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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex wants to take son to new partners

114 replies

Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:03

I know legally he doesn't have to provide an address, however my ex has asked if he can have my son one night and he will stay in his new gf's house (of 5.5 months) with her 3 children.

I would assume that she has a 2 bed so not sure if a bed would be available for him, I asked him if he would be sleeping in a bed and my ex ignored me and then sent a message saying
" It's not your business my new gf's address nor who will be sleeping where, he will be well looked after"

I've never met her, he initially lied about her name and whether she had children or not.
I have since found out that her children spend a lot of time at MGMs house (that's what my ex meant by not in her care)
He's also moved in now, last week.
Previously my ex used to take our son to PGMs house for 1 night EOW but he said now he's moved in he wants our son to stay there.

I haven't said yes or no yet, I'm a little concerned. AIBU to say no

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 10/04/2025 12:06

I wouldn't want to know her address but I would I would want to know the sleeping arrangements

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2025 12:08

Your ex is the child's dad I presume.

He has full responsibility of his child whilst the child is in his care. His responsibility. Whether he lives with his mum, gm, gf, it doesn't matter, he has parental responsibility.

You do not need to know the address, the gf name, who will be there. Kindly - its fk all to do with you.

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:09

@Hayley1256 he previously told me she lived in west London but a few days ago told me she doesn't. I don't want her full address but it would be nice to know whether my son was in North, East or still in south London (I'm in Kent)

He seems to think I don't deserve to know sleeping arrangements, they will work it out he said.
He doesn't communicate with me, very very difficult

OP posts:
ItsNearlyEaster · 10/04/2025 12:11

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2025 12:08

Your ex is the child's dad I presume.

He has full responsibility of his child whilst the child is in his care. His responsibility. Whether he lives with his mum, gm, gf, it doesn't matter, he has parental responsibility.

You do not need to know the address, the gf name, who will be there. Kindly - its fk all to do with you.

But safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and op has a right to make sure her child is safe.

OP I would tell the school what's going on. They'll be able to keep an evidence log for you, should you (God forbid) ever need SS involvement ❤️ if he won't cooperate just objectively let the school know what is going on. xx

DownWhichOfLate · 10/04/2025 12:12

Depends on your son’s age?

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:12

@toomuchfaff so if working it out means my 4.5 year old son is sleeping on a sofa in a strange home (which he has let happen before in his PGM home so he and his new GF can have sex in the bed, left him alone downstairs) that's f all to do with me?

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 10/04/2025 12:12

Can you prevent him from having his son? Does he do the same to you?

You should get access court ordered so everyone knows where they stand.

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:13

@DownWhichOfLate 4.5, on ADHD waiting list as well

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 10/04/2025 12:13

Is your son happy to go there? At 4.5 years he can communicate how he feels.

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2025 12:14

Think about a role reversal, would you be happy if he was demanding the same details of you (if you had a new partner and wanted to spend nights there, and he was demanding to know what, when, where, who... )

An unreasonable request is an unreasonable request, he either has parental responsibility or he doesn't.

You can stipulate what you expect, but he doesn't have to adhere to it.

Unless it's something like a life threatening allergy obviously!

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/04/2025 12:14

If he’s difficult but trustworthy enough to have been the person you chose to father your DC and to have contact with him now, you need to let it wash over you a bit. If he’s trying to play games then he’ll get less satisfaction from you saying “okay, I wish you’d tell me a basic location just so I know where DC is, but I trust you so just get on with it” than fighting over addresses and beds, neither of which you can make him provide. For one night, a camp bed, sofa or sleepover style improvised bed arrangements isn’t the end of the world for a young child - I slept on numerous sofas and floors when staying with aunts and uncles and family friends and at sleepovers, and he may well enjoy sharing if he gets on with the new girlfriend’s children.

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:14

@SeventeenClovesOfGarlic I've arranged medation 3 times, he's refused I've sent court papers to his address, told me I'm wasting my time.
He wants to do everything on his terms, if I don't play ball then he makes my life difficult. I'm dealing with narcissistic man sadly

OP posts:
SpainToday · 10/04/2025 12:15

OP I would tell the school what's going on. They'll be able to keep an evidence log for you, should you (God forbid) ever need SS involvement ❤️ if he won't cooperate just objectively let the school know what is going on. xx

Will the school really be bothered the child's father has a new girlfriend or wish to keep evidence of it??

ItsNearlyEaster · 10/04/2025 12:17

SpainToday · 10/04/2025 12:15

OP I would tell the school what's going on. They'll be able to keep an evidence log for you, should you (God forbid) ever need SS involvement ❤️ if he won't cooperate just objectively let the school know what is going on. xx

Will the school really be bothered the child's father has a new girlfriend or wish to keep evidence of it??

I work in a school and we do. Especially if a parent told us that the other parent is hostile and not easy to communicate with. Schools these days have computerised safeguarding records that log anything of concern.

