Birthday present - single “supplement”?

[KewTitles]

My cousin is turning 60 soon and is hosting a big family party. Unfortunately I can’t attend as I’m on holiday.

As I won’t be there, my mum asked if I’d like to contribute to a present along with her and my dad, my brother and SIL. The plan is to get Amazon vouchers rather than a physical present, so there’s no set amount involved. My mum asked if I was happy to give £20, which l said was fine. She then said, “That works out nicely, doesn’t it? £60 for a 60th birthday.”

I said she’d added up wrong - £20 each would be £100. She seemed confused and said, “No, it’s definitely £60 - £20 from you, £20 from me and your dad and £20 from your brother and SIL”. Basically she’s not treating us as five people for the purposes of the split, but three units; two couples and me. So I pay twice as much.

I said I didn’t think this was very fair. My mum said, “Well, of course you don’t have to give £20 - I just thought it made a nice number.” I said I understood the idea, but that wasn’t the point; the point was I as one person was expected to contribute the same amount as a couple.

AIBU? On one hand, as I’m perfectly happy to give £20 and would have definitely spent that or more on a physical present, maybe I shouldn’t worry about what anyone else is giving. But it’s the principle of the thing - the fact that I’m expected to give the same on my own as two adults (and it’s my own family expecting it!) Also if we’re giving £60 between five of us, TBH I think it looks a bit stingy; plus it looks like I only spent £12, when actually the rest of my immediate family spent less than that per person.

Am I entitled to be annoyed by this? And should I just say to my parents and brother that they can put together and I’ll get my cousin something myself?

YANBU. If it’s a joint present, they shouldn’t expect a single person to be contributing the same as a couple. And I agree with you that £80 from all of you is a more reasonable present from a group of five people. As long as you can afford it, of course.

Sorry I mean £100!

I get why you are annoyed. As the single one in the family gift giving costs me a bloody fortune. I have to buy for both my parents, brother, sister-in-law, their kids and only get 2 gifts back, over the course of a year I would get 4 gifts, but purchase 14. Pisses me right off year in year out. This is just another version of that.

If you weren't doing a joint present, would you expect your SIL and your Dad to go out and buy a present for this relative just from them? If they would actually do that, then they should contribute. However, I suspect not, and therefore their names on the card are just a formality - it's pretty obvious that the gift is really from you, your DB and your DM.

This.

I was single a LONG time and am attuned to the tax, but this isn't it.

But it's just a simple divide. Do you expect her mum to take the £60 and divide proportionally to actual or possible income or something?

This is simple and fair.

But £10 or £20 pp would also be a simple divide.

When I got together with DH my budget for gifts didn't double. You were happy to give £20, do you think you would have been happy to give £40 if you'd been in a relationship? Do you think that as and when you find a life partner you will suddenly double your spending for all birthdays and Christmases? (Including you contributing similar amounts to all your new DP's family as you currently do for your own).

Sorry I think yabu. The supplement that couples pay is that they will have on average twice the number of people to buy gifts for as single people do. It all evens out.

It would be a simple divide, but I imagine your dad and SIL are simply going to decline to make their own separate contribution. I wouldn’t make a contribution additional to DH’s for one of DH’s cousins. That’s why most people see it as per household: the non relatives aren’t giving in their own right. But you can certainly divide it your way in your own head, and put in £10.

Well I wouldn't ask DH to give me a tenner either!!!

Buy joint family gifts for parents, siblings etc. Any group of people who give you one gift between them, give one gift back.

But your SIL wouldn't be buying your cousin a present, and probably neither would your Dad. You, your DB and your DM would.

If you really are so petty as to resent your SIL and your DDad's name being on the card, say that. But it's unreasonable to expect people to buy presents for their partner's cousins, and generally that wouldn't be expected.

Okay, so of course the single person supplement exists, and I've experienced it myself when I was single. Things like hotel rooms, which cost as much for one person as two. But for family gifts I don't think it's relevant. You might put both names on the card, but most people are sorting their own families. And when you get together with someone, you potentially double the amount of relatives anyway, theirs as well as yours, so there's no 'discount' for being in a couple. Also, your attitude to gifts might be completely different. I buy quite expensive presents for my one nephew. My DP has six nieces and nephews, so she gets them smaller things. I don't buy presents for my cousins at all, so if I were your SIL I certainly wouldn't be putting money into my husband's cousin's gift.

That’s how I viewed it, per blood relative.

Are you really not understanding what people mean when they say that actually the gift is only from your mum / brother / you?

As a couple you have twice many gifts to make, in reality each person makes gifts to their side, they just sign the card with both names.
As a single person you only make gifts to your circle.
At the end, each individual will have spent the same amount.

I don’t buy presents for dh family and he doesn’t for mine. So either of us wouldn’t be contributing to the other family members present. We also have separate finances, so to me his your mum has arranged it is fair.

I struggle to see the issue here TBH. I mean surely this relates to anyone single or couples with no DC for example .£60 for a 60th is great.My childless cousin sent me £50 for my 50th . She has always sent presents for my DC .Will I send her something extra?This is surely an issue for you anyway ,a car run by you only ,house the same and so on .

This is how I would see it, you pay £20, your brother pays £20 and so does your mum.

DH puts my name on the gifts for his family but I don't contribute to them and visa verse.

Are you really not understanding what people mean when they say that actually the gift is only from your mum / brother / you?

You’re confusing not understanding with not agreeing.

YANBU. DHs siblings are both single and we always split combined gifts per person rather than per household for this very reason.

I've suffered this too. Was on holiday with a group and when it came to tipping the guide, someone in the group suggested £10 'each' - ie £10 for each couple and £10 for each single person. That was doubly annoying because the singles had already had to pay a single supplement for the holiday! YANBU

YANBU.
And I think £60 from 5 people is pretty tight, unless you’re not close to this cousin and you’re all very poor.
If I were you OP, I’d give my £20 separately.

I agree with you. I'd send my own pressie and get kudos for what I'd spent.. sounds unfair what family are proposing

This.

I contribute to my family things, we put mine and DH and DDs names, but it comes out of "my" disposable. And out of DHs for his family.

Aside from that, I often chip in more to cover the "difference" because my sister has a lot less money than me. I pay what I can, she pays what she can, doesn't matter that there's three in our unit and two in hers.

We just want to give our relatives nice presents or meals or whatever. Doesn't matter which of us pays the most.

Get your cousin something yourself, or sign the card twice!