Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

I think you should report it - it was a disgusting thing to say. It also gives you a chance to put the record straight - i.e. that you were short of sleep, not brains. Maybe say you were ill in the night and don't mention your DD, since it's obviously a sexist workplace.

It's not good to have colleagues saying that stuff about you. Report it and make sure everyone knows you weren't on top form.

There is no order or magnitude here, behaviour on both sides was unprofessional. The OP needs to own their behaviour just as the other attendees need to. They should raise the issue with the other attendees directly, and also take responsibility for their own lack of performance. It's a valuable learning opportunity all round.

I would find it difficult to respect someone who leaves a meeting to answer the door regardless of sex, unless it was an impromptu meeting. I also have a lot more respect for someone who says 'I'm sorry, it has completely escaped my mind' rather that trying to blag an answer.

I've tried to handle this sort of stuff at work before with the person directly, and it doesn't work. If you're on the same level or below them, they won't care at all. The word needs to come down from higher up in order to put The Fear in them. I was amazed how well it worked when I went to my manager about this kind of thing compared to trying to do it myself.

There's something to be said for not making a fuss since they have to work together going forward. But the remark about the brains would bother me - at the very least, OP should breezily say she knows she wasn't on good form in the call but she had had a sleepless night. That way, at least they know there was a reason for her appearing muddled.

It’s not acceptable to fuck up a meeting no. If you’re so tired/unwell that you can’t perform coherently then reschedule. You’re representing your team and the company as well as yourself.

I run a business from home as it happens.

Well you invented my point to suit yourself.

They cant have brains themselves talking about you like that and on a teams call too. Nasty, ignorant fuckers! I would let them both know you heard what they said and ask them to explain themselves.

If I were in your position right now, I would copy what ‘ThatNimblePeer’ said and put that in an email to the pair of them and copy in the manager.

You were unprepared and unprofessional and it seems to have negatively impacted these colleagues, so in addition to what they said on the call I would expect that they may complain to their boss(es) about your conduct today. I'd be prepared and make a plan for how you are going to handle conference calls more competently in the future; however, how serious this is depends on the culture in your company as some places are much more laissez-faire about home life interrupting work life if it's minor and occasional.

That said, what your colleagues said was on another level and completely inappropriate by any standards. I would consider mentioning it to your boss (with the context that you know you were distracted/rude on the call and have a plan to avoid a repeat) because these people either think what they said was genuinely OK or think they were somehow on a secure channel talking privately to each other when they were not. If I were your boss, or theirs, I'd want to know about this issue before they do similar in front of a more litigious colleague or a client or prospect. Your company could be really hurt by this; you'd do the right thing to quietly and tactfully raise a red flag if you're able.

Also, stop beating yourself up about this - life happens; you need to tighten up your boundaries between personal and professional (as an obvious example, ask your husband in advance to answer the door when you're on a scheduled call). But don't take anything what was said personally; misogynist drivel doesn't constitute a critique worth worrying about.

I'd have called them out right away and made them apologise. I've done it before overheard two colleagues bitching about me. I called them out there and then and yes they were extremely embarrassed.

I’d call them out in an email and let them respond, confirming it happened.

Then I’d take the time to consider reporting it

This is quite an unhelpful response. I would place bets that OP’s responses that she felt she fumbled were delivered to the same competency level that more senior men than her deliver each day without an iota of self doubt or reflection, and far less judgement from their male colleagues who would no doubt assume another man was actually just tired rather than unintelligent generally.

Their behaviour was completely unprofessional and sexist. No excuses.

And stupid. You were on the call with them. They had no idea whether you could hear. While on a work call, you assume everyone on the call can hear you. Imagine if they did this to an external client or contractor. They could seriously damage the business’s reputation.

Are you in a union? If not, I strongly advise you to join one. Even if there isn’t a recognised union in your workplace, you can join a union directly for the type of work you do. Take advice on speaking to your line manager about this. Make a note now of everything. The date, time, as much as possible about what was said. It’s always important to have an accurate record. Check your company’s policies on professional and non-discriminatory conduct. Research online sexism at work: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/discrimination-because-of-sex-or-sexual-orientation/discrimination-because-of-sex/.

Do not let this knock your confidence. They’re unprofessional and sexist. Of course, reflect on how you can perform better at work. If you’re too tired to perform at the expected level, you should inform your line manager you’re not feeling 100%, rearrange non-urgent meetings or take sick leave. But nothing justifies their remarks or makes them acceptable.

If a direct report came to me saying this, I would hold a disciplinary investigation and the outcome would very likely be that they would both be on a written warning.

