To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

Going off topic, but these are really weird examples of SAHMs. If a SAHM doesn't want to be there, then obviously that's not a good thing for anyone.

Yes it was something i wanted

i wanted both.

the old saying is that it takes a village to raise a kid, the nursery is part of mine. Win-win

hope that helps

It works in my family. Everyone is happy and my children are thriving.

My children matter but my career matters too, I can and do have both. Just as my husband does.

Lower level in my industry would mean losing the flexibility I have in my senior role which I use to spend extra time with my children. It would be a lose lose situation in my case.

May be weird but they were our reality and I’m sure it is the reality of a good many kids, mums that are sort of compelled to stay home, sometimes due to spousal preference, or the cost of childcare, and I’m sure there’s a lot of women who feel trapped and want to be more and do more. Now will they become like my mum? God I hope not, but I’m part of a good few parenting groups and there’s a good number of sahms utterly burnt out and undervalued but feeling stuck because they’ve been out of work for X years

@Tbrhthanks, I’m not sure what you mean. I was making the point that not all experiences of having a Sahm are positive so for children such as myself (when I was a child I mean) I may have enjoyed being at a camp in the summer or at nursery etc rather than staying home. Maybe this experience is helpful for mums who have to work to know about.

Well yes of course, if your mum doesn't want to be at home with you then of course you're better off at nursery. I absolutely agree with that.

No baby would prefer to be in a nursery all day than with mum (or dad) - unless something serious is going on at home like abuse, or the mum is seriously depressed.

Families do have to make decisions 'in the round' - eg. If both incomes are needed, then having to use nurseries may well outweigh severe financial stress for everyone.

But still, barring abuse or severe poverty, long days in nursery settings are obviously not ideal, especially 5 days a week. Sorry, it's not. They are with staff more than parents in this scenario. I know nursery is convenient for some parents and essential for others, but let's not pretend it's what a baby would choose.

It's very intense being in the same nursery for long days, 5 days per week. It would be a long day for an adult - let alone a baby. They miss out on daily variety - like going to music or messy play groups some days with mum, friends over another day, time with pets, walks out and about, playing with their own toys, stories and singing with mum and generally exploring the world. All the little things basically, that might seem boring or insignificant to some people, but they're not. Maybe just staying home if they're tired or not too well. Doing all these varied things with someone who loves them, rather than it just being a job. And not being rushed out every morning.

I thank OP for bringing this to the fore; very few women actually have a choice about how they're going to raise their dc, at least in the birth to 'pre-school' years.

It depends on so many other things - their spouse/partner, if they have one as the df has a choice whether to stick around or not, the mother's job, the availability of childcare and where you live geographically as well-paid or even adequately-paid jobs aren't evenly distributed throughout the UK.

The worst thing that women can do right now is criticize other women for their so-called 'life choices' - it just shows a 'weakness' to the Tate-like brigade who will just continue to eat away at the strength of women just like they've done for centuries.

They are babies though, why would they get to decide? Just like toddlers or children in general don't get to make big family decisions that they wouldn't be able to begin to fully understand.

I feel like my babies have had plenty of variety in nursery, more than what they would've got at home with me anyway. The nursery workers are so creative and have thought of things I never would have.

They also go on walks out and about, experience messy play and have baby classes come to them such as baby massage. They come home and then can also play with their toys and have stories and singing with mum/dad.

They aren't rushed out every morning, why would they be? They go there 5 days a week so it is easy to have the routine down and everything ready the night before.

Zero guilt here. My son went to a fab nursery 8am-6pm, 4 days a week from when he was 10 months old. He was always happy and settled there, and it was the right balance for us. We were v lucky that it worked financially too, and that we had flex in both our jobs to juggle when needed. He's a sociable, adaptable, fab 10 yr old now - which maybe he'd have been regardless, but I definitely don't think it did him any harm at all.

...and one of his key workers from nursery picks him up from school for us one day a week, and I'd absolutely count as a friend.

One of my son's old keyworkers is now our first choice babysitter and good friend.

A baby doesn’t have the cognitive function to chose and if we really go down that avenue we can say things like , no baby would choose to sleep in a cot, they want to be on or near there parents. We know this is true but sleeping on the parent is dangerous, so despite this being the baby’s choice or preference we don’t do that (at night when we’re sleeping too).
most children also don’t want to go to school and would much rather be home educated or moreover chill and watch tele

@SquashedMallow

I personally don't know why people have children if they send them to nursery for lengthy hours the minute their off the breast/bottle.

Are you familiar with the concept of needing to provide for children? For needing to pay a mortgage or rent and put food on the table?

^to choose

also same can apply to breastfeeding, no baby would ‘choose’ to be bottlefed. Yet many women make that choice for them and their baby.

i don’t think we should fetishise the choice of an infant. therein lies some dark pro life rhetoric

There’s definitely research supporting the view that a baby/young toddler is best of being at home with mum however even without it, surely that’s just natural and common sense. You don’t need a phd to know that being in an institutional care and away from mum at such young age is not ideal. Regardless of all that, I would hate to hand my kids over to someone else to spend the majority of their waking hours with.

Agree with this - there’s plenty of things babies and young children would “choose” not to do, but we as the adults make the best decisions for them that we can at the time.

Personally I have to drag my two kicking and screaming out of nursery because they love it so much, so even with the choice I think they’d still want to go 😂

I find it odd when people say things like that like it’s a good thing. It’s a sign of insecure attachment , probably due to intense, early childcare.

„Babies in insecure-avoidant attachments seem indifferent to the mother, act unstressed when she leaves, and exhibit the same behaviors with a stranger. When the mother returns after a separation, the baby might avoid her, or might “fail to cling” when picked up.””

If you’re quoting cite your sources plz

Yet no one who is quoting this research can provide clear demonstrable evidence of what ‘best’ actually means.

anything that goes along the lines of ‘natural’ is the appeal to nature fallacy. There’s a lot of things that are natural that we don’t do and for good reason. We don’t live in hunter gathering societies anymore and those hunter gather society, childcare is shared also as is domestic labour and farming.

Cant get the link to work but it’s from research by Mary Ainsworth and Bowlby

I don't think 1:1 is better ,- it can be a set up for bullying. People who do best in the workplace have good social skills. Small groups can be better than big ones - although that can be overcome with great leadership.

Childcare is up there with sleep training for guaranteed divisive threads on MN.

All I can say is my DS certainly enjoys all the parties he gets invited to by his nursery chums.

Mine loved their nursery and had brilliant experiences there. What would I be feeling guilty about?

Read that research have you?

it was done in the 50s on children in foster care and long term hospitalisation