Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

US etiquette is to send invites much later than is usual for UK. 4-6 weeks is standard.

Can’t help but wonder if it’s something to do with this 😄

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5308055-sister-pulled-out-of-organising-my-hen-without-telling-me-fist?page=9&reply=143338231

2.5k just on the hen do? Holy fuck!

OK I get that the Hen do was in Mexico as the bride is American and presumably quite a few of the friends are who attended. Were you (and the friend that you paid for) the only European attendees?

If it were me I think I would seriously consider whether this friendship has run its course (perhaps as well due to distance) and whether I could see a future as friends - and actually whether it still works for you with your own family etc.

Then I would consider whether I was going to bite the bullet and actually speak to the bride to be and have an adult conversation about it all. Depending how that conversation goes I would then judge whether I was prepared to still attend the wedding with the additional costs involved or get the credit on the flights.

Or if it was just so awful that you can't face any more I would just cancel out now and get the flight credit.

It depends how much you want to rescue the friendship or not. However, the Hen do sounds just awful with a lot of childish behaviour and not what you would have expected from woman of the age of 35 - 40.

Well, don’t confront, just mute the whatsapp group for the moment and delete it when you decide you want to. Have you actually RSVP’d anywhere to say you’re going to the wedding? All this save the date and sending the invites out 6 weeks (not 6 months) before the wedding totally confuses me, for all you know, after this disaster of a hen do, she’s already crossed you off the guest list in a fit of pique anyway, but out of politeness, I would find a way of letting her know that you are not intending to go to her wedding even if hell freezes over in the interim because you don’t want to run the risk of being detained, tortured and deported in the madness that border control has become under Trump.

🤣🤣🤣

brides only get to be bitchy if they’re paying for everything. So yes it’s a holiday for you.

It's reminding me of the bitchy bride and bridesmaids from Muriel's Wedding lol.

How about you give her a bi of Rhonda OP? "Bridezilla, I'd rather eat razor blades than come to your wedding".

Watch it if you haven't already OP - I'm sure it'll resonate.

This friendship has run its course. Save your energy, time and money for your family and friends.

I was bridesmaid for someone with similar behaviour to what you experienced. Turns out she didn't want to marry the guy and was miserable, but didn't tell anyone. She ended up leaving him less than a year later.

I agree with this.
Since when do people PAY to attend someone else's ego trip abroad?
When did that become an acceptable ask?

Did these overblown stag and hen dos coincide with the appearance of social media?

If the bride isn't paying, it IS a holiday.

lol, want to come on my ego trip to Spain? 😂

Hey OP

I am the poster who suggested you make a holiday of it and just slot her in. I see that you can't do this for logistical reasons so on that basis, I think you should duck out. And I also think that if you're really honest with yourself, you want to.

I would say that your problem to solve now is whether you are brave enough to officially duck out based on her behaviour, or if you'd be more comfortable finding a way to do it without causing a drama. I get that - I am a people pleaser too (it's a bloody curse).

This is an opportunity to make a stand and find a middle ground. Would you feel comfortable texting along the lines of:

Hey Bride

Now that I've been back a few days I have had some time to reflect on the Hen trip. You've made it clear that you are upset with me for leaving early, but I ask you to consider how shitty I must have been feeling to up and leave? I spent a lot of money to join you as I care for you and wanted to be part of your celebrations, only to have travelled half way round the world to have you spend the entire trip bitching, blaming and instructing me - along with most of the others. I get that weddings are stressful but I am sorry to say that your combative behaviour towards me left me hurt and pretty angry. As you know I covered the cost of XXX for the honeymoon, and was really struggling to scrape together a further £XXXX to fly to US for two days. And on the back of what happened in Mexico, I don't think it's the right thing to do. I truly hope you have an amazing wedding day and wish you well. I will leave it to you as to whether we can reconciile from this - I am definitely open to talking.

Best
Ex- Bridesmaid

Out of interest, has there been any post-Mexico chat on the bridesmaids groupchat?

i have been married 40 years. In my day if you wanted a "hen do" you arranged it yourself.
None of the stupid penis straws, sashes, t-shirts or 3 day shindigs.

Just realised you don't have an invitation yet? I'd decline, send a card and small gift and cool the friendship.

I’m sorry but you all sound completely insane, although you sound nice with it. Ridiculous amounts of money, ridiculous prima donna behaviour from all concerned. It sounds like you were trying to have a hen night which might be suitable for single 25 year olds, not mature professional women with children.