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:18

@toomuchfaff he doesn't do anything, he doesn't get involved with parenting, he hasn't seen his son for 4 weeks and doesn't pay maintenance, I have a CMS claim ongoing as he's fraudulently claiming benefits not declaring income, he's at work right now. Going off topic a bit but I understand what your trying to say.

If I say anything to him, he doesn't listen and doesn't respond to any texts so I've just given up.

I stopped calling him, he stopped calling me until Monday then he asked to see our son for 1 night to take to his gf house

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 10/04/2025 12:18

SpainToday · 10/04/2025 12:15

OP I would tell the school what's going on. They'll be able to keep an evidence log for you, should you (God forbid) ever need SS involvement ❤️ if he won't cooperate just objectively let the school know what is going on. xx

Will the school really be bothered the child's father has a new girlfriend or wish to keep evidence of it??

I can't work out what that poster means, do they mean OP should phone the child's school and let them know her ex is dating someone? Confused

jsku · 10/04/2025 12:21

For me, it all depends. Starting with your child - how old is he, and what does he want?

I’d probably start by documenting everything - and sending him an email stating that you are looking after your child’s best interests. And as he is proposing to change the existing de-facto child arrangements, you need to discuss and agree the new ones.

And to do that - you need to understand what ex is proposing. So he needs to state clearly what arrangements the child will have - where he will be sleeping, and what facilities will he have.
I’d then reiterate that this information is important for any changes in child arrangements, as your child’s wellbeing is your one and only concern. And that you will only agree to any changes to the arrangements IF that information is provided.

This wont have legal meaning - but at least will show to him that he needs to think about what he is doing. And if he doesn't start cooperating and being open - you can simply cut contact, and his only choice will be to take you to court - and that takes time and effort.

You probably don’t want to escalate to that extent - but get him to be sensible.

Bigfatsunandclouds · 10/04/2025 12:22

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/04/2025 12:14

If he’s difficult but trustworthy enough to have been the person you chose to father your DC and to have contact with him now, you need to let it wash over you a bit. If he’s trying to play games then he’ll get less satisfaction from you saying “okay, I wish you’d tell me a basic location just so I know where DC is, but I trust you so just get on with it” than fighting over addresses and beds, neither of which you can make him provide. For one night, a camp bed, sofa or sleepover style improvised bed arrangements isn’t the end of the world for a young child - I slept on numerous sofas and floors when staying with aunts and uncles and family friends and at sleepovers, and he may well enjoy sharing if he gets on with the new girlfriend’s children.

Edited

I think the dad has moved in there now so this is a permanent arrangement. I would want to know he's got a bed and not sharing with a teen for example.

OP I wouldn't like this without knowing some more information but I don't think legally you'd get very far. You could withhold contact but this may go against you if he goes to court so wouldn't recommend.

Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 10/04/2025 12:25

pure based on how long they have been together I would say no, he shouldn’t even be introduced yet.
What if he moves on to the next one in a month? Will he be going there too?

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:35

@Bigfatsunandclouds he won't go court, told me I'm wasting my time to send papers.
He wants everything on his terms.

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsCat · 10/04/2025 12:36

I would not let my son go and stay under these circumstances.

AncoraAmarena · 10/04/2025 12:40

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 10/04/2025 12:36

I would not let my son go and stay under these circumstances.

No, neither would I.

Derbee · 10/04/2025 12:40

Shocked at how many people are saying it’s none of your business. Your son is only 4, and you are clearly the primary career. Of course it’s your business.

I personally wouldn’t allow it. I’d say no overnight stays, until there is a stable and reasonable place for your son to potentially stay. A new girlfriend of 5 months, he’s already moved in, she’s already got loads of children. It all sounds awful.

So many of these men are happy for an overnight stay to minimise CMS, but don’t actually give any thought to how well it suits their child.

Theunamedcat · 10/04/2025 12:41

He can just show up and collect him from school if he is on the birth certificate

Do you know her name?

I've dealt with exes before like this mine was an extreme case where his girlfriend actually didn't have custody of her own children for extremely good reasons children's services put forward the recommendation that he see his kids without her around it was bloody awful to deal with

Her not wanting you to have her address sounds like he is setting you up to be the crazy ex by the way

Mumble12 · 10/04/2025 12:42

I always think people that reply with "its none of your business" haven't been in this situation themselves. It absolutely is your business. I presume if your ex asked where your children where at any given time, you would provide that information, so this is no different.

Being separated doesn't mean you only care about your children and their wellbeing when they are with you.

Too many parents are desperate to shoehorn their children into their new lives. A single parent with 3 children is unlikely to have a spare bedroom for your son, so sleeping arrangements are relevant and worthy of being discussed. Just because your ex wants to share a bed with this woman, doesn't mean your (plural before someone tells me he is both of yours!) son wants to share one with her children.