Birthday present - single “supplement”?

[KewTitles]

My cousin is turning 60 soon and is hosting a big family party. Unfortunately I can’t attend as I’m on holiday.

As I won’t be there, my mum asked if I’d like to contribute to a present along with her and my dad, my brother and SIL. The plan is to get Amazon vouchers rather than a physical present, so there’s no set amount involved. My mum asked if I was happy to give £20, which l said was fine. She then said, “That works out nicely, doesn’t it? £60 for a 60th birthday.”

I said she’d added up wrong - £20 each would be £100. She seemed confused and said, “No, it’s definitely £60 - £20 from you, £20 from me and your dad and £20 from your brother and SIL”. Basically she’s not treating us as five people for the purposes of the split, but three units; two couples and me. So I pay twice as much.

I said I didn’t think this was very fair. My mum said, “Well, of course you don’t have to give £20 - I just thought it made a nice number.” I said I understood the idea, but that wasn’t the point; the point was I as one person was expected to contribute the same amount as a couple.

AIBU? On one hand, as I’m perfectly happy to give £20 and would have definitely spent that or more on a physical present, maybe I shouldn’t worry about what anyone else is giving. But it’s the principle of the thing - the fact that I’m expected to give the same on my own as two adults (and it’s my own family expecting it!) Also if we’re giving £60 between five of us, TBH I think it looks a bit stingy; plus it looks like I only spent £12, when actually the rest of my immediate family spent less than that per person.

Am I entitled to be annoyed by this? And should I just say to my parents and brother that they can put together and I’ll get my cousin something myself?

But she's not being asked to contribute twice the amount. She's contributing the same as the other givers - her DB and her DM, the other two relatives who are giving the gift.

The other people wouldn't give OP's cousin a gift in their own right, so obviously shouldn't be expected to pay for a gift that they have no interest in giving. Perhaps their names shouldn't be on the card, but they certainly shouldn't be expected to subsidise OP, DB and DM's decision to give a gift to their own relative.

It's not your problem that couples potentially have twice as much family to buy presents for in exactly the same way that it's not their problem there's only one of you. I expect your SIL will be starting her own thread about the 'couple supplement' she has to pay for being married to a bloke whose family expects her to get book vouchers for all his cousins.

What utter hogwash, and totally illogical.

Five adults should contribute equally. If the gift costs £60, that’s £12 per giver.

Not £20 per household to the disadvantage of the solo dweller. Gifts are given by individual, not by household unit.

Okay, but surely the issue here is that couples blithely and arrogantly put each other's name on the card, as though they're one unit rather than individual people. Obviously I don't really think the SIL thinks she has to give gifts to her DH's cousin. Because she's clearly not going to. The OP seems to think she is, though. OP's dad is another matter - though I'm not convinced my dad ever knew who all my mum's cousins were, and certainly wouldn't have thought to give them a present. She'd still have put his name on the card though.

Your SIL wouldn't be buying him a present otherwise though, her name is just being put down for politeness.

Also if she was actually putting her hand in her pocket for £10 of the £20 she'd also surely be paying £10 of the £20 to her equivalent relative on their birthday and your brother the same.

So each of them pays £20 total anyway just as they would if single and buying only for their own family.

You are being unreasonable. I would not expect DH to contribute towards my families presents, and I don't contribute towards his.

You only have your cousin to buy for, whilst your DB's family potentially have DSIS's cousins/family members to buy for as well.

You are being daft, @KewTitles . The people actually giving the gift are those related to the cousin - your brother, your mum and you.

The card will include your father and SIL because it can look a bit 'off' signing a card and leaving your father's name off, for example - it might look like a snub.

When I send gifts to my side of the family I sign it from both. DH does the same to his family. The only times I'd sign from me and not both are if we have both bought gifts and sign our own names, or if it's someone who doesn't know DH.

You aren't being penalised for being single. You are being expected to contribute equally as a relative of the birthday person.

It depends how you normally buy presents in your family. Do your Mum and Dad buy a present each for you when it’s your birthday? Do your brother and sister in law do the same for you? In most families people tend to give joint presents I think. My Mum and Dad buy me a single gift from both of them, but I buy them one each (but they’re from myself and DH). DH doesn’t buy my mum a separate gift, same as I don’t buy DH’s sister a present, we give her a joint one.

Just contribute an amount equivalent to what you’d normally spend on a gift.

A married couple is a single financial unit. Unless your mum and dad would give separate cards, which would be weird unless they were separated, they are a single unit.

You sound weirdly tight and petty frankly. I have a friend like this. When we all went away for a weekend and hired a house, we split the cost of the house per head. So she paid less per household / room, but the same per head as the rest of us. She still moaned about getting the smallest room though. Bet you'd be like that!

The gift is effectively from you, your brother and your mum. Your dad and SIL are only involved by association.

They shouldn't, and I didn't say they should. What a weird way to misunderstand a simple point.

This. I’ve been in a relationship with DH since the 90s, and I’ve never contributed to any of his family’s presents, nor he to mine.

I don't necessarily agree with the OP re. gift giving - as others have pointed out, in a couple you are basically still buying for all your own relatives and your partner is still buying for all of theirs, so financially it's the same as if they were both single buying for your own relatives. (But a bit cheeky if they actually all know the person and it's meant to be a gift from them all.)

However, of course on a holiday each person should pay the same! It's not tight to want to pay the same as the other adults. What's tight is wanting to pay less than a single person just because you happen to be in a couple.

It's even worse if you look at the bigger picture and consider how much more expensive life is being single - your rent/mortgage and bills aren't halved compared to a couple! So a single person will, on average, already have a lot less spare money than each individual in a couple. (Yes, the single person could be millionaire, but equally so could someone in a couple - before anyone gives that straw man argument!)

How am I tight when I’m the one paying more than anyone else? Think that one through a bit.

I'd be annoyed about the principle, but if I was happy to pay £20+ in the first place, I would pay up.
Also I would point out to your Mum that this way of thinking is unfair of single people when larger sums are concerned.

You are paying the same as your mum and your brother. The other people on the card are not buying the gift, because they aren’t family to the cousin.

The PP has a good point who said that this is the Mum's relative who is having the birthday, so Mum and the two siblings are sharing the cost of the present and the partners are sticking their names on the card. But that is not what Mum said!!

That doesn’t make me tight though, does it?

And it’s ridiculous to say my dad isn’t family to someone he has treated as a niece since she was 10.

It doesn't make it unfair that the people directly related to the cousin are all paying the same though, just because you don't live with someone.

Flip it round. How would you feel if you were married and your brother was single and your mum said "you need to put in £40 cos DB doesn't have a wife"?

Flip it round. How would you feel if you were married and your brother was single and your mum said "you need to put in £40 cos DB doesn't have a wife"?

I'm baffled as to why you think it’s different “flipped round”.

I'm baffled as to why you think your brother wouldn't feel like he was the one hard done by if your mum told him he had to find double the input because ause you are single.

Because the fact I have a DH does not weigh into what I put into a family gift. I put in, not him, because they're my relative.

I'm baffled as to why you think your brother wouldn't feel like he was the one hard done by if your mum told him he had to find double the input because ause you are single.

Because it’s not some sort of penalty for having a partner. It’s expecting a per person contribution.

Why would your sister in law want to contribute to a gift for a cousin-in-law? That’s not even a thing.

They’ve known one another for 25 years. She’s stayed at her house. It’s not like I’m talking about a girlfriend of three weeks here.