To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

Most people’s do of course. For me it became even more important to ensure I was financially settled and able to take care of them with or without my husband. There’s nothing wrong with either of our instincts here. I cannot imagine how it would be not to work and you can’t imagine how it would be to be a working parent - that’s all fine. We don’t have to have empathy but we can certainly respect each other’s choices.

Who says we don't enjoy our kids? Don't you occasionally fancy going somewhere to read in peace with a coffee? I quite enjoy eating my break without my toddler snatching my food. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy them.

You can enjoy your kids without wanting to spend 24/7 with them. I feel like I enjoy them more because I don't spend 24/7 with them.

Oops showed your real face there. Mothers who SAH aren’t ‘leeching off a wealthy partner’ are they? They’re normally sacrificing income, their careers, outside stimulation and validation and their security because they believe their children will be better off with a mum at home.
You can’t have it both ways, that poor mums who use childcare are guilt riddled sufferers but SAHM are lazy ‘leeches’. Both sets of PEOPLE are normally doing the absolute best they can for their children.
You don’t have to make up stories about other mothers to feel you're doing the best for your child/ren. Focus on that and let the rest go. Because your kind of coiled nastiness and envy will be very apparent and influential - and damaging- to your children. Best of luck.

Sure but maybe some people want more time with their kids than others. I’ve never felt the need for mine to be in childcare for extended periods of time or to send them for sleepovers. They sleep a lot more than me so I get my down time then. You and another poster were making out that’s strange and martyr-like which is what I was referring to.

Also by this logic, childcare workers are also leeching off parents. Or are they doing a job that they are being paid for? Exactly. Little kids need constant care- I can do it or we can pay someone else to do it. Yes we would be better off financially if we outsourced it but the quality of care would be nowhere near what I can provide. Most “wealthy spouses” realise this and so presumably are happy with that set up. And if they’re not then that’s a topic for another thread I suppose.

I don't really class the hurried hour or so to have lunch and do the washing/tidying up whilst they sleep as good time to myself. Each to their own but I need proper time away. I suspect when your children get more challenging and older you might find yourself feeling the same way.

Not guilty at all, she went to nursery at 10 months old, couldn’t have any longer off work, she loved nursery! Was always so happy there and made lovely friends she still has now at age 8. Maybe part of it was luck, she was a chilled child and the nursery was great.
She also loves her wrap around care and holiday clubs now.

If you look back, I was actually responding to pp who was acting like it was strange for a mother to want to be away from her kids which is why I joked that maybe I evolved incorrectly. I also never called anyone a martyr.

Mine are in childcare because I work but since DH and I flex our hours, they aren't actually in childcare for super long days.

Bedtime isn't downtime for me because I'm still ''on'' and can't truly relax which is where sleepovers come in handy.

Aren't your kids babies though @SouthLondonMum22 ? By 'sleepovers' do you mean handing them to your mum?

My mum wouldn't have had our kids when they were babies and I wouldn't have asked her to.

I think some people do like more time with their kids than others. And different people need more time on their own than others.

I don't think that's a big deal though, I don't think women should feel bad about not wanting to be with their children 24/7.

I am an introvert with extroverted children and I do find them overwhelming sometimes. I don't feel guilty about using high quality childcare. I do feel guilty when I don't get enough time to myself and start being snappy with the kids.

Both sets of Grandparents will have them for sleepovers occasionally. DH's parents more than mine because they are more local. They love having them and are always asking to have them.

DS is 2 and twin DD's have just turned 1.

You have your hands full then @SouthLondonMum22

They definitely keep things interesting. 😂

Are you deluded?

the average Joe, which is what most people are (despite what MN post) could afford a stay at home parent if they planned better?

define what planning better means?

how could they afford it? On a single income… what’s the average salary in the uk? Isn’t it around £35k? Ok, let’s even say a decent salary £60k, how could they afford to have a stay at home parent AND a mortgage, AND have planned for retirement, AND saved for a rainy day, especially with more than 1 child.

I read that more as being reliant on a husband or partner.

which frankly is just a vulnerable situation for any person / woman to be in. You see it on here all the time, husband or 10 years ups and leaves for a younger model and wife has been out of work for the last x Amount of years with the kids, now has a huge career gap and will find it hard to get back into work but now has to support herself. Let’s be honest, A lot of sahm aren’t having their husband pay into their pension for them. So by being out do the work force their missing out on NI for state pension, not contributing to a work place one and if he ups and leaves are up shit creek in terms of retirement

Cutting and pasting from a post of mine earlier this year:

Research has always shown that babies need a secure attachment with one consistent care-giver - not chaotic, crowded, loud environments where staff turnover is high. We know that the standard of 'industrial' - sorry, but that's what it is, and needs to be to sustain this model - childcare is exceptionally low when compared to many other developed countries. I (genuinely, and not just to enrage or upset people) think we will see the results in the next decade and it won't be good either for individual children or for society as a whole.

It's a massive social experiment and a massive con. Capitalism needs us to buy, on and on and on, and it will always adapt and coopt and shift in order to keep consumption increasing. Thus it's successfully convinced us that a certain standard of living is the minimum we deserve - and that without certain objects and services we're not 'living'. So families work full pelt to afford this lifestyle - and pay out even more in convenience foods and extra services in order to make family life even vaguely possible.

It's true that housing costs make it harder to survive one one income. But my honest belief is that, with serious cutbacks in spending, it would be possible for many families to survive for a few years on one or 1.5 incomes.
What should have happened is that men should have been forced/enabled to take half the load - so both couples go part-time and care is split between them. That's child-centred, but also equality-focused.

I know lots will disagree, but what we have is horrible.Thirty odd years ago it was very much not the norm, and I don't think anyone - women, men, and most of all babies and toddlers - has benefitted.

Example- a lot of people I know upsize just before they have a baby or once baby is born because they think they need more space (babies don’t take up that much space). The mortgage then obviously goes up and they both need to go back to work.

How does that work then in the case where both parents do equal care?

Both of mine loved nursery and I have zero regrets. Sure, they had blips but doesn’t anybody with anything. Their social development was far ahead of kids that didn’t go as were many other skills. Far more variety of things to do as well.

Babies might not take up much space but they don't stay babies for long.

It's also much easier to move before you have a baby than afterwards (I have moved house with two under 4 and I do not recommend)

Mine is older now but he went to nursery from just before he turned 1. Three days a week as DH and I both managed to negotiate a flexible 4 day working week with our employers - we were very lucky.

During Covid, he had three months at home with us. Then went back in. I didn’t feel guilty.
I don’t think society/family life is set up for the optimum ‘it takes a village’ so I do think Nursery (in as small a dose as you can manage) is a good thing for them.

The worst part about childcare IMO is the cost of it! We were lucky that it was financially worth it for both of us to work but I know many that couldn’t do that and had to quit working.

That too.

I have 3 under 3 and can't imagine moving house with them. No thanks. 😂

What you call social development could also be viewed as 'coping skills' - learned responses to anxiety and sadness. Something that babies and toddlers shouldn't have needed to develop yet. Babies and toddlers are not office workers.