Ex wants to take son to new partners

[Mummaonherown]

I know legally he doesn't have to provide an address, however my ex has asked if he can have my son one night and he will stay in his new gf's house (of 5.5 months) with her 3 children.

I would assume that she has a 2 bed so not sure if a bed would be available for him, I asked him if he would be sleeping in a bed and my ex ignored me and then sent a message saying
" It's not your business my new gf's address nor who will be sleeping where, he will be well looked after"

I've never met her, he initially lied about her name and whether she had children or not.
I have since found out that her children spend a lot of time at MGMs house (that's what my ex meant by not in her care)
He's also moved in now, last week.
Previously my ex used to take our son to PGMs house for 1 night EOW but he said now he's moved in he wants our son to stay there.

I haven't said yes or no yet, I'm a little concerned. AIBU to say no

I’d tell him it’s not happening. He hasn’t seen your little boy for a month or more, and suddenly he’s meant to stay overnight in a strange place? Fuck that.

Is he on the birth certificate? I’d take steps to ensure he can’t just collect your son from school etc or take him away. If he won’t go to court, it might make it easier for you to achieve this?

Just say no then and make him available to see him but not staying there. He's not bothered in a month so doubt he'll be overly fussed.

@Theunamedcat he hasn't picked him up from preschool in 2 months, hasn't bothered to ask to do so, I have no worries there.
He lied about her name, I found out the truth, he's lied about her alot.

@Derbee that's what I'm thinking, he doesn't do anything, doesn't ring nursery or downloaded the app to see how he's getting on in his day, they upload everything he does and his progress, he's not interested.
It seems he's only interested when she's got something going on (family events) so he can "show" him off
He calls maybe once a week if that, I stopped chasing as I had enough and he called after 8 days.
Refuses to do mediation, refuses to go to court and refuses to pay

Don't give him access to your son. I wouldn't send a child who hasn't seen his other parent for a month for overnight contact at a strangers house.

He sounds like a dick. You’re well within your rights to make decisions based on what you believe is best for your little boy. You’re the one who knows him best.

I would absolutely want an address. When we were in court for child arrangements, my ex was told quite clearly to give me an address and we didn’t even have overnights! Child is SN.

I would be asking for a formal court ordered arrangement personally. At 4, with possible SN, he wouldn’t be going to a strangers house that his father has known for 5 months.

If you've sent court papers... does he actually get a choice? Surely you just attend anyway and get what you need?

Yes I had all this bollocks. Wanted to take my SEN 2 year old on holiday with OW within weeks of leaving so he could impress all her friends with what a great dad he was. He was totally hands off. He abandoned him eventually. I went through court and got a clear and very limited contact order which he didn’t stick to for five seconds 🤷🏻‍♀️

If there has been any mention of ‘not in her care’ and her children always being at their grandparents, i would want to know if they have been removed from her by SS and therefore it wouldn’t be suitable for him to go there. Anyone who moves their new partner in after 5 months is not a great parent.
if I were you, I would ask for her name and address and if he says no, then just say no, and if he wants contact with his child he can take you to court.

Not a chance in hell would I let my 4-year-old stay at a stranger’s house if the exH had a history of unpredictable/unreliable behaviour. Courts would not deem it appropriate to introduce a new “partner” and have overnight stays after such a short relationship. YANBU - ignore the embittered F4J plants posters on here who are implying otherwise.

If he doesn’t cooperate, you will get an order that suits you so don’t hesitate to crack on with that. Just get it done.

Withholding the address without good reason could be seen as him impeding your ability to fulfil your parental responsibilities, and for safeguarding reasons it is important to be clear that the boy must have his own bed (sharing with just dad would be ok, but not when another woman is there, sharing with random children is not ok). I think it's best for you to see a solicitor and write to ex that he can have access but may not have overnights until there is a mediation agreement or a court order with clarity over suitable timings and living arrangements that ensure your child's welfare is taken into account.

He’s 4 years old with a parent who drops in when he feels like it. It’s every fucking thing to do with OP. Jesus.

That's good then. Just ignore all contact going forward and block him. He's not actively parenting, he's not providing for his child. He may well be putting him at risk. He's not actually bringing anything but future misery to his child's life.
He won't take you to to court. Plan for solo parenting going forward.

In that case tell him to run and jump. He can't just dip in and out of being a parent to impress the new gf.

@LittleOwl153 I sent them on Friday. He refused medation 3 times so the mediator signed the c100 and sent to me.

I spoke with my solicitor, she obviously knows alot more and she said she would just leave it, as she believes he will just completely disappear in the next year or so, I also think the same.

He's an equal parent, he doesn't fall foul of any safeguarding concerns here.

I’m surprised people are saying it’s got nothing to do with you. I’m am not separated and my children are much older than yours, but even if they go on a sleepover at a friends house (that I don’t know) I still know the address of where they are. I don’t delve into the sleeping arrangements though. Why would this not be the case for all parents- regardless of age, marriage status etc? I wouldn’t expect to have that knowledge removed from me just because I’m not with their father anymore?

I guess the nuance is if you are trying to block access and using this as an excuse (which I don’t think it sounds like you are).

IMO you are well within your rights to expect to know where your child is, but leave the sleeping arrangements and care to your ex. Perhaps if you come at if from that angle you can all move forward?

I’m surprised at some responses. He’s 4. You don’t know this other adult. You don’t know why her children are not living with her. You don’t know whether your son will have a bed or a sleeping bag somewhere or if he will be expected to share a bed with someone he doesn’t know. None of that sounds good.

@TheFormidableMrsC this is what my solicitor thinks will happen, he'll just disappear, especially when another baby arrives.

He called about 30 mins ago wanting to speak to him, my goes preschool 51 weeks a year and has done since he was 11 months as I had to go back to work.
Asked where he was, told him nursery he said "but it's half term" he must have got confused with her children as they are school age (primary) how could you forget such a small thing as that. I might be overthinking it but it just shows how much of an interest he has/had

Actually I'd disagree. Having your child sleepover with a new partner of 5.5 months and their 3 children is a safeguarding concern as a parent. Maybe not by law, but not expressing an interest in where your children are is concerning to me. Two people that think 5.5 months is a suitable time period to bring 4 kids into the equation isn't making decisions in the best interests of the child really.

New partners can be abusive, or have awful pasts. Are we really saying the other parent has no right to ask about that if their ex deems them to be OK?

They can ask but they have no right to know. Just as he has no right to know who OPs shagging or living in the house.

If he won't go to court, just tell him No and leave it at that.
If he wants access he'll need to take you to court at which time, you can ask for an access order, and have it documented that your child needs his own bed.

But from your description, I suspect your ex won't be bothered.

A child going to a sleepover with a friend and being in the presence of his other parent at the home they live in are very different things.