Birthday present - single “supplement”?

[KewTitles]

My cousin is turning 60 soon and is hosting a big family party. Unfortunately I can’t attend as I’m on holiday.

As I won’t be there, my mum asked if I’d like to contribute to a present along with her and my dad, my brother and SIL. The plan is to get Amazon vouchers rather than a physical present, so there’s no set amount involved. My mum asked if I was happy to give £20, which l said was fine. She then said, “That works out nicely, doesn’t it? £60 for a 60th birthday.”

I said she’d added up wrong - £20 each would be £100. She seemed confused and said, “No, it’s definitely £60 - £20 from you, £20 from me and your dad and £20 from your brother and SIL”. Basically she’s not treating us as five people for the purposes of the split, but three units; two couples and me. So I pay twice as much.

I said I didn’t think this was very fair. My mum said, “Well, of course you don’t have to give £20 - I just thought it made a nice number.” I said I understood the idea, but that wasn’t the point; the point was I as one person was expected to contribute the same amount as a couple.

AIBU? On one hand, as I’m perfectly happy to give £20 and would have definitely spent that or more on a physical present, maybe I shouldn’t worry about what anyone else is giving. But it’s the principle of the thing - the fact that I’m expected to give the same on my own as two adults (and it’s my own family expecting it!) Also if we’re giving £60 between five of us, TBH I think it looks a bit stingy; plus it looks like I only spent £12, when actually the rest of my immediate family spent less than that per person.

Am I entitled to be annoyed by this? And should I just say to my parents and brother that they can put together and I’ll get my cousin something myself?

YANBU.

Sooooooooo tired of single, childfree people being the cash cows for everyone else.

The majority of people are in couples, so the majority of people will reply that YABU. But they are wrong, and YANBU.

Tell your mum you’re happy to pay £10, and if she wants to make the present up to £60, then at least one of the couples are going to have to each put in the £10 that she’s also asking for from you.

I’m sure she didn’t even think about it, but she’s being outrageous honestly.

I mean my nuclear family in this household, not siblings and parents.

I think that's fair as obviously the couples are going to get put in jointly end if the contribution amount is £20 then the couples are going to put that in a we couple and you on your own. I don't get the issue tbh.

As PP says it would likely be one part of the couple of technically puts it in eg if it were my DH family he would put in the £20 and if it were mine then I'd pay. We wouldn't both put in £20.

Such a non issue it was supposed to be a nice gesture that you’re making about yourself? Why?

Because couples have two incomes (or could if they chose to) from which to generate the £20…

Because couples have two incomes (or could if they chose to) from which to generate the £20…

Yes but they have two lots of extended family to budget for, so it's still one income per set of extended family.

A gesture where I’m twice as nice as everyone else?

If it’s all about the nice gesture, why are they only being nice to the tune of £10 per head?

Not. My. Problem.

Just give your cousin the £20 Amazon voucher from just you. Let the others put together to give £40.

You were probably better off saying £200 instead of £20 to get people to understand your point. I sympathise as a single person and having to buy equivalent value presents for my coupled friends and children etc.

I wouldn't care

Bloody hell. That's very cheap from a group of 5 people for one present ????

Gave DPs younger sister 100 quid and a few things worth up to 50 from just us !

I think you are being unreasonable as others have said the gift is coming from relatives the parters are just a name on a card. If you don’t like it get a card and gift what you want and stay away from family gifts. It’s different if the person receiving the gift would buy for the parters/spouse's etc then I would say they should contribute more. Or if the receiver buys for kids etc.

the restaurant / rounds thing is very different as then it’s 2 people that are benefiting from the meal/drinks etc so it should be per person.

@KewTitles a very strange world view… but different strokes for different folks I guess?

Why should singles subsidize that!? How absurd.

Why would a sister in law contribute to a gift of a cousin in law?

The relatives are dad, brother, you. Yes, an inlaw would probably go on the card, but there's no "single supplement" involved.

Or rather, there's no "married supplement" involved where a couple need to pay double the gift contribution for a birthday.

I don't even buy most of my own cousins birthday gifts, let alone DH's! And they certainly don't ever have to buy anything for me.

Is it their problem that you're single and therefore think your brother should double his outgoings?

Just give your twenty quid separately. There is no point in joining together if it’s just Amazon vouchers.

Or don’t give at all. If you can’t attend the event, you won’t be expected to give a present.

But your brother has to contribute to SIL family too - so they have twice the people to pay for.

I really think it’s a non-issue. As your mum said, just pay what you want to pay.

Yes, somebody’s already made the twice the people argument but it doesn’t work unless the families are the same size. I know at least one couple where one is an only child with one or two cousins & the other has loads of siblings & a big extended family.

that’s totally irrelevant. He might have kids or eat more food, too, while OP may have pets to support or lots of friends to buy for. We all have our own individual expenses and budgets.

The point is that in this instance OP is being asked to contribute twice as much as the other adults. That’s unfair.

Then the op should just contribute what she’s comfortable with or buy her own gift.