Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

Definitely cut your ever increasing losses and run. I cringe at the ridiculous idea of Hen and Stag 'do's'; particularly given age.

YANBU. You sound very generous paying as much as you did to start with, especially covering a guest who didn’t go.

For me, there is a much deeper issue behind all of this. I dislike and disagree with how extortionate hen dos and wedding have become, and the pressure this puts people under to ‘prove’ their friendship by spending thousands of pounds.

The pressure for the ‘perfect’ wedding has resulted in the bride clearly striving so much for the ‘perfect’ experience she feels entitled to that she’s actually failed to see how much you had all done or actually appreciate and enjoy any of it herself, which is a shame for everyone involved.

I think people years ago had more of a laugh just popping to the local for a few drinks and a laugh!

The first mistake you made was agreeing to go in the first place. I don't think you did anything wrong by leaving early given all you describe.

Here’s what I take from it…. She is insecure in herself, she put a lot of pressure on her hen do especially with it being abroad, her bridesmaids let her down massively and the people who pilled out last minute, meeting the stag lot wouldn’t of mattered if she was having a great time so that’s stuff is irrelevant.
I guess it’s a shame not one person in her friendship group can take her off for a walk or a private drink and say looks what’s going on here how can we help you, that’s a sign of good friendships. So I think you are all to blame in this.
You simply need to have a chat with her before the wedding, if not resolved then maybe wise to tell her you won’t be attending.
you can’t expect her to make the first call here, she’s massively overwhelmed with the wedding itself and then the hen do sounds like an absolute disaster. Give her some slack, she is being a diva but you need to be the bigger person here.

Been here (though not nearly as bad!). We were good friends then wedding prep started and an old friend of hers emerged who didn't like me much so I started being treated poorly. Put it down to bridezilla issues at the time but friendship never really recovered. She moved away and contact was scant. We now no longer talk which is awkward considering she is married to my husbands best friend.

Anyway, moral of the story is, I wouldn't bother shelling out more for the wedding. She sounds like an arse and are you likely to stay in contact long term?

@ohwhatisinaname I wouldn't go. You can rekindle the friendship later if you want to but she has behaved abysmally to all of you on something as stupid as a hen-do.

Thinking about it some more, @ohwhatisinaname, if you are going to have a conversation with the bride, you should probably be clear about what your boundaries are before you talk to her.

The way I see it is this. Taking just your relationship with the bride, and leaving everyone else out of the equation for a minute, there are two points of view.

Your point of view is that you spent £2500 on attending your friend's hen do in Mexico and she was horrible to you. She might have had her reasons for being upset, but none of those reasons were actually your fault and certainly didn't justify the way she treated you. You are now feeling extremely lukewarm about taking another transatlantic trip in two months' time to attend her wedding, with the same people who behaved horribly at the hen do, without your husband and family, and paying another £2000 for the privilege. If you cancel now you can recoup some of those costs. And you probably won't even get to spend much (if any) time with her at the wedding. But you've been friends for a long time and you're worried that if you don't go it will be the end of your friendship.

Her point of view is that she was looking forward to having an amazing hen do in Mexico, but it was a disappointment, and you left early, which probably felt like the cherry on the cake after several other people bailed at the last minute.

First of all - and this is going to sound rather transactional - you need to work out how much money you can recover by not going to the wedding. Say it's £1000.

Is maintaining this friendship worth £1000 to you?

It's OK if it's not. Friends come and go and maybe this friendship has reached the end of its natural lifespan.

If it's not worth £1000 to you, have that conversation with her but make it clear that you have decided not to attend the wedding. You hope she has a wonderful day and a happy marriage, and hopefully you'll catch up with her next time you're in NYC. Be prepared for this to be the end of your friendship.

If saving the friendship IS worth £1000 to you, it's not as simple as "suck it up, spend the money, go to the wedding to save the friendship" because friendship is a two way thing. If the truth is that she doesn't actually value your friendship, then there is nothing to save and you would be throwing good money after bad.

So if you are potentially willing to spend that £1000 to save the friendship, talk to her, hear her out, but also make it clear how hurt you are that she treated you the way she did after you spent so much money and effort on attending her hen do in Mexico, and that you would like her to acknowledge how much her behaviour has hurt you and apologise. If she does acknowledge her behaviour and apologise, then perhaps she's not an awful person, the friendship may be worth saving, and you may decide it is worth spending the money to still go to the wedding.

