Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

^ Yep. I perhaps wouldn't have worded this in exactly the same way, but I agree this is a smarter way to deal with sh*t like this.

Complain. Don't let them get away with this.

Hmmm. OP’s abilities on the call are probably workplace fair game for them to say the call is hard work. It’s not unprofessional to be tired unless you went on a three-day ketamine binge. People are human. OP has a child: are people with children not allowed to work in case they do something as unprofessional as be affected by having children? You know this is Mumsnet?

And then they go on to say she’s a “looker” and no man would be with her for her brains: there is no poor meeting performance in the known universe that makes it acceptable to talk about men being with you. Like, what? What has OP’s sex life or romantic life got to do with the price of fish? Her appearance is irrelevant; why men might be with her or not is even more so. It’s so far past the line the line is a dot.

I didn't say anything about zero tolerance; just that demeaning comments about women are unacceptable. The OP didn't actually say she was unprofessional on the call or that she wasn't prepared; just that she was below par.

I don't agree it is unacceptable to take the parcel delivery, the OP stated that her company is tolerant of this (as most workplaces probably are - I do this all the time btw and it's fine).

And even if she was unprofessional - these 2 colleagues were more so by an order of magnitude, there are no comparisons to be made. The irony of them criticising the OP's intelligence: just how stupid do you have to be to make sexist comments on a work call?

Agree with this. Whether you were having an off day or firing on all cylinders, their comments are completely unacceptable. We really shouldn’t equate “OP wasn’t performing well” with “and therefore she deserved the comments.”

Email them, address their comments - others have put useful templates in their thread.

For god’s sake don’t apologise to them.

You were all unprofessional TBH

I open the door on calls at least once a day, it’s one of the benefits of WFH.

100% I’d raise it as a grievance. It’s completely unacceptable.

Of course but the ship has sailed now hasn't it? The moment to pull them up on what they said was right then, not going off and crying and running to some kind of manager. They'll just deny it. And in the time she typed "I have to go" she could have typed "I heard that." And then left. It didn't have to be a confrontation just a statement.

I would email them cc their manager and yours and maybe HR. Say they will be dealing with another point of contact in your department going forward based on their sexist and misogynistic comments that have made you feel uncomfortable and unable to continue working with them, then write out the comments so their manager can see. Obviously clear this with your manager first.

You’re ridiculous. It’s perfectly acceptable to be human, it’s not acceptable to be a sexist dinosaur.

I think these silly comments aren’t from people who actually work in a wfh or hybrid environment.

Commenting that you were not performing well is barely acceptable, when there was a good chance that you night overhear. Discussing your appearance like that is rude, sexist and unprofessional. Imagine if you had been an external client?

You should report them. You deserve an apology and they deserve some consequences, before they cause serious damage to their employer. Pair of misogynistic neanderthals.

Your company or organisation should have a policy on sexism, a policy on Teams calls, and an IT department. The latter will be able to pull out the call even if not recorded. Make it a subject access request. Only a fool ever commits themselves by email or on Teams. Both leave a trail, believe me. Your manager should have your back with the subject access request.

Don't report it. HR do not want to get sucked into petty arguments and it will reflect worse on you than them. You will have to justify why you weren't 100%, why you left the call for personal business, why you came across poorly. It will backfire on you.

Despite what LinkedIn/Social Media/DEI culture tells us, not every minor colleague dispute is an HR call and a grievance.

It's shit but it's small beer - move on. Let them know politely and professionally you heard what they said and keep a written record of it in case it becomes a repeat occurrence.

Edit to clarify that I think what they did was wrong, unprofessional and sexist. But pick your battles.

I would email them direct with a transcript of their comments quoting what they said

explaining that you weren’t at your best ( I would be vague and not give specifics) and going forward expect kindness and professional conduct

at least they were nice about your looks, And the dimness is only temporary ! reporting can turn toxic and they could make a big deal out of your “faults” so I’d record it and make it official by using work email but leave it as just between the three of you ( unless of course it happens again )

sorry you were upset

I wouldn’t report it but I’d let them know you heard. Tell them you heard what they said and ask them if they need anything clarified as you obviously hadn’t articulated yourself very well in their opinion . . .

Personally I'd have called them out there and then by saying 'I'm still here guys, we're adults so say it to my face or not at all thanks' I guarantee they'd have been mortified. Personally I would call them out now, I'd drop an email and tell them you've overheard them and that they should bear that in mind if they're gonna slate colleagues on team calls in future, and can they respectfully decline from commenting on your appearance in future as its unprofessional and inappropriate.

Don't let them get you down though - haters are just admirers in disguise as the saying goes!

You should have said to them at the time, "sorry you don't think my brains are 100% but it's lucky I'm a looker eh?"

i have been working for 40 years.

It is a fact of working women's life. We all know it to be true as much as we all know it to be wrong.

If you bring your A-game, you can complain. If you don't? Bring your A-Game. Every. Time.

I imagine some of these comments may be from NHS workers, school staff, retail staff, etc who don't have the luxury of accepting parcels at home and really have to put tiredness to one side and get on with it.

At least they thought you looked good. (Looking for silver lining).

True but the OP's DH was also at home. OP why did you answer the door rather than turning off your microphone and shouting to DH?

I’d need to say something next time I saw them. What was by the one who commented on your looks was not OK.

As to the one that said the call was hard work, well it clearly was. I can understand the gibberish answer, but stopping a call to receive a delivery is why businesses are demanding back to work.

Well surely everyone is allowed an off day , we’re humans not robots after all. Also women inevitably carry the childcare burden because that’s the society we live in so for women to be treated fairly this all needs to be taken into account.
Not very nice for those women to be so judgemental, I get they were probably a bit frustrated but their comments were totally unprofessional and sexist. OP could just msg them individually and say she was quite hurt to the point of tears about what they said quoting what she heard and say she was having a bit of off day due to kid and would appreciate a bit less judgement and rude personal attack.