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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

807 replies

Kanfuzed123 · 10/04/2025 17:47

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

OP posts:
melua · 03/05/2025 08:05

Not all babies will be in childcare 8-6, but a lot are. So parents see them for what - 30 mins in the morning (rushing out the door) and then an hour or two in the evenings? That's it. I know this is 'modern life' but it's far from ideal for anyone.

whiteroseredrose · 03/05/2025 08:08

Each to their own. Mine hated nursery so I became a SAHM when I got chance and worked school hours only while they were at primary school. Money was tight but not impossible as a result but we have no regrets. It worked for us.

DC are in their 20s now and have said that they were grateful at not having to go to after school clubs. I think both like time away from people so that they can decompress.

We were lucky to be able to survive on one salary. My colleagues with young DC now have no choice - the world is a much more expensive place now.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2025 08:15

melua · 03/05/2025 08:05

Not all babies will be in childcare 8-6, but a lot are. So parents see them for what - 30 mins in the morning (rushing out the door) and then an hour or two in the evenings? That's it. I know this is 'modern life' but it's far from ideal for anyone.

Are they? Statistically the majority of women don't go back to work full time, they go back part time which doesn't add up with all these babies going to childcare 8-6 every single day.

That also doesn't count those who will use Grandparents for some days or how flexible working is more common now so like us, even if they do work full time they can flex their hours so can pick up early the majority of the time.

Radra · 03/05/2025 08:33

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2025 08:15

Are they? Statistically the majority of women don't go back to work full time, they go back part time which doesn't add up with all these babies going to childcare 8-6 every single day.

That also doesn't count those who will use Grandparents for some days or how flexible working is more common now so like us, even if they do work full time they can flex their hours so can pick up early the majority of the time.

Show quote history

I agree with this - I really do not think that 8-6 M-F is common at all.

Also this stuff all forgets.. weekends, bank holidays, annual leave. Once you add all of that up, even the small number of preschool age children in nursery 5 days a week are spending a lot of time at home - depending on annual leave allowances, it ends up being about 40% of the year

melua · 03/05/2025 09:49

But even if babies are in 8-4, 5 days per week, the fact is, most of their waking lives are spent with others, rather than at home. That's still a long day for an infant, sorry, but it is. I know a lot of people have no choice, but that still doesn't make it ideal and companies / parental leave policies will never change as long as people pretend it is. School is different because they are 4/5 by then and their needs evolve accordingly.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2025 10:04

Radra · 03/05/2025 08:33

I agree with this - I really do not think that 8-6 M-F is common at all.

Also this stuff all forgets.. weekends, bank holidays, annual leave. Once you add all of that up, even the small number of preschool age children in nursery 5 days a week are spending a lot of time at home - depending on annual leave allowances, it ends up being about 40% of the year

Show quote history

Exactly.

I still spend plenty of quality time with them, especially when you factor in weekends, annual leave and the such like not to mention the quality time you can still have in the mornings and after nursery. When mine were younger, they would often sleep for 3 of the hours spent at nursery.

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 10:11

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2025 07:26

I've never felt that I should be with them at all times, even when they were teeny tiny I was happy enough to leave them with DH if we needed something from the shop or whatever and they had sleepovers with Grandparents from a young age too.

Maybe I evolved incorrectly. 😂

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Same. 😂

PurpleThistle7 · 03/05/2025 11:49

I think the thing that helps least of all is arguing amongst ourselves. None of these choices are bad ones, we all clearly love our kids or we wouldn’t be on this forum, and different setups work for different families and children.

I would never tell a non working parent all the reasons it’s a terrible idea ‘for me’ to live that life so there’s no real reason for anyone to judge me in return. My kids are doing great. So are yours. It’s nice for kids to hang out at home with a parent. It’s also nice for them to hang out with their friends at a fun environment literally created for them.

