To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

Quite. My mum worked full time when I was young and so I was in out the family home between 7.30am-6pm every day (she had to work and I don’t feel any resentment towards her at all about it).

Although the situation couldn’t be avoided I felt sad about it because as much as I loved my childminder, she wasn’t my mum. I hate the fact that the huge majority of my memories are about the fun times I had with my childminder instead of having memories of being with my mum.

My husband was also bought up in a similar environment and so we always knew we didn’t want the same for our children.

In terms of?

what is better? How is that defined.

earn more? Better health? More qualifications? Has that been adjusted for socioeconomic status?

Why do you parent equally then if a mother is most needed?

This is what always out me off, because I thought if that person is busy then suddenly the other person has their kids, and the other person's kids. Toddlers at nurseries have fun, but the baby rooms are always depressing. And there's always at least one miserable sick kid.

From what I remember, they usually do better at school, get better jobs etc (so broadly socio-economically). And once there are more than 4 children then the fifth consistly is worse off (although that doesn't really seem surprising)

Not sure if that’s for me?

my bills include school wrap and 4 days for a 3 yr old with 30hrs funding.

they are term time only, so it can be less, April for instance was like £280 (before tf)

we do occasionally put them in holiday club normally just for a few weeks over summer as we don’t have quite enough annual leave to cover it

Adjusted for socio economic status and parental age? As well as ethnicity, religion etc? Basically after all other variables have been adjusted for inc parenting style

I grew up with a SAHM and knew that if I had children, I'd never be a SAHM.

I think sometimes children will grow up and do the opposite of what their parents did. 😂

I guess that's the thing, there's too many variables to ever know what is 'best', but we can use our common sense and logic to intrinsically know what's good and what's not as good.

Anecdotally same here.

my mother ran a small business from home and clearly was resentful of being a mother and being around me all the time, especially as I got older, she became incredibly abusive and what she gave up was often held over me

But it isn't about "work" Is it? I work too. I have a qualified job. But I refused to work full time because I did not or would not want to put my children into any type of childminding/nursery at a young age. It's nothing to do with working Vs not working.

Some people I guess crave and need "a break" . I personally don't. A day off (I'm part time as I say) whilst their at school is break enough for me.

We love having all of us together. The good and the bad. It's what I signed up for. Life was never meant to be "easy". I don't get how having a job and working =we're all of a hive mind and willing to sign our babies and young kids up to full time nurseries. It doesn't have to be that way.

Some people will claim they have to work full time. Some of these people will indeed have to work full time to make ends meet. But an awful lot will, simply because having a better lifestyle Is worth the sacrifice of seeing your kids less. Each to their own , but not for me thanks.

Haven't RTFT but whatever. Say what you want to feel less guilty but children always prefer time with a parent to any nursery. I know for most there's no choice but you've got a choice and believe me it's the wrong one. Spend time with your kids, they'll be 18 before you know it.

Well that’s the sticking point for me, how much of nursery is ‘bad’ for kids is rooted in the appeal to nature fallacy, and or rooted in the selfish woman trope (the demonisation of the unmaternal mother who prioritises the world over her children) often see that narrative pop up in those ‘red pill’ podcasts that seem to haunt my for you page on social media

No thanks, I won’t believe you, stranger on the internet. Instead I’ll make an informed decision on my life and my family and what works for me and us

😆

lol - the point is sailing wildly over your head! I hope in all that time with them you instilled the whole if you don’t have anything nice to say perhaps don’t say anything….

My children aren't babies or toddlers now. Babies and toddlers , more so babies need their mothers more. We can give 101 different examples of children without a biological mother around , but in an ideal world, a baby needs a mother.

@Kanfuzed123thanks, the nursery fees seem very low to me but I don’t believe I’m entitled to any special cuts (earning above £100k). I’m paying £876 per month for three days. Plus a nanny as I have 4 kids and am working full time . Is your nursery London based

Guilty?? Absolutely not - the main thing I'm worried about is a generation of women being knackered out trying to live up to this ideal of 'having it all' whilst it's still so imbalanced for women.

And then there's the kids of course; not all are suited to being punted out to whatever childcare is available to suit the F/T hours of 2 parents working, let alone the poor buggers with single parents striving to keep up with this economically-based ideal, often mothers, doubly knackered from the strain of it all.

No judgement from me to anyone who tries, but something, somewhere will often 'break' and the whole pack of cards can come tumbling down.

It is though because the premise of the argument is that children do better with their parents, so part time nursery would still fall into the ‘less good’ camp.

mine for instance have never done a full week prior to school age, they did 4 days as we work a 9 in 10, so have a day in lieu every other week.

a lot of roles are for an FTE, there isn’t the appetite there in a lot of cases for a 0.75 fte. I definitely wouldn’t have the job I have if I was part time (I’m not that special that they’d take me on any hours, I applied for a full time job so full time hours I must work)

So it's ok for men to put their careers first when they have babies or toddlers because they need their mothers more but women must always sacrifice either their earning potential, pension etc in going part time and in some industries, their career progession?

No wonder fewer women are deciding to have children. If that was my only option, I wouldn't have either.

That's right, working parents just shove their kids in any old place that will take them. 🙄

No I also don’t live in London, so that will contribute to the cost savings too. The nursery is also part of a primary school trust so I believe the trust status means it either has funding or has a different cost centre set up compared to a private one.

but you’ve been hit by a double whammy, you don’t have 30 funded hours, nor do you have tax free childcare. So straight out of the gate you’re paying the day rate and can’t save that 20% tax.

our take home is 125 but because it’s split down the middle between us, we’re fortunate we get the funded hrs, tf childcare and now child benefit again

Well yes ! Someone has to! We can't always have 'equality' all the time. It just doesn't work !!!

A mother carries and births a baby, a mother is biologically meant to nurture that baby. So In most families, it will naturally be the mother there will be the one to "sacrifice" career or put in on the back burner. That's life ! We can all pretend it doesn't make sense but it does. yes yes the career matters, but your baby matters more and it needs it's mother in formative years ! (Ideally) Yes ideally.

If nobody is willing to sacrifice their career (and yes, for "biological nurturing" reasons it'll usually naturally be the mother ) then..... Don't have children? If your career is so important you can't cruise it at a lower level for a few years, then is birthing a child and bringing it up something you really want ?

We live in a mad world where we can never state blunt realities without being gas lighted into thinking there's literally no difference between a mother and a father.

@Kanfuzed123similar here. My mum didn’t really work - just the odd bit of freelance here and there and I honestly felt like she would have liked more freedom instead of having to take us everywhere

@SouthLondonMum22 , you're taking my words from a defensive stance which is understandable but I say them as someone who did just that over 20 years ago; when I believed that 'equality' was really happening.

Thankfully, all the people I did 'punt' my ds out to were just fine - thank goodness as he was only 5 weeks old when I started doing so (single mum) as there weren't the 'maternity pay' benefits that exist as they do now.

It was far from ideal at the time and I punted my ds out to only childminders; not so sure I'd feel so confident doing the same thing with the 'nurseries' that many are expected to use today