Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take son to new partners

114 replies

Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:03

I know legally he doesn't have to provide an address, however my ex has asked if he can have my son one night and he will stay in his new gf's house (of 5.5 months) with her 3 children.

I would assume that she has a 2 bed so not sure if a bed would be available for him, I asked him if he would be sleeping in a bed and my ex ignored me and then sent a message saying
" It's not your business my new gf's address nor who will be sleeping where, he will be well looked after"

I've never met her, he initially lied about her name and whether she had children or not.
I have since found out that her children spend a lot of time at MGMs house (that's what my ex meant by not in her care)
He's also moved in now, last week.
Previously my ex used to take our son to PGMs house for 1 night EOW but he said now he's moved in he wants our son to stay there.

I haven't said yes or no yet, I'm a little concerned. AIBU to say no

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaonherown · 11/04/2025 20:10

@SallyD00lally 💯 he's already committing benefit fraud himself, see my previous posts so it wouldn't surprise me. He's getting close to 3.5k a month with his rent paid by the government due to fraud, and he doesn't pay a penny to his son.

I reported him back in January as it was blocking my child maintenance claim. The man is vile, she must think she's won. He's not a prize I want back

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 11/04/2025 20:17

There is so much shit and wrong advice on this thread. OP, the bottom line is he doesn’t take your child until there is a contact order. If he won’t cooperate with court then there won’t be a contact order. Setting him up email addresses, trying to coax an absolute loser into being a decent parent is never going to work. Just cut off contact with him. If he cares about his child which is clearly doesn’t, he’ll respond to the C100 won’t he?

In the meantime, continue to report him for benefit fraud. Also report him to HMRC every month. Eventually they will catch up with him. He is not going to pay maintenance out of the goodness of his heart. Prepare to be a lone parent and thank the Lord you’ve escaped this prick.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:43

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2025 12:08

Your ex is the child's dad I presume.

He has full responsibility of his child whilst the child is in his care. His responsibility. Whether he lives with his mum, gm, gf, it doesn't matter, he has parental responsibility.

You do not need to know the address, the gf name, who will be there. Kindly - its fk all to do with you.

But she doesn't have to send him there if she doesn't feel her son will be safe and comfortable unless she's been court ordered to do so. And if dad does take her to mediation/court he'll have to explain to the mediators/ court (and mum will hear) what the appropriate sleeping arrangements will be.
Although of course he could just collect child from school - it depends which night he usually goes there and when and where dad collects him from op.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:44

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2025 12:14

Think about a role reversal, would you be happy if he was demanding the same details of you (if you had a new partner and wanted to spend nights there, and he was demanding to know what, when, where, who... )

An unreasonable request is an unreasonable request, he either has parental responsibility or he doesn't.

You can stipulate what you expect, but he doesn't have to adhere to it.

Unless it's something like a life threatening allergy obviously!

I'm sure if op moved in with a man she'd known less than six months and his three children in a two bed home her ex would have a lot to say about it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:45

Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 12:14

@SeventeenClovesOfGarlic I've arranged medation 3 times, he's refused I've sent court papers to his address, told me I'm wasting my time.
He wants to do everything on his terms, if I don't play ball then he makes my life difficult. I'm dealing with narcissistic man sadly

Well if he won't attend court then there's nothing he can do if you don't allow your son to go

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:46

SpainToday · 10/04/2025 12:15

OP I would tell the school what's going on. They'll be able to keep an evidence log for you, should you (God forbid) ever need SS involvement ❤️ if he won't cooperate just objectively let the school know what is going on. xx

Will the school really be bothered the child's father has a new girlfriend or wish to keep evidence of it??

If it's on a school night they would care if he was sleeping in strange new home where he doesn't have a bedroom

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:50

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/04/2025 12:59

I would absolutely want an address. When we were in court for child arrangements, my ex was told quite clearly to give me an address and we didn’t even have overnights! Child is SN.

I would be asking for a formal court ordered arrangement personally. At 4, with possible SN, he wouldn’t be going to a strangers house that his father has known for 5 months.

