Birthday present - single “supplement”?

[KewTitles]

My cousin is turning 60 soon and is hosting a big family party. Unfortunately I can’t attend as I’m on holiday.

As I won’t be there, my mum asked if I’d like to contribute to a present along with her and my dad, my brother and SIL. The plan is to get Amazon vouchers rather than a physical present, so there’s no set amount involved. My mum asked if I was happy to give £20, which l said was fine. She then said, “That works out nicely, doesn’t it? £60 for a 60th birthday.”

I said she’d added up wrong - £20 each would be £100. She seemed confused and said, “No, it’s definitely £60 - £20 from you, £20 from me and your dad and £20 from your brother and SIL”. Basically she’s not treating us as five people for the purposes of the split, but three units; two couples and me. So I pay twice as much.

I said I didn’t think this was very fair. My mum said, “Well, of course you don’t have to give £20 - I just thought it made a nice number.” I said I understood the idea, but that wasn’t the point; the point was I as one person was expected to contribute the same amount as a couple.

AIBU? On one hand, as I’m perfectly happy to give £20 and would have definitely spent that or more on a physical present, maybe I shouldn’t worry about what anyone else is giving. But it’s the principle of the thing - the fact that I’m expected to give the same on my own as two adults (and it’s my own family expecting it!) Also if we’re giving £60 between five of us, TBH I think it looks a bit stingy; plus it looks like I only spent £12, when actually the rest of my immediate family spent less than that per person.

Am I entitled to be annoyed by this? And should I just say to my parents and brother that they can put together and I’ll get my cousin something myself?

I'd have said

"It does make a nice number, and I'm happy to split it per person and contribute £10 (x6 is £60), but I'm not paying 1/3 of the contribution 😆"

Are they all earning?

I think that's different - and much less reasonable - because each half of that couple did benefit from the guide, so they should be contributing individually and in their own right. It seems unlikely that anyone would be paying for their partner's cousin's birthday off their own back, hence why they don't get included in the calculation.

And OP is making up the shortfall because if everyone except SIL paid £10, the gift would be £40 because 4 people are paying and 5 names signing the card (which looks tight AF).

If SIL isnt contributing (which is fair enough) and the same 4 people chipped in £20 then it would be 4x£20pp = £80 and signed by 5 people, which is fine.

@KewTitles why dont you send your voucher in with your card? they can show how mean they are by themselves!

but there aren't 6 people, only 5, so if everyone else only gave £10 it would only be £50 for a 60th. It would have to be £12 each to get to the £60 total.

I have to say, for the sake of £8 I cba arguing the toss, and as the birthday person I'd prefer £60 cash than five £12 bottles of wine or whatever.

As a pp has said, I am familiar with the single tax which is often unfair, but on occasions like this I'd think of it like others have said, contributions per blood family member with partners' names added on. You will be paying more for your actual family on this occasion, but your brother will be paying towards presents for his DWs aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, etc, all expenditure you don't have to worry about, so overall it works out roughly even.

If you were doing individual gifts rather than joint or in couples, would your Dad or your SIL buy your cousin a gift?

If not, they shouldn't contribute.

The only people contributing should be those who have a direct relationship with the recipient that is significantly strong enough that they would buy them a birthday gift in their own right.

If you really would feel more satisfied if SIL and Dad's names were removed from the card, then by all means insist on that. It seems very petty to me though.

I agree with you - each and every person should contribute the same for a joint present.

Yanbu. I get this all the time and it is really, really unjust. Too many examples to list individually, but I've had this for holiday contributions, wedding gifts, birthdays, Christmas presents, meals out... very, very annoying.

I also agree that £60 between 5 seems stingy and £100 would feel like a better "group" gift.

I think it’s money per household in this type of instance and really couldn’t get worked up about it . Do you get a Christmas gift from your mum and a separate one from your dad ?

If you really would feel more satisfied if SIL and Dad's names were removed from the card, then by all means insist on that. It seems very petty to me though.

I wouldn’t go that far! 😄

Yeah this type of thing is very annoying. My friends who are a couple always suggest we do rounds of drinks. Except they treat their round as 1 joint unit. So every time it’s my round I’m buying 2 drinks, then they as a joint will buy me 1. I hadn’t noticed for years, but now I have I can’t unsee it. And one of them always chooses a massively expensive cocktail! CFers.

Fair enough, but then why are you ignoring in your argument the fact that a couple will have twice as many gifts to make? Ie 2 persons gifting to 2 families vs 1 person gifting to one? If they each gave a contribution to every gift, it would cost them each twice what you spend.

Round of drinks is different though! Should definitely be per person. Same as the tour guide example above.

The twice as many gifts argument only works if both families are the same size.

When it’s your birthday do you usually get a gift from your SIL / BIL?

This isn't a single supplement. When you are with someone you also inherit their family so if you gave double to both families (as you think is fair) then that would be a couple supplement. If you don't want to give £20 or can't afford to just give £10. I don't think it needs to be an issue.
Edited later to update my maths. If my partner and I had 3 cousins each and my sister had 3 cousins but no partner then:
Each individual contributing £10 for each cousins birthday over the course of the year:
Couple- £120
Individual - £30
Each 'household' contributing £20 each for the cousins birthday:
Couple: £120
Individual £60

If you look at it like that then household contributions are fair.

Well yes of course all family are different, but high level:
Pre-DH I would buy christmas/birthday/life events gifts for my parents, brother and sister. So 3 birthday gifts a year, let’s say £20 each: 60£/y.

DH was buying for his parents and sister. 2 birthday gifts a year: 40£/year.

As a couple we now buy 5 gifts. If we were to spend £20 each for these gifts we would spend 200£, that is 100£ each. Our gift budget would be twice as much as it was when we were single!

Because it isn’t relevant to my issue. No one has said to me “You should put more in because your brother and SIL will have to buy for BIL’s niece too” - and in any case, why should that affect me?

That isn’t what people are saying. People are saying that in this scenario, there are three people - your mum, your brother, and you - who are all giving your respective nephew and cousin a joint gift comprising an equal contribution of £20 each. There’s no “single supplement” because whilst two of the people in the equation have a partner, those partners aren’t contributing because this isn’t their relative. They’ll sign their names in the card, because it’s a social norm, but it’s tacitly understood that people who aren’t related to you aren’t pulsed about buying you a present.

They are saying « you should put in the same as your brother and SIL combined as really the gift is only from your brother »

but it’s tacitly understood that people who aren’t related to you aren’t pulsed about buying you a present.

Am I an outlier for buying birthday presents for my brother’s & sister’s spouses?

So then the couples should be paying £24 and OP pay £12 but that’s not what’s happening

It’s probably more common if you have really good close relationships with them in your own right. (Or if you’re a woman in an unequal partnership where sorting out presents for your husband’s family is wife work because he doesn’t bother.) In our house, DH will usually say “what do you think my sister would like for her birthday?” and I might make a suggestion, but he’ll do the buying and wrapping. I don’t know many couples where a present for a partner’s cousin would be a joint enterprise.

You're right. I hadn't thought about the present thing carefully enough before I commented. Think I was just too keen to get my tipping grievance off my chest!

YANBU
I've stopped going out/ doing joint anything with my DB as he insists on splitting every thing 50/50 on the basis him and his wife have a joint bank account. Which they may well do, but there's also 2 adults earning money versus just me in my house.