Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

I mean...you weren't on your best game, you were tired and muddled through the answers! and to make matters worse you left the meeting to collect a delivery 😂. Yes, they were very unprofessional to say what they did, but to leave a work meeting to pick up a delivery whilst in the middle of discussing a project - i think i can see where they are coming from 🤦🏻‍♀️. I suspect they made that comment because you up and left to pick up a delivery in the middle of a meeting 😂

Oh give over, it’s not being obtuse.

My organisation is also very relaxed about things like doorbells, kids appearing, dogs barking etc. HOWEVER, there are some calls where this is simply not appropriate and I’d say given the call was definitely not going in the OP’s favour, she did not know the people she was on the call to and she wasn’t presenting herself in the best light (and she knew it), disappearing to answer the door wasn’t the best idea.

“This is a work call. I’m sure you’re aware your remarks constitute sex discrimination in the workplace, which is unlawful. If you’re not aware of this, then I suggest you request training.”

Then report it to your line manager by email.

We have to fight discrimination, rather than passively ignore it. Or it comes back. As an older woman, I’ve had to point it out and report it many times. As the late Terry Hall (of the Specials) said: “People say love music, hate racism. It's not enough. Love music, fight racism. You have to fight it.” Same with sexism. And every other type of discrimination. Silence is violence.

I agree with all of this in relation to how yhe meeting she was going /her ability but the comments relating to looks took it too far

i think i can see where they are coming from

Are you saying sex discrimination in the workplace is justified in certain circumstances, e.g. if someone’s not performing? If so, I hope you don’t employ anyone. It’s unlawful. And women fought very hard for that to be the case.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sex-discrimination

What’s particularly depressing about this thread is that this is how men think / behave / talk when they think they are safely out of sight / earshot even for 30 seconds.

OP I would report them in a shot. A shot. Appalling behaviour.

Hope you’re ok and have Found your anger.

But you admit you were being dopey on the call You over reacted big time with the tears and nit carrying on the call, what you should have done is say sorry for being distracted. Nothing to report.

I'd shame them with kindness too.

Also, I'd mention your performance and how you will rectify it to your manager.

What I find depressing about this thread is how so many women appear to be untrained on sex discrimination in the workplace.

And how some are even justifying it or saying they’d let it go! Why would you allow a work colleague to potentially break the law in this way? Seems it was pointless fighting for legal rights if people don’t want to enforce them. That’s why men like this continue to behave this way. Because they’re ignorant or unafraid of the repercussions.

There’s a simple test for sexism: Would this be said to/about a man? If the answer’s no, it’s likely a sexist remark. And sexist remarks in the workplace are sex discrimination, which is against the law.

So if someone’s being dopey on a work call, it’s OK to comment on their appearance and allude to their love life? And they have to apologise?

Well that too. and it also shows that all the legislation and rules and protection we have in place has made not one scrap of difference to men’s attitudes the minute they think they can get away with it. Really bloody disheartening.

REPORT IT OP FOR SLL OF OUR SAKES!

OP, I hope you're feeling a bit better this morning.

Please do something. Report to their line managers or yours if you feel able but at the VERY least, do send them an email telling them you heard and it's complely unacceptable. Preferably the line manager route, but something.

Please do not let them get away with this and please do not listen to the people on this thread who blame you for not being on top of your game for one meeting. Its discrimination, its hugely unprofessional and its just plain mean. Please don't put up with it, for your own sake and for others.

Sharon, Tracey. I heard what you said about me on the teams meeting and found it very unprofessional. What do you have to say about it? Hand the floor over to them. They will either be extremely uncomfortable or start blustering. Then I'd tell them to turn off tea.s/zoom next time they want to be nasty about a colleague. You could also say you are considering reporting it.
I have to try very hard not to laugh when doing this.
I've been working for 45 years and really don't give a shit any more.

You've never spoken badly about a colleague, even when they deserved it?

@Tbrh are you joking? Did you read what they said about her? It wasn’t the bit about her performance that made my blood boil. Read it again.

Why is that so hard to understand? Some of us just stay out of work gossip, full-stop. If a conversation is trending that way, and it's someone of whom I have a low opinion, I stop it going further by saying "I don't really know [the person] very well" or similar.

I wasn't talking about that part, it was in reference to what @ScaredOfDinosaurssaid and @XelaMresponse. Obviously the comment re looks was out of order

Nope, never said ‘it’s a good job he’s got a great arse’ when a male colleague was having an off day. No.

I wouldn’t report it. Whatever the official consequences for them, it will just highlight your poor performance. You were tired, unprofessional and answering the door on a work call. You were behaving like an underperforming WFH stereotype. You happened to hear them bitching about you while waiting around for you to get back to the meeting.

If they are pulled up on it, they will respond by talking about how incompetent you are. Who wouldn’t when put in that situation. They will also exaggerate because they will be angry and defensive.

The call being hard work remark is fairly small potatoes. The remark on your looks is rank, and I'd bring it up directly with the person.

I'm not, read the quote history. I was responding to @Brefugee who made this about women especially always needing to give 100%. Misogyny isn't just a man thing.

It will always continue to be true for as long as we continue to feed the narrative. It is impossible to be on it 100% all of the time. That is an impossibly high expectation. Things like menopause have a tendency to put a spanner in the works, and that is an inescapable biological fact.

Just one very big reason why WFH so often equates to taking the piss.

Exactly this. They will attempt to deflect from their comments by possibly exaggerating your lack of professionalism and your distraction from the job.

Men who over estimate how competent they come across will still be judged incompetent by their audience.