I don't think a court order will help op.
She'll get court ordered to make her child available but then this useless lump will only show up every so often and she'll have to stick to it even if dads been away for ages and child is now uncomfortable going. And she'll also get ordered for child to do every other Xmas and you bet this dad will want 'his' Xmas days and take ops child away from her for special occasions like that

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:51

GRex · 10/04/2025 13:13

Withholding the address without good reason could be seen as him impeding your ability to fulfil your parental responsibilities, and for safeguarding reasons it is important to be clear that the boy must have his own bed (sharing with just dad would be ok, but not when another woman is there, sharing with random children is not ok). I think it's best for you to see a solicitor and write to ex that he can have access but may not have overnights until there is a mediation agreement or a court order with clarity over suitable timings and living arrangements that ensure your child's welfare is taken into account.

Don't advise a single mum to waste this money on a. Solicitor

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:53

VincentofJazz · 10/04/2025 13:23

I’m surprised people are saying it’s got nothing to do with you. I’m am not separated and my children are much older than yours, but even if they go on a sleepover at a friends house (that I don’t know) I still know the address of where they are. I don’t delve into the sleeping arrangements though. Why would this not be the case for all parents- regardless of age, marriage status etc? I wouldn’t expect to have that knowledge removed from me just because I’m not with their father anymore?

I guess the nuance is if you are trying to block access and using this as an excuse (which I don’t think it sounds like you are).

IMO you are well within your rights to expect to know where your child is, but leave the sleeping arrangements and care to your ex. Perhaps if you come at if from that angle you can all move forward?

Only if her ex was trustworthy and sensible but doesn't sound like he is. What if her child is sexually abused by the gfs children? She needs to know who is there in the house with them

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:54

Mummaonherown · 10/04/2025 13:32

@TheFormidableMrsC this is what my solicitor thinks will happen, he'll just disappear, especially when another baby arrives.

He called about 30 mins ago wanting to speak to him, my goes preschool 51 weeks a year and has done since he was 11 months as I had to go back to work.
Asked where he was, told him nursery he said "but it's half term" he must have got confused with her children as they are school age (primary) how could you forget such a small thing as that. I might be overthinking it but it just shows how much of an interest he has/had

It'll be because he doesn't pay the bills does he

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:55

Cantbesure · 10/04/2025 16:47

I had some good advice from a friend once that I found hard to take. And it was to say yeh sure and then see what action they actually took. It already sounds like he CBA. And perhaps his main goal is to upset and control you. It’s worth considering.

Not in writing as she would totally undermine herself

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:56

DorothyStorm · 10/04/2025 19:45

He has loved in with someone he has been dating for 5 and a half months. And she has three kids? Fucking hell what a shitshow this is going to be.

but sadly, you have no right to say no.

She has every right to keep her child at home unless a court orders her otherwise she can just say no he's not going

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/04/2025 23:59

Mummaonherown · 11/04/2025 08:36

@pimplebum my friend suggested a tracker as he lies about where he is and won't answer the phone of an evening at bedtime even though we agreed that I could call him before he goes to sleep. I'll definitely look into a tracker though

If you put an apple tag on your son it'll alert dad's phone don't do that. But if your son was to accidentally pack an air pod in his rucksack?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/04/2025 00:00

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/04/2025 20:17

There is so much shit and wrong advice on this thread. OP, the bottom line is he doesn’t take your child until there is a contact order. If he won’t cooperate with court then there won’t be a contact order. Setting him up email addresses, trying to coax an absolute loser into being a decent parent is never going to work. Just cut off contact with him. If he cares about his child which is clearly doesn’t, he’ll respond to the C100 won’t he?

In the meantime, continue to report him for benefit fraud. Also report him to HMRC every month. Eventually they will catch up with him. He is not going to pay maintenance out of the goodness of his heart. Prepare to be a lone parent and thank the Lord you’ve escaped this prick.

THIS is the only sensible advice on here

New posts on this thread. Refresh page