.

As well as being attractive they all have doctorates, and their Dc all get straight 9s and A stars.

There is something wrong with you if you a) don't have a cleaner,and b) you can't/don't drive.

Oh and their sons are all 6 foot.

Where are all these 6 foot, highly attractive doctoral/ A star qualified specimens hiding IRL? Because just one of those things is Not Enough to make them genetically a MNer

‘No good deed goes unpunished’. Not only had I never heard it before, it also nicely sums up the classic MN mean-spiritedness. Love it

Not frequent but the most “only on Mumsnet” thing I’ve read was a recent one - someone saying they were a silicone wedding ring because they’ve got a toddler

There's a lot of riot act reading

Mum works full time, earning a six figure salary, pays all the bills, cleans the house before she leaves for work, ( where everyone forgets it’s her birthday, even though she’s always contributing to theirs) comes home at 7pm, cooks nutritious meals from scratch, deep cleans the bathroom before bed after cleaning and shopping for her ungrateful in laws! All this on top of having three children with adhd, a good for nothing husband who has been cheating, a dog who bites everyone and poos on the white settee, an incontinent cat, and a neighbour who has noisy sex and parks in front of their house; the poor family is only having four holidays this year, and Mum is worried that her cream dress with a thigh high split might not be suitable for the wedding of her DP’s ex which she doesn’t want to go to, but DP does!
It’s a hard life being a mumsnetter!

Neighbours are BILs are always CFs

SIl never works

School gates drama with a mum after a play date

Had my hair done and it was £800 more expensive than last time

Nailed it 😁😁😁😁😁

Yes, I saw that! Never heard of it before.

Somebody ‘being an arse’. Have you ever heard that said IRL?

Posters who easily conceived their first at 47 and had a wonderful home birth under the full moon.

Everyone’s child is ‘over the 99th centile’ (no idea what centile my kids are on, they’re in age appropriate clothes so I guess they’re fine)

Husbands who have NEVER glanced at a woman in public, find mildly sexual jokes HIDEOUSLY unfunny and have NEVER watched porn because it’s degrading… apparently 😳

Every child playing up is neurodiverse. Everyone playing up over the age of 30 is perimenopausal. Everyone playing up over the age of 50 has dementia.

Everyone skipped out of the maternity hospital with their 6 hour old baby to do the school run as they ‘just got on with things’

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