But you need to decide what your boundaries are first. There's no point in making her get down on her knees and beg for your forgiveness if you've already decided that it's not worth going to her wedding to save the friendship. If that's the case then just tell her that you've decided it's best you don't go, that you can no longer afford it after picking up the bill for the no show friend, and that you're not really keen on spending another weekend with her other friends. End the conversation by saying you hope that the two of you can still be friends, send her a card before her wedding day, and hope it all comes out in the wash.

And if she doesn't acknowledge her behaviour towards you and apologise, then please don't throw good money after bad and go to the wedding. A real friend would not treat you like this and feel no remorse. If saving your friendship is not worth a simple apology to her, then it certainly shouldn't be worth £1000 to you.

Pull out and then block her. Terrible behaviour.

It's a different world this. So much money frittered away...hen do in Mexico (ffs) and covering your no-show friend. Now another two grand for the wedding?!
This just wouldn't happen in my life. Even if I could afford it, I'd balk at the audacity of any bride expecting to covet so much of my income.

Still, here you are...the hen do turned sour and you're not sure where to go from here. A lot of people will tell you to fuck her off...and they might even be right. But she's your friend and it's your life and it's up to you how you feel about her.

I'd leave things for a week or so, just to allow time for the dust to settle. I might then send a text along the lines of...
"Hello you. What a shame the trip went south. I've been thinking about you. How are things?"
This gives her an opportunity to open up and repair. If she doesn't take it, you'll know where you stand.

The Mexico trip sounds dire. Lesson learned for you. x

Can you ask your friends if they've received an invite? I had this issue too, where I had a save the date but wasn't invited to the actual wedding! I realised that everyone had their invites except me!

Hen do sounds a nightmare. Think you were right to leave.
I would think politely decline the wedding (but would not have gone to a hen do like this in the first place). Suppose it partly depends if you want to splash the cash, but if you have to pay to keep the friendship you have to question whether it's a friendship worth keeping.

It’s April now @ohwhatisinaname

wedding in June

invites would be def sent by now surely for numbers for food /hotels etx

i got halfway through your post before giving up - sounds like hell and miserable way to spend 2.5k!

I joined mumsnet to comment on this!
I am the same age as you and this sounds like a nightmare!

for context I got married last year 37/F and I had a bridesmaid. She was trying to arrange a hen do for me. I told her either not to bother or just do something local. It ended up being five of us out for dinner and to a local spa (£70 a head or something). I knew everyone at this stage of life was busy and the world does not revolve around me 😂

I wonder if this would have been different if I too had not expierence this utter hen party nonsense in my 20s. Friends falling out as the bride percieved a lack of effort from a bridesmaid, extortionate costs up front then a ‘kitty’ on arrival needing to be paid, travel to and from for a weekend of bitchy comments like this.

When I was 29 or so I came away from a ‘weejebd away with the girls’ and was speaking very much like you. I was paranoid and deflated. Now several years on I look back and realise these woman were unhinged brats. It makes me angry that my integrity was questioned by a shit ‘friend’ who really was just projecting her own shit onto me (I am very kind, accepting and balanced so I have always been seen as an easy target). I continued these ‘friendships’ for a few more years. When the pandemic hit I was living alone and none of them bothered with me, would not have pissed on me if I was on fire. It was only at that point I fully realised what a waste of time and energy these people are. Save yourself the heartache of the inevitable and do not bother going to her wedding. I can guarentee you the liklihood of you hearing from her after attending will be low anyway. The sooner you cancel the less scatter damage will occur and she can invite someone else.

Also one thing I have noted, just through my own expierence is this - the bigger the hen party, the bigger the divorce.

Wow, what a story and what a nightmare! Obviously what you've told us here shows the absolute worst side of your friend, who presumably has some very positive qualities too. However she's behaved like an absolute arsehole here and that includes not replying to your departure message. She should feel privileged that she has a group of people who would spend thousands of pounds to travel to another country just to celebrate an event in her life. Of course people are going to treat it as a holiday when they get there; what else would it be?
It sounds as though she has other insecurities that fed into the stress of the hen, which was never going to live up to the extravagance of her expectations.
I guess you could send one more conciliatory message in case she's calmed down a bit and regrets the way she acted. Test the water a bit.
Pulling out of the wedding, if she still wants you to go, sounds as if it would end the friendship. But you'd be justified in doing so. I'd also leave the WhatsApp group.

