To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

I think it’s pretty naive to assume anyone getting irritated at posts clearly aimed at guilt-tripping working mothers must just feel guilty - there’s an obvious uptick in recent years of both online and real life discourse suggesting women should get back in the home, and that feminism has robbed us of our true desire (baking sourdough surrounding by four children while wearing a prairie dress).

Whether individuals are knowingly part of that wider trend or simply mindlessly sniping at strangers online, people are going to bristle at posts that appear to do little more than castigate women for wanting to work while having small children.

edit: hit post four words too early!

Honestly some of these comments have my blood boiling. I couldn’t care less whether someone stays at home or works, if their kids are happy and healthy, and they’re happy and healthy, then it’s a winner in my book. But some of the nasty, judgemental and frankly vindictive posts on this thread (and any similar threads) are so cruel and unnecessary.

What possesses someone to come onto a thread, clearly trying to uplift working mums to not feel guilty for their choices, and rip into them making shitty remarks about they could be have done it as their babies are “precious” , they’ve harmed their children etc. It’s absolutely revolting language to use against other mums just doing their best.

Oh god are we quoting kleinian object relations? Aka not evidence backed and based of Freudian psychoanalysis (again not evidence backed). Mother blaming is a strong feature in his discourse as is also deeply problematic assertion of a woman lacking. But I shan’t digress

if we must, when speaking of klein she, building off Winnicot, also postulated that children do not need an ideal mother they need a good enough one.

If they were doing their best they would be actively raising their children in the important early years rather than handing them over for someone else to do it.

Hopefully you’re actively raising your children to be less judgemental and more tolerant than you.

edited because the language was unnecessary 🤦🏼‍♀️

what the difference between a nursery worker and a teacher? (Are they less good because they are paid less? Do they care about the children less because they are less qualified? Are they disinterested because they are younger? Are we just dismissing the older more nursery workers? Are we assuming primary school teachers are enthralled and not robotically following a curriculum?

Yes there is the idea of the 'good enough' mother, but that doesn't mean 'good enough' in terms of 'seeing your baby for x hours per day is 'good enough.' That's a totally separate issue relating to the mother's capacity to be responsive or not.

The fact remains, that child developmental stages are real.

Gosh there’s a lot of research ignoring going on here for people to justify their lifestyles.

saying I don’t believe in X research is like putting your fingers in your ears and going la la la because all you want is validation of your original stance

The paranoid schizoid phase is psychoanalysis and not evidence backed

can’t you make the connection that someone’s responsive capacity is linked to their general contentedness? A mother who feels like she is well rounded person, not dependent on a partner and is her own person maybe more responsive and more engaged than someone who isn’t?

Hahahaahah

What a wicked woman I am. I’ll make sure to tell my kids of their suffering, this summer when we’re in Walt Disney world followed by a cruise

What do Walt Disney and a cruise have to do with the price of fish? Are you just having a joke on here @Kanfuzed123 ?

And there we have it. You think money is all you need to make your kids happy.

You don’t value the importance of the presence of a parent.

As an illustration of the poor deprived life they lead

The happiness of children isn't just based on the fancy holidays you can afford

So do you believe that all women should go part time or give up work when they have kids ?

I bet you that holiday that all your kids would really want is to spend that time with you. Ask them. Seriously, ask them. Life isn't about material things.

Well if you don't know the difference between a nursery worker and a teacher then I can't enter into a debate with you. If you genuinely do not see the difference between a late teens YP with a couple of GCSEs and very few other career options and a teacher educated to degree level then I rest my case. I accept this is a massive generalisation and there are many many excellent nursery staff, some of whom I'm friends with. For perspective, I work in education and locally they can't recruit the higher level trainees into childcare because so few YP are interested and crucially, out of those that are interested, a large percentage don't gain the required GCSE grades to do the level 3 courses.

Some of us work full time to pay the mortgage to be honest, is that allowed...?

The parents who are with them in the morning and evening, and on weekends making memories not to mention school holidays and then a day in the week. I’m physically and emotionally present with them then. 4 days of the week, 38 weeks of the year however I am not between the hrs of 9/5. If you math it out, I’m there more than I’m not.

But yeah You’re right they couldn’t pick me from a police line up.

children who grow up with higher household incomes generally fare better in terms of academic performance and thus later life.

my working facilitates the lifestyle I want for me and my children. Maybe I might feel differently if my husband was extravagantly wealthy but alas he is just a regular guy

I think everyone should do what benefits their family and what they think is best, and that might be different for everyone. There’s no right or wrong.

I wouldn’t put mine in a nursery before the age of 3 as there isn’t any benefit before that and they are only little once I want to make the most of it.

If children are in full-time childcare simply so you can afford 2 weeks with them on a fancy holiday, I would query whether that was the best quality time you could be spending with them

What a nasty generalisation of people who work in childcare and what shoddy settings have you seen

the centre my kids are in takes no apprentices, most staff are older than I and many have degrees in early years.

how offensive to assert that because they are typically less qualified they are less competent. Plus the bar to be a primary school teacher isn’t exactly sky high

well, I wouldn’t say that is the sole reason, although several holidays are an added bonus.

living in a nice home, saving for future, saving for retirement, paying the mortgage, supporting them in pursuing their hobbies, saving for their future, saving for a rainy day, private health, income protection, life insurance, experiences and making memories together, showing them the world and different cultures … that’s a few of the perks if you will off the top of my head,

Evidently not, off with your head

It is for every family to look at their options 'in the round' as you say OP.

But coming in here saying things like babies are awake all day anyway so it doesn't matter where they are; or oh, it's all fine because we go to Disney yay - makes you sound like you're living in some kind of permanent La La La Disneyland. It's actually quite insulting to mums with children in childcare who are aware of how it's not ideal, but on balance, it's the best option for their family overall. Not La La La Disneyland here we come!