I am an immigrant from the states so the setup here feels magical to me - all that time off work for midwife appointments, a year off on maternity, several weeks off work every single year. I had no idea that this life was possible when I was younger and absolutely never expected it. I feel grateful that I can both have a career and raise a family and do everything else I do as well.

Of course there are families struggling and of course finding the balance between working and parenting and hobbies and friends and everything else is hard… for everyone. And of course I think there are plenty of people who need more support but I have no issues at all with the general theory of working while also raising your children. I also have no problem with families who balance things differently than I do.

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 12:44

Some people prefer to have their kids in childcare as much as possible. You can easily spot that type of parents on holiday as well as they put their kids into every kids club going . It’s the ones that would rather be with their kids but have to work that I feel sorry for although I do feel like it people had planned years ahead of having babies then more people would be able to be SAHP.

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 15:52

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 12:44

Some people prefer to have their kids in childcare as much as possible. You can easily spot that type of parents on holiday as well as they put their kids into every kids club going . It’s the ones that would rather be with their kids but have to work that I feel sorry for although I do feel like it people had planned years ahead of having babies then more people would be able to be SAHP.

You can't plan a cost of living crisis.

PurpleThistle7 · 03/05/2025 15:58

I did plan. We waited until we had good jobs and stable finances and it took us years to have our daughter after infertility and miscarriages. I planned to continue working too. It’s not that I have settled into this life, it is entirely my choice and is almost exactly as I’d choose it to be (though agree no one would have guessed what would happen to mortgages and food costs so there are plenty being backed into a corner with no choice at all). There’s no reason to feel sorry for me or my kids.

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 16:17

Why would people prefer their kids in childcare all the time? It costs an absolute bomb.

Numberfish · 03/05/2025 21:18

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2025 07:26

I've never felt that I should be with them at all times, even when they were teeny tiny I was happy enough to leave them with DH if we needed something from the shop or whatever and they had sleepovers with Grandparents from a young age too.

Maybe I evolved incorrectly. 😂

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Well you certainly aren’t troubled by any deeper waters, are you? 😂

Numberfish · 03/05/2025 21:21

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 16:17

Why would people prefer their kids in childcare all the time? It costs an absolute bomb.

Because money is the priority? Jesus.

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 21:39

Numberfish · 03/05/2025 21:21

Because money is the priority? Jesus.

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Well some of us don't leech off a wealthy spouse and like to earn our own money.

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 22:17

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 21:39

Well some of us don't leech off a wealthy spouse and like to earn our own money.

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It’s family income, no one is leeching off anyone in the SAHP scenario. The only people leeching off other people’s “wealthy spouses” are those who don’t earn enough to pay for their own childcare and rely on government handouts.

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 22:21

PurpleThistle7 · 03/05/2025 15:58

I did plan. We waited until we had good jobs and stable finances and it took us years to have our daughter after infertility and miscarriages. I planned to continue working too. It’s not that I have settled into this life, it is entirely my choice and is almost exactly as I’d choose it to be (though agree no one would have guessed what would happen to mortgages and food costs so there are plenty being backed into a corner with no choice at all). There’s no reason to feel sorry for me or my kids.

Well if you’re happy with that set up then good for you. I said I felt sorry for people who would rather stay at home with the kids but have to work.

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 22:34

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 22:17

It’s family income, no one is leeching off anyone in the SAHP scenario. The only people leeching off other people’s “wealthy spouses” are those who don’t earn enough to pay for their own childcare and rely on government handouts.

Edited
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Those childcare fees have to be paid upfront by us and only if you are in work. Sounds like it is a sore point for you as you keep bringing it up?

PurpleThistle7 · 03/05/2025 22:45

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 22:21

Well if you’re happy with that set up then good for you. I said I felt sorry for people who would rather stay at home with the kids but have to work.

Show quote history

Do you also feel sorry for people who want a career but are stuck at home? Cause I feel sorry for anyone who isn’t living the life they want. I’d never say that if you’d planned your life better you’d have a satisfying career!

