Things only frequently heard on Mumsnet (lighthearted)

[Deathofaunicorn]

Just thinking of things people have posted that I've heard countless times!

Everyone's friends in their social circle didn't have their first baby until the age of 42/43.

Their Grandma had her last baby at the age of 48.

Night of passion with their dp within 6 seconds of meeting, they moved in that night and never left and now they're celebrating 75 years of marriage.

Grandma who smoked 200 cigarettes a day, used chip fat on their face and had beautiful, line free skin at the age of 120.

DP has a hobby which means they're out most evenings and every weekend. Has a female colleague 25 years younger who he has a mutual attraction with and they text each other all day long.

Their DD/DS is 6'7, model looks, eats 10 packs of lard a day yet doesn't gain an ounce.

Has anyone else seen things like this frequently posted?

"My DS teacher gave him a slightly stern look in class today because he was disrupting the class." I am outraged and fuming, aibu to request a meeting with the head?"

No, you're FUMMING.

There are quite a few fummers.

I suspect what they are hoping for is: "Shimmering hazel with majestic flecks of pure gold, that transcend into a tapestry of emerald green light in direct sunlight"

What they get is: "they're brown".

Surely you would demand a meeting, not request.

I haven't seen the eyes ones. They sound as boring as the sex ones. It's either a boy or a girl with either (a variation of) brown or (a variation of) blue eyes.

It’s golf. It’s always golf. Which in the real world no one calls a hobby. You just go and play golf.

I remember a similar covid era thread about cucumber. One lady had bought 3 cucumbers and was told how appalling that was. If that had been me, my response would have been "sorry but my guinea pigs don't understand about pandemics, to them fresh veggies are an essential."

I also remember the " you don't need milk, you can use cheese in your coffee" one. Did anyone really susbstitute milk for cheese?

Which ironically would make them neurotypical!

And what they say is never kind nor gentle!

“The car” and “the garden”. Maybe it’s because I live in London, where it’s not unusual to have neither, but it drives me mad how many posters will advise “Just pack up the car and go NOW!” or “Stick the kids out in the garden for a bit”, having no conception that the OP might possibly not have access to these things.

Again, maybe it’s a London thing, but I find it bizarre how a flat rather than a house is seen as a sign of poverty by so many MNers. My two-bedroom flat is worth more than my parents’ three-bedroom house!

Your child is 18, why have you not kicked them out?

People wearing “crisp white shirts”. In real life we all know they’re creased and/or grubby within an hour of putting them on and we’re all choosing something a bit more forgiving.

Every class in every school has a clique of Mums at the school drop off/pick up. They blank you or turn their back to you when you say hello. You’re either in a clique or you don’t acknowledge anyone, at all!

I first heard it on The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon was upset at Will Wheaton, Will wasn't bothered about it and told Sheldon that he (Will) was living rent-free in his (Sheldon's) head.

It's a way of gloating that someone is much more bothered by you than you are about them.

You have an aggressive dog that’s bitten three of your relatives. Should it be pts?
Some will say you are cruel and should never own a dog if you don’t prioritise it over your family and friends.
You hang your smalls on the line and your neighbour is offended. AYBU to keep doing so?

Every child free wedding is purely for the 'gram !!
Mother in laws are the devil !!!

If you haven't kicked them out make sure that they pay you a market rent as if they were a stranger lodging with you, and not your own child.

My child has full scholarship offers from Eton, Harrow and Rugby which one should I choose.

I earn 50 million a year but will now give up my job and live on benefits because of VAT on school fees. Well done labour now you won’t get any tax from me!

My child will go to the top rated grammar school in the country now instead of our local private school because of Labour. So someone poor will now not get a place there. Well done Labour.

I earn 10 grand a year. Can I get a busury for private school and send dc.

Of the families I know either they are so rich the Vat is not an issue or like me they don’t even consider private school as it was too expensive even before VAT. Most families in real life use state school. But on mn it seems most go private looking at all the comments and threads.

Everyone who shares a photo of themselves saying they hate how they look is always absolutely gorgeous.

So true, @Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman .
Those threads are something else. I couldn't believe the Eton thread, I thought it was a parody.

when someone is struggling for money! Then the answer is obviously to spend thousands moving house, either downsizing or to a different part of the country.

My partner didn't post about me on social media! Not once in real life have I heard an adult whinge about this

Any poster who asks for advice about a possible move to Scotland is told they will not be able to cope with the constant darkness and sub zero temperatures. Not to mention the savages who live there.

DP has a hobby which means they're out most evenings and every weekend.

@Deathofaunicorn you missed out "which can't be posted as it is too identifying".

Because there aren't millions of men who play football, go cycling or train for triathlons/marathons!!

There was a thread where a poster asked people who were earning £100k+ what they did, how long it took them, what degree they did. Lots of posters responded, with a very large proportion of them all saying they'd had a baby at 14/15/16, were homeless, hadn't finished school but "just worked my guts off" and they ended up being high earners. I don't know anyone IRL in that situation.

Highly improbable!