To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

By this logic we should start babies in nursery even earlier to get them used to it, maybe 3 or 6 months since a lot of them now go from 9 months.

Harsh? My 3 year old would beg to differ 😂 She started Nursery term after 3rd birthday for mornings only. Rocked up on day 1, joined her line with a huge smile and cheery ‘bye Mummy!’ Happy and ready aged 3 from day 1.

Lucky you! How often does that happen then?

Well having watched 8 lots of multiple 3 year olds starting Nursery each term over a period of almost 3 years who’d never attended anywhere, and also having worked at several other schools with their own nurseries where it was the same, I’d say the majority.

I always find these threads really sad. The anti-nursery brigade doing their best to bring other women down. What a sad place to be as a woman - surely we should be supporting each other whatever the circumstances. I always think these people must actually be deeply unhappy to spend their time doing this?!

In answer to your questions, we were beyond fortunate where we live (will vary by area) that we had a pick of 1-3 lovely things to do every morning. We had a beautiful routine- out in the morning (local, free 0-5 playgroup, Hartbeeps, Little City, swimming, free soft play, 2 local libraries, free singing group, time with Nana), followed by lunch and nap/quiet time, then afternoons we deliberately kept a bit quieter (indoor and outdoor play, time at other people’s homes/people visiting us, garden, parks). We could pass hours cuddled up with a pile of stories, working our way through a load of puzzles or board games. Fairly regular day trips to farms/zoos/National Trust/outdoor venues to meet friends further afield. Absolutely loved structuring our week and having the freedom to jump in the car and hit the road on an adventure whenever we fancied it. Best, most beautiful years of my life so far, which I miss so much already.

Sounds ideal. I keep thinking that I don’t want this to end, absolute best years getting to know and watch develop these little people every day ❤️

That lot sounds like hell to me. I don't think every parent wants to spend days on end doing that kind of stuff

True, I’m a very chatty extrovert, so this suited me. Did always of course scale back due to illness/bad night’s sleep, but SAHPs often are certainly not always ‘at home’ during the day 😂

Yep, not for me either. Not all day, every day anyway.

Well I think being a financially comfortable stay at home parent with a great local community, nearby extended family, your own car and a variety of expensive activities for your days out sounds lovely. Obviously not really possible for most and would not be enjoyed by many others.

As I keep saying, I do not judge you for spending years of your life like this. So no reason to judge me for the way I’ve spent the last several years.

Did you read the comments from the posters I was responding to? Several were making highly judgmental remarks about families who do not send their children to Nursery until they are 3, saying it’s ‘harsh’ on the child and implying it’s a lesser experience than Nursery because they can’t access certain activities (you can totally use paint, playdoh, water play etc at home). The majority of the stuff we attended was free and within walking distance too.

The Nursery we used is brilliant, and no, I never felt guilty using it because both mine loved it, nothing negative to say about it, but it is not the ONLY positive way of achieving these things. So I will speak up about that, because both my 3 year olds were happy at home/in their local community AND happy to start Nursery at 3. I’ve not encountered so much negativity around waiting until 3 before, that’s a new one! 😂

No regrets at all DD goes 3.5 days a week, counting down the days until we can access funding from 2 for her to drop the eye watering nursery fee bill a tad though!

typically is not doing the heavy lifting. It is meant in lieu of a generally or ‘for the most part’ and the reason being is that there is an exception to every rule, there are children that have grown up in homes on the breadline and have achieved tremendous amounts but it’s not the norm, likewise there are children from very wealthy backgrounds who achieved very little but id imagine that these children are still shielded from the consequences of that through their inherent privilege.

you can’t just make up stuff about ‘the research was done before it was the norm for 2 parents to work’ , it has proved to be a tried and tested truth, children from more affluent backgrounds fare better. There is no temporal stamp on it. There are many ways parents can be more affluent, generational wealth (not the majority) a high flying spouse and a part time or sahp (again not really the norm, outside of mumsnet and opens the partner, usually the woman, open to financial insecurity and frankly risk) the more typical arrangement is two individuals working both earning ‘good’ wages.

do better means, achieve more academically, attain higher paid positions, and earn more, and as a result more likely have better mental health too, as they’ll have recourse to private treatments if they do struggle with mental health and won’t have the added financial burdens to create stress (chronic stress and financial difficulties are disastrous for mental health as I’m sure you’re aware.

It’s perfectly normal for small children to have a wider caring circle and be amongst their peers. The notion of a baby being an only child and having the undivided attention of 1 adult that they spend all day with is a relatively modern one.

