To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

Having read of serious cases of PND I think it is far better to place them in a nursery than they be at risk at home.

Ahh that really is very sad to hear. It’s completely up to you how you feed. My Mum never wanted to breastfeed, hospital really tried to push that on her and she resisted. I don’t think being formula fed from day 1 negatively affected me in any way. I am so disappointed that other Mums did that at a baby group.

I also found they could be awkward and disruptive to nap routines, etc. Again, an option, not a must. My Mum is more introverted and said they’d have been her worst nightmare! 😂

Mums have got to find their own unique way with all these things, so many different decisions to make. We have got to do better as a society to listen, understand and support all mothers.

Definitely the right decision for you, thank goodness things improved. Mental health is an extremely serious issue with potentially severe consequences for all involved. Really pleased you felt better.

Abandon? Where are you getting that from? I've not seen anyone ( nor known them IRL) that has abandoned their babies

And newborns are not just dependent on YOU. They are dependent on someone feeding clothing and keeping them clean. No law it says it has to be the mother

@HJA87

people are themselves though, at the very core. Some people may change really fundamentally when becoming a parent, many don’t. And neither is wrong.

A 3 month old baby will feel abandoned. They don’t understand you’re coming back for them. There are mum and baby units for people with PND where the focus is to help the mum and get the mum and baby bonding. Even in very severe cases of post natal psychosis, they do everything to keep baby and mum together as it’s so important. Ditching pretty much a newborn at nursery while you go back to work is not a good solution. That’s avoiding the issue instead of trying to fix it.

So what is the baby is with their dad? Like my DD did. Or is a dad looking after their child " abandoned" also? My eldest was in nursery at 3 months. She's sat next to me and tells me she's never felt abandoned due tomit.

Hi w the hell would you know what a 3 month baby could feel anyway? Not as though they can talk and tell you lol

Honestly it’s pointless to argue with someone who thinks babies in nursery at 3 months old is a good thing. Research is crystal clear on this. You can’t even take a puppy away from its mum until 12 weeks old.

Hmm my maternity leave was 16 weeks in total. What should I have done with my baby? Leave her at home alone?

You are sounding unrealistic and a bit holier than thou

Depends on the kid and the parents and the nursery. Wouldn't work for me or mine as we are autistic. Though I liked preschool. And can't remember disliking child care with an "aunt"

Seems lots of kids like it and if it works for you and yours no need to feel guilty. It's just as easy to feel guilty as a sahm for other stuff.

Well you could at least stop pretending it’s not harmful. Maternity leave is now 1 year because we know better these days. We don’t want to go back to it being 16 weeks.

DD is not harmed by it
And maternity leave May be a year in UK. Not in all of the world. So you are telling me that in every country with less maternity leave ALL kids have been harmed?

Btw you still have given me no solution as to what I SHOULDVE done with my baby at the time

You fast at avoid the actual question

Not all of that year is paid though. Three months is usually unpaid so many will go back before a year.

Even SMP isn't enough to keep you and pay a mortgage especially if you have no partner or a low earning one

I think in the early months with a baby, you just have to accept that you're now on their schedule and just go with it. It's just a few years. The people who struggled most were the ones who need everything timed and scheduled and "What is the purpose of this - what am I doing? What do I have to show for today ?' But once you let go of all that, you can relax into it and just enjoy it. Learn to live in the moment, essentially. Nobody suddenly starts loving nursery rhymes or whatever, but that's irrelevant because you're not doing it for yourself! You just have to get your head round the fact that some days, you might not get anything 'done' as such, but that's ok. If you are someone who is happy chatting along and singing to your baby, that's important too. This doesn't come naturally to everyone, and some people don't make much eye contact with their baby either because they don't really get the point. Those people often feel very lonely and isolated, but I think it's one of those things where the more you give, the more you get back and you just get into the mode of it. It's a massive life change for anyone. If you're a sociable person, that really helps as well and the child will mirror that as normal. Just have people over or go out, or go to their place.

Yes, USA springs to mind where everyone is on Xanas or similar.

I wouldn’t have a baby if I had to hand it over to strangers at 16 weeks old. You think it’s fine so I’m guessing you didn’t look at your options for staying home longer.

It was the bloody norm at the time. Best I was homeless as well eh? Sure that would be better. Or abort her?

You are being ridiculous now. And it's not just USA with short maternity leave btc. Many countries have none at all

It was absolutely the right decision.

Thanks.

Many people are at work though so who will you invite over? Don't bother with " other mums" as many people don't want to be putting up with or talking about other people's kids if they are struggling with their own

It is what it is, you can’t change that now. You’re deluding yourself when you say that it’s not harmful though.

So tell me how my daughter is harmed then clever clogs.

Would she be " less harmed" if we had been homeless?

Hmm, where do I start.

If you have time, have a listen to this:

It's not the best choice for babies with a capable and involved parent. If the alternative to nursery is being home with an unengaged parent who doesn't enjoy being with them for that amount of time then nursery is definitely the better option.

What do you mean "don't put other mums?" Why not?

When mine were babies and toddlers, we'd go to Tumble Tots, Monkey Music, Messy play, baby massage - all kinds of things most days. There are loads of mums (and dads) and you meet absolutely loads of new people. Often you'd go for coffee afterwards, or the kids want to keep playing so you go to the park or someone's house. Every day is like that and there are loads of mums everywhere, all in the same boat and all wanting to meet other mums. It's a very sociable time!

With the second or later kids, lots of the friends you met through the first one are also having another one.

I don't know anyone who used a nursery full time. There was a playgroup (nursery?) where they could do three mornings per week (9.15-12), but not before 2.5 years old. After the age of 3, they could go for 3, 4 or 5 mornings. I signed all mine up for 3 mornings in the term they turned 3, but if they didn't want to go, we just did something else.

Exactly. I didn't want to always talk about babies which is a reason why I struggled with baby groups as well as just simply not feeling like I fit in despite trying a few different groups.

I didn't bother with groups at all the second time around and wish I hadn't tried so the hard the first time when I was obviously not enjoying it, if anything I always left feeling worse than when I had arrived.