Be like me (after many years of torturous "friend" weddings)..... I now only accept invites to immediate family weddings. I politely decline all others but I do give a generous gift in lieu of spending hundreds/thousands on the gig itself 😉. I refuse point blank to go to hens of friends either. Will make an exception for nieces and close cousins, but will go for one overnight only and will not go to the mad events. Just the dinner and drinks. I stick by my guns!

I think nowadays, the crazy extravagant weddings are ridiculous. It's OK for the B+G, but it's the financial and time/childcare pressures put on others that is unfair in the extreme IMV.

We have to speak out and refuse to use family money that could well be spent on more enjoyable things for all. I'm done with it.

I think it’s pointless talking to her until there is some time and space. At the minute her focus is 100% on the wedding and a friendship is probably neither here nor there for her. Plus her other friends will be goading her on about you leaving early.

I would send her a written card and express your regrets that you won’t be attending her wedding but wishing her all the very best and sending a generous gift ( yes I know, but she was invited to the wedding).

Then leave it for a year or so then get in touch again.

Some people become very different as a bride and it’s pointless discussing when she is in that moment.

going to the wedding would be sunk cost fallacy and pointless.

I was also just leave the whatsapp group with no comment
i did that for the weekend away group as above
we are all in the same profession sadly so it can with the usual gossip but it was worth it to not be involved with them long term

If you do want the save the friendship you need to reach out to the bride and have a conversation. Tell her you didn’t like the way she treated you, tell her why you left early and let her tell you her side of the story. You can’t just go tiptoeing around being scared she’s angry with you. Or decide you’re going to let it go.

If you can cancel and get a credit, do it.

the wedding will be EVEN WORSE, as the pressure will be immense and the hen do was bad enough

you would be the biggest idiot on earth to fly 6 hours to put yourself through more of this.

you’ve outgrown her, she’s not a friend any more. She’s not even the sort of person you’d choose as a friend if you met her today

cut the rope, drop it and focus on the big family trip.

Wait and see what feedback you get from your mole at the next 'do'. But honestly, I'd ring her if you want to try and maintain the friendship at all. Not going to the wedding will destroy the friendship totally. (well it wouldn't if she was reasonable - but she's clearly not being at all reasonable at the moment).

Good grief. Even if you’re all seriously rich, 5k on a hen do and wedding? 6hr flight away? When people have young kids at home?

Hen do sounds like hell. Your message was fine, and departure understandable, though I’d have probably endured to the end with lots of deep yoga breathing and dark humour.

Bride sounds seriously stressed. If you’re a good friend, forgive her for it if she’s not usually like that. Drop her a message pre-wedding to ask how she is and how it’s all going.

See how you feel after the wedding.

Just archive the chat

£4.5k for someone’s wedding travels? You were being unreasonable spending this in the first place. That’s absolutely mad. Stories like this make me glad I have hardly any “girlfriends” if this is what is expected of you. I can’t think of anything worse.

Fuck her, she is a Bridezilla. This term didn't come about for no reason.

• Expecting people for fork out thousands is unreasonable.
• Expecting people to not communicate unless she is involved is unreasonable.
• Expecting people to not make friends on holiday is unreasonable.
• Expecting guests to worship her is unreasonable.
• Criticising guests for their behaviour is unreasonable.

Getting married can bring out the absolute worst in women, covert narcissists just take their wedding and hen do as an opportunity to act like full blown egomaniacs because nobody can say anything. 'It's my party' and all that.

I think too many women have watched too many romcoms and get disappointed when real life doesn't turn out like that. My best friend got married last year, she did get quite demanding and pissed me off a few times, I told her straight she was being unhinged and made it clear what I was prepared or not prepared to do.

Getting married doesn't mean you have the ultimate power to make other people feel uncomfortable. I declined being a bridesmaid for this reason. I don't like my hair up, I don't like being dressed up by another person like a doll, I don't like anyone doing my makeup except me, I didn't want to stay at the hotel the night before and I didn't want to get ready with everyone else on the morning. We are in our 30s, I'm too old to be bullied into doing shit I don't want to do.

However, I did pay the £1k for the minibus to get us all to the hen do rather than driving up individually, I did arrange for the food shopping delivery to the property, I did help her pick out her wedding gown etc.

I would avoid this wedding like the plague if I were you.