If you want to go to the wedding have an adult conversation with the bride first, or this crapfeste will just repeat itself. If you don’t care enough, just don’t go.

This.

I would cancel everything and if you still get an invite say "I'm so sorry, can't make it we've had to do some emergency works in the house. All the best!"

And let that friendship die. 4.5K for someone you might see twice a year and had the gaul to be so ungrateful to the people who did travel to her Hen. Gross.

Unless you’re very well off, I can’t understand spending so much for one person’s hen and wedding. TBH she sounds like 50/50 spoiled brat/bridezilla- I for one wouldn’t be spending another penny.

TBH I don’t think any genuinely friend would expect people to spend so much - unless they knew for certain that several grand was peanuts to everybody.

I’m considered fairly well off (esp by MN standards) and I wouldn’t spend £2500 for a 3 day break even for myself and DH as a treat! A grand all in for a luxury hotel and decent airline for flights is my absolute limit. No way a friend would even ask me to shell out that sort of money to join her on a hen weekend.

I feel others have covered this all at length already but I agree:

• it’s a huge amount of money, and that’s before the OP decided to cover for someone else from her own pocket, which is extremely generous
• It’s a really long distance to go for what sounds essentially like a long weekend
• Environmnetally flying to Mexico to the UK and back for 3 days is absolute insanity - but that’s a whole other thread!

I also agree the bride’s behaviour doesn’t sound at all pleasant or reasonable. However - if she wasn’t on the hen do whatsapp group I can understand her being hurt about being left out of the loop. Additionally, I agree with others who’ve said that expectations around this sort of thing are increasingly totally out of control. I can also see that someone could’ve organised something hen-do-y while you were there.

I wonder - not that this excuses any of the bride’s behaviour - but I note OP says the majority of attendees were 35-40 and exhausted mums. I’m wondering whether the bride feels, as perhaps one of the last to get married and go through all these milestones - that when it was everyone else’s turn in their 20s/pre-children - that she went above and beyond for everyone else - but now it’s her turn, and everyone else has “moved on”, she doesn’t get the same treatment.

I’m not saying it’s reasonable, or that it justifies her worst excesses, but I know people in my life who have felt this way (which isn’t to say they then acted out!!). But they have been able to verbalise that they have put in a huge amount of time/money/effort for other people which never gets reciprocated - and that stings.

Lastly, as others have said, I think you are expected at the wedding, but whether or not you go is up to you. I would say if you choose not go, however you dress it up to the bride, that will be the end of your friendship.

As the very last point - another thing that might be the death knell of your friendship is that this post is pretty detailed and outing - beware this may well get picked up and spread much further than you intended.

I wouldn't go to the wedding. But let her know now rather than last minute. You might have been uninvited anyway as you left the hen do early? Was she upset about that, I would think so?
I also think it's quite rude of people to drop out at the last minute, major emergencies excepted. No-one should be taking on their costs anyway, surely? And for no hen surprises to have been arranged for her is also a bit shit. I can see why she was disappointed, but its no excuse to be so nasty and controlling.
Spending 2.5 grand on a hen do is madness.

Ugh - just be thankful you aren’t the poor bloke she’s marrying.

I am also a people pleaser but had a hen do situation with one of my own dear friends, which we did resolve.

It was my friend's hen do and I was a bridesmaid. It was a weekend away in a lovely house with lots of women, including a night out on the Saturday night. I left the night out at midnight to go back to the house to go to bed as I was knackered - she felt very hurt that I had left while the do was still in full swing and there was an awful atmosphere between us for the rest of the weekend, and for weeks afterwards.
In the end we bit the bullet and spoke on the phone. It was a really really hard conversation but I held the line that I did not feel my actions were unreasonable so I would not apologise for wrongdoing, but that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. It was clear that we would never agree on our interpretation of what had happened, but we valued our 20 years of friendship so much that we decided to put the incident in a box and shut the lid, and move forwards.
We are still great friends to this day.

If you do value your friendship normally, and want to keep it, I'm sorry to say that you should call her up and have a really awkward and difficult conversation to see if you can save it. Nobody has to "win" or admit the other was right/they were wrong, but you need to talk about it. I also hate confrontation so I understand this is probably the last thing you want to do, but it could be worth it.

Hope you get sorted OP x

Also this

URGH.

Stop being friends with her. Don't go to the wedding. She sounds like the worst kind of immature attention seeker.