Both my kids went to nursery from 14 months (DD) and 12 months (DS) and they’re really happy, confident children. DD is now at school, has loads of friends and is just very easygoing and enjoys adventure. Possibly anecdotal but all the kids I know who didn’t have any childcare until school are anxious and struggled to settle, easily overwhelmed etc

It was company my DD craved rather than activities. I can take her to an exciting zoo etc but she’s never happier than when she’s with a couple of friends, haring around their garden or making up a game with soft toys etc

She’s an extrovert and with extroverted children they need more social company than just 1 adult. I’m sure it’s different if you have an introverted child but DD gets bored if she spends more than a couple of days solidly in my company.

You don’t have to be completely on your own 1:1 with your child all day. At baby/toddler groups there are loads of lovely staff (often ex-teachers)/volunteers running them and other parents/GPS/child minders. They are very communal, the children get to know other adults and children. Everybody holds each other’s/plays with each other’s/so you can go to the toilet/have a cuppa and chat with somebody else. Older children naturally play and interact with other at parks/soft play etc. You can meet up with friends with children/cousins and invite them to each other’s homes to play.

It’s a real misconception about children at home spending all of their time only with one adult. We saw my Mum 1-2 times a week, and she spent a great deal of time bonding with them from birth, they were always very familiar with her and her home, used to me leaving them initially to run errands etc, so both have always happily slept over from 1 (reckon they would have done sooner, but I was BF).

I meant it is harsh going from being with you all the time to being left five times a week.

Well starting at one is better than starting at three IMO. I thoroughly regret only starting my son in nursery at two.

Ahh I see what you mean. So hard to correctly interpret reading not chatting! Yes, I wondered about that, asked if mine could do 2-3 mornings, but ours was very strict about 5 mornings as it’s school-based. In preparation I ensured they were comfortable being left with my Mum and spent time at local groups so they were used to the concept of a teacher, circle time, someone reading them a story/singing, seeing other children, etc.

I would have changed course if they really struggled to settle after a while. My DS did cry for the first 3 mornings, but I think going every morning helped him settle quicker possibly (and he was a covid baby/toddler, so did experience less prior socialising than my DD). I find it all really interesting.

Did your son find it hard? Sorry to hear that if so. Children are so different, some do struggle at any age regardless of what we all try and decide for the best. I saw children start school at 4- some fine from day 1, some wobbly for a few days, some genuinely cried every day for the first term. One needed half days for the first term as it really was too much. Lots of it seemed irrelevant to their prior experiences/parental views.

Try not to feel bad about what you decided- many other factors influence these things (child’s own natural temperament and preferences, other things going on in their lives, etc).

I am really glad you enjoy this but that in no way would ever have been my life if I’d quit my job. When I think about where we’d be able to afford to live on just my husband’s salary, and what I’d be able to afford to do, it’s nothing like this. We wouldn’t live in a lovely neighbourhood with lots of lovely activities. We wouldn’t be able to afford playgroups or - as the above poster mentions - lovely days out at national trust properties.

And we don’t have family here, we are immigrants. So we’ve had two nights away from our kids in 12 years. I would never tell you that you aren’t parenting your kids because they have regular overnights without you, so there’s really no reason to say I’m not parenting my own kids because they have regular daytime hours without me. It’s just a different setup. I can’t imagine having my small children away from me at night but I don’t judge those who do it.

Of course part of why I have always worked full time is because it’s best for me, but that’s not at the sacrifice of my children. I prioritise them - always. And that has meant flexible working and working after they’re in bed if needed and using my annual leave to volunteer at the school library and go to their assemblies, dance performances, teacher meetings - whatever. (As does my husband of course.)

Personally I also think it’s important for my kids to have a strong relationship with both parents so we have both prioritised careers that allow for a balance. If my husband was the only one bringing in an income it would be a very different life for him as well - he’d have to quit his job he loves for something much better paid. I would never want to put that pressure on him when I’m fully capable of sharing the financial load.

I have seen friends of my children who didn't start until they were three and they would scream and need to be peeled off the door to go in. My son starts in September at a school nursery but goes three mornings at a private one. I have a feeling he will be like your DS. Still cries after eight months of going. I put him in due to speech delay/possible autism at two and kind of wished he had gone earlier. He might have settled quicker and easier in the same way my daughter did who started at one. If I had left him only starting nursery at three he would be even more upset. Sometimes I feel guilty he isn't as settled as I would like but he needs it.🤷

Ahh that sounds really hard and upsetting. I hope you both are getting the support you need with his speech and emotional needs. You can definitely access more specialised support more easily through Nurseries/schools than trying to go it alone. Really hope he feels more comfortable soon and at his next setting and you are all OK 💐

It's more the fact there didn't seem to be ANYTHING that wasn't child oriented in that. I preferred more of a balance in my life and shock horror to sometimes do things I liked rather than tolerated as I had kids.

My interests didn't suddenly change into liking kid orientated stuff the minute I gave birth. Of course I did some of it to keep the kids happy but not all day, every bloody day.