Your assumption that anyone not home with their kids is at work due to poor planning - or indeed that this would be better for society as a whole is the part that I was commenting on.

Fully admit I’m biased though as I don’t actually know many people who don’t work at all - a couple very wealthy people with spouses who don’t work and my parents and in-laws are retired now but 99% of my friends and all of my children’s friends parents are working.

The example of a stay at home parent from my life was my mother and that was a nightmare for her when my parents divorced. I knew I never wanted that experience for myself so have been working since I was a teenager.

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 22:48

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 22:34

Those childcare fees have to be paid upfront by us and only if you are in work. Sounds like it is a sore point for you as you keep bringing it up?

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Yeah, I keep bringing it up in response to statements such as yours. If you bring in less than it costs government in childcare top ups than you’re hardly independent. You could say that your work is basically a hobby. Nothing wrong with that if you enjoy it but you should stop barking on about SAHPs leeching off other people. At least they are independent as a family unit and don’t have to rely on strangers to top them up.

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 22:48

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/05/2025 07:26

I've never felt that I should be with them at all times, even when they were teeny tiny I was happy enough to leave them with DH if we needed something from the shop or whatever and they had sleepovers with Grandparents from a young age too.

Maybe I evolved incorrectly. 😂

Show quote history

I suspect how you and I feel is more common than we think. I genuinely don't get this not wanting to leave them mummy martyr thing.I am quite looking forward to starting hobbies again when preschool starts. Time to myself.

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 22:52

PurpleThistle7 · 03/05/2025 22:45

Do you also feel sorry for people who want a career but are stuck at home? Cause I feel sorry for anyone who isn’t living the life they want. I’d never say that if you’d planned your life better you’d have a satisfying career!

Your assumption that anyone not home with their kids is at work due to poor planning - or indeed that this would be better for society as a whole is the part that I was commenting on.

Fully admit I’m biased though as I don’t actually know many people who don’t work at all - a couple very wealthy people with spouses who don’t work and my parents and in-laws are retired now but 99% of my friends and all of my children’s friends parents are working.

The example of a stay at home parent from my life was my mother and that was a nightmare for her when my parents divorced. I knew I never wanted that experience for myself so have been working since I was a teenager.

Show quote history

“Do you also feel sorry for people who want a career but are stuck at home? Cause I feel sorry for anyone who isn’t living the life they want. I’d never say that if you’d planned your life better you’d have a satisfying career!”

I guess so? I can’t say I would understand it because despite having a great career, my priorities changed completely once I had kids.

HJA87 · 03/05/2025 22:54

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 22:48

I suspect how you and I feel is more common than we think. I genuinely don't get this not wanting to leave them mummy martyr thing.I am quite looking forward to starting hobbies again when preschool starts. Time to myself.

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Maybe some people enjoy their kids and don’t see a need to be away from them for extended periods of time? It’s similar to exercise/gym- a lot of people hate it but once you learn to enjoy it, you don’t see it as a chore.

StarCourt · 03/05/2025 23:02

DD went to nursery full time from 6 months old, I dropped her off at 7.30am, caught the bus to work then collected her from nursery at 6.30pm, 5 days per week. I was a lone parent so had to work. When she started school I used wraparound care from 8am, caught the train to work then collected her at 6pm. I never felt guilty, I had no grandparent help as they live abroad, it was needs must. I did this until she started secondary school in 2020. I’d been made redundant during first lock down so did temp work from home.

IVFmumoftwo · 03/05/2025 23:02

Maybe if you would stop going on about bills as if they aren't needing to be paid I wouldn't have mentioned it? How else would you be paying bills if not a high earning spouse? Easy to judge mother's working when you don't need to isn't it? My job isn't a hobby. It pays many of our bills. In return I am entitled to help with funding due to low income unless you think all low income families should keep their children at home and have no experience at nursery? My child would absolutely struggle even more than they are if I put them in preschool with no prior experience.