This is utterly unacceptable and especially in the workplace because it's discriminatory. It's against the Employee Handbook and the company's values. They have no excuse.

No I absolutely wouldn’t report it OP but I’m really sorry this happened and knocked your confidence, i can totally understand why you felt so upset and unable to rejoin that moment. It’s hard with lack of sleep, brain can be on a go slow, plus we can feel more vulnerable and emotionally reactive, though clearly you were still looking amazing!

They don’t know you well perhaps, or your circumstances and weren’t aware to make allowances for your lack of sleep.

If you notice yourself muddling through I always think it’s better to say something to acknowledge it at the time, though I’ve done it myself where I went ahead with a teams meeting feeling unwell having Covid and didn’t say anything, but would have explained a lot.

In my case the guy had met me only once before in person (when I’d been on good form, excited about the project and brimming with lots of ideas). After I wasn’t well on the online meeting, he decided to exclude me and just followed up separately with the person I was introducing him to. The whole thing fizzled out soon after because of that, Had I mentioned I felt so unwell but didn’t want to cancel him, it would probably have gone very differently, but then again it actually put me off wanting to support him with the project, so decided it was his loss!

Hope you feel better now. Although it was really upsetting, they are entitled to have a conversation between themselves, which is why they thought they were doing and it clearly wasn’t intended maliciously for you to hear and be upset about.

If you have to work with them ongoingly you could mention last time you weren’t feeling good last time or they’ll just get to experience with more sleep next time, hopefully!

I would be interested how you word such a calling out? Thank you.

If it was just the first comment, I’d let it slide, but the second comment, definitely complain.

Its alright them criticising your brains - they aren’t exactly geniuses are they? Who assumes someone can’t hear them on a Teams call?

100% say something! This sort of behaviour should be called out Every. Single. Time.

did you read the OP at all?
a) she didn't end the call to take the delivery, she paused it, with the intention of coming back, that's the whole point, if she had ended it she wouldn't have heard the comments.

b) she has specifically confirmed that answering the door is NOT unprofessional in her workplace.

You have to be pretty obtuse and/or inexperienced to not understand that different workplaces have different cultures, norms, etiquette and things that are accepted/not. It's not a one-size fits all thing. How arrogant do you have to be to assume that you, a complete stranger, knows OP's own workplace better than she does.

c) even in a different workplace where it would be considered unprofessional, it would surely never be considered AS unprofessional (and just downright stupid) as to make insulting and misogynistic comments about a colleague when they were likely still in earshot!

Can you really confirm that you heard them correctly and it was about you and you can recall it word for word?

You are saying you had a bad night sleep, muddled your side of the business call and then suddenly while in the call, could hear the doorbell. You quickly left the call to answer it. Then you say DH is shouting he will get the door.

With all this going on, suddenly bright and alert you heard this conversation clear as a bell. That your work colleagues are complimenting your looks how great you look (after a bad night’s sleep too).

🤔

In what way was OP unprofessional?

I’m quite surprised to see so many comments on colleagues answering the door or dealing with disturbances in their vicinity. This is surely just part of the challenge of WFH, in most cases. Obviously different if one is interviewing, or conducting a therapy session, or remote legal proceedings or something like that. But in most contexts, a minute or two out isn’t a big deal. What should people do, just ignore the doorbell, or a barking dog? Wouldn’t that be more of a distraction as it’s quite difficult to hear and concentrate. Answering the phone or dealing with something non-pressing is taking it too far, but dealing with a noisy distraction and immediately returning to the call seems perfectly normal to me.

Report that’s not on

The comments about looks was really not appropriate. However, the ones about the call being hard work was fair enough - that was their perception of how it was going and it’s reasonable for them to have that opinion and express it. You clearly weren’t performing great and it had an impact.

Not performing your best on any given day is absolutely no excuse for those blatantly sexist comments. I don't know exactly what I would do in that situation but I wouldn't be saying 'ah well I maybe deserved a bit since I was off my game' as some people have suggested. Ffs

I would take some of it as honest feedback, you said yourself you didn't present yourself in your best light on the call. If I was on a call with people It does all sound very unprofessional, I'm not sure I would prioritise opening a door for a courier over being present in the meeting. Especially as the people you are meeting sound like colleagues you do not know or work with.

Personally I would take it as a bit of unfiltered honest feedback and use it to change my game and ensure I come across better next time I'm meeting those outside of my team.

At the time, I would have pulled them up myself and said something there and then to hint that I knew what they said and leave them feeling awkward.