To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

They don't stay in the same room.

Depends on the child too. My 2 year old talks about his nursery friends all of the time and doesn't just parallel play.

People often call my 2 year old kind too, as well as polite. Weird since he should be feral as he goes to nursery full time.

If you’re happy with this set up, you do you. I cannot imagine being away for so many hours every day from my child of similar age.

The OPs question was “is it reasonable to not feel guilty about using childcare” and myself and some other users answered that they would in fact feel guilty. In my case it wouldn’t even be guilt but deep sadness.

@Kanfuzed123 strange post and great for you.
I've never seen anti childcare sentiment what I have seen is a post like... My baby cries for weeks going to nursery what shoud I do and the one or two people who dare to suggest... Maybe don't send them and find another way.. Get absolutely jumped on with shouts of, would you ask a man this.

I've seen two posts on here only that drew true honest responses from actual nursery workers and some who've had a bad experience.

I'm very happy with it. Giving up my career was never an option.

Okaaaay…. But this is a thread about full time nursery childcare so I’m (genuinely) confused about why you’re engaging with my argument if your set up is tag team parental care and no nursery which is what you seem to be saying?

I’ve not given up my career either. Just taking a power pause to be with my babies. I recommend this book https://amzn.eu/d/bHU878B

I get recruiters contacting me constantly about roles, no one is phased in the slightest about my career break. Most of these roles are also flexible, wfh positions.

This “I don’t dare to take a career break in case I can’t resume it” just sounds weak and defeatist. I suspect it’s also being used as an excuse by some to outsource the childcare (not saying this is you).

I agree.

childcare (all aspects of it) IS a feminist issue - but the solution is not to send babies away from their parents five days a week - it’s to make men step up ans share the career sacrifices that need to be made when you choose to have children.

surely no one looks at their 9 month old and actually thinks ‘this baby doesn’t care where I am or who she’s with’?

i think we have to pretend to in order to avoid an unfair sacrifice of our careers - and I understand why women choose not to accept that unfairness. But there is a price to pay - it IS a zero sum game - and it’s the baby that is paying it.

What choice do the parents have?

I didn't want to take a career break just as my DH didn't. We've found a balance of working full time but flexing our hours around each other which means both of us can have our share of picking up DC's early from nursery and spending extra time with them and it isn't just one parent having that benefit.

They were at each other's houses at least 3 times a week.

If you read back, choices have been suggested which might not seem possible because we’re conditioned not to see them.,but actually would be for plenty of us, if we were to prioritise babies and toddlers’ emotional and psychological development.

Ok then, good for you. You said something about giving up your career so I just pointed out that taking a break is not necessarily giving up your career.

Because you quoted a thing saying babies needed ONE main caregiver. In my example there's BOTH parents who are equal caregivers, so not just one The child did go to nursery from age 3. 6 sessions over 3 days

Then you said about the baby wouldn't want parents to work full time

And I thought the thread was about childcare anyway not just nurseries

It depends on the career. Mine would be very difficult to get back into after a prolonged break, especially if we're talking about multiple children and even more difficult to get back to a senior level.

It's good that it is possible in situations such as yours.

I bet it’s not as difficult as you think.

It definitely is. Not all careers are the same.

So what makes it so difficult to get back into your career?

Several things. The main one is that it is male dominated so 99% of your competition when it comes to promotions etc are most definitely not taking career breaks or of course maternity leaves (that was hard enough and I had shorter ones), some of them are also married to SAHM's so they can stay late without a care in the world.

Ok so you might have to put promotions on pause and re-join at the level you were at when the career break started (which is get you’re not interested in). It doesn’t sound like it’s impossible to get back to it though. Honestly it sounds similar to the field I’m in.

I think we need to stop telling women that they will never be able to resume their career if they take a break. If we made it the norm then it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

I don't know about your field but in my field, you can't be out for several years and then just expect to walk back into a senior role.

If it was the norm for men to take career breaks for several years then it would be different but in my field? It just wouldn't be realistic when you're competing with men who never take career breaks.

My DD definitely played with other children well before the age of 3. She is also really good with sharing, and very patient about it… I’m not sure where she got her extraversion from, but she’s been like that as long as she could walk and say a few words.

I certainly could take 10 years out from working but I would then have to work my way up from that point - or perhaps a bit lower down to relearn everything that’s changed in 10 years. I’ve worked at the same place for almost 20 years and things are massively different to when I started. I couldn’t just come back in a decade like nothing had happened. I’d be way behind and I can’t see how I’d recover and get to where I’d be without that massive gap.

I feel absolutely no guilt about my children spending some time with trained professionals each week. They aren’t damaged, they aren’t broken and they definitely aren’t traumatised. My son is a massive extrovert and was so happy on his first day of nursery - and every other day after. He had a million friends, they all went to the park and the museum and played outside all day. And then he started school with no drama at all.

For what it’s worth - he was never hurt by another kid at nursery and got punched in the face week 1 of p1 by a child who hadn’t been able to attend nursery at all due to moving countries during lockdown. He’d spent the entirety of lockdown with his parents and had no idea how to share or be around other children. Not that this proves anything - it’s just an anecdote! Just like the stories you’ve seen about violent babies are just anecdotes - no one would make a post ‘had a perfectly lovely day at nursery today, how nice’ - people only post when there’s a problem.

I certainly could take 10 years out from working but I would then have to work my way up from that point - or perhaps a bit lower down to relearn everything that’s changed in 10 years. I’ve worked at the same place for almost 20 years and things are massively different to when I started. I couldn’t just come back in a decade like nothing had happened. I’d be way behind and I can’t see how I’d recover and get to where I’d be without that massive gap.

I feel absolutely no guilt about my children spending some time with trained professionals each week. They aren’t damaged, they aren’t broken and they definitely aren’t traumatised. My son is a massive extrovert and was so happy on his first day of nursery - and every other day after. He had a million friends, they all went to the park and the museum and played outside all day. And then he started school with no drama at all.

For what it’s worth - he was never hurt by another kid at nursery and got punched in the face week 1 of p1 by a child who hadn’t been able to attend nursery at all due to moving countries during lockdown. He’d spent the entirety of lockdown with his parents and had no idea how to share or be around other children. Not that this proves anything - it’s just an anecdote! Just like the stories you’ve seen about violent babies are just anecdotes - no one would make a post ‘had a perfectly lovely day at nursery today, how nice’ - people only post when there’s a problem.

I probably could have taken a few years out from my career without too much of an issue getting back in where I left.

I didn't want to, though, because I don't enjoy being with my children full time and because I am not sold on the idea that childcare is bad for them.