Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

It’s sounds a nightmare and the money spent is insane.

However it was mean of certain people to meet separately without her during her hen do.

And no one bothered to do anything remotely hen-ish for her.

Sounds like she felt very alone and became increasingly upset and behaved atrociously.

To the people on this thread who keep quoting the original post from the OP, why do you do it? We all know what the thread is that we are replying to.

Exactly what i was thinking

This is more than I spent on my own wedding. Which was a lovely chilled day, with no drama. I'm baffled by the concept of a hen holiday I'll be honest (and even though I've come to accept that other people claim to enjoy it, most of the evidence seems to be to the contrary...)

Why on earth would you even consider shelling out more money to have an awkward/awful time at what's likely to be bridezilla central?

I think that people like her collect people pleasers like you as friends who they can push around however it suits them. In a phase of your life when you both wanted to do similar things this power dynamic maybe wasn’t too obvious and you had good times together, but now that you have other priorities and aren’t nearby, it means in her eyes you are turning into a bad friend who is more difficult to control.

I had a friend like this who cut me off for being a bad friend shortly after I got married. It was very very painful at the time and I felt a lot of guilt that maybe she was right that I had let her down, but I heard over the years through mutual friends that she’d done the same thing to other people after me, and I realised that it was all about her and her need to control people.

I would cut your losses, tell her you can’t come to the wedding, simplify your life, and spend your time with people who love and value you. You can’t please her no matter what you do, so it’s time to prioritise yourself.

I know that’s so called tradition but in this day and age I don’t actually know anyone who leaves it this late. It was fine in the last - only the closest to you were invited and everyone was local.
Over the years things have changed massively.
People often need to book time off work, arrange hotels and transport, often arrange childcare, and so much more.
For a destination wedding, or one where many of your guests will need to travel long distances, such a short time is ridiculous.

6 weeks means that you risk people not coming at all.

Save the Date cards are a silly idea too - just send a proper invitation out to your guests giving them ample time to make arrangements and RSvP.

Three no shows at the hen do speaks volumes ..... they managed to avoid what they probably knew would be a stress show.

If this woman stopped being your friend after this, how upset would you be?

I disagree totally. Save the Dates are to allow intended invitees time to get their ducks in a row, sort flights, childcare, accommodation etc. At this point there’s no pressure to confirm your attendance or not - this can all take some time and weighing up re: finances etc.
Once the invitations come out, much closer to the time, you need to make the final decision on whether you can and will actually attend. At that point there’s couple needs to start sorting table plans etc. so needs a final tally of guests.

Ok so costs wise, she's in the US and you're in the UK. Bonkers that invitations are so latebut if that's how it is, fair enough.

Sounds like the bride to be has been tricky company but I do see her points and why she was hurt, even if she handled it badly and absolutely none of it was your fault. I just think the whole thing was a shit show. She was left feeling excluded after loads of cancellations and instead of drawing together, the rest of the party (not saying you) centred the trip around a load of random blokes. Definitely not your fault and I'm sure they were trying to make the best of things but that doesn't sound like the best solution and I don't think they listed to the bride.

I don't actually blame the bride for feeling a bit shit if all these other meetups were happening without her and the organisation had broken down so much. Partly the hotel's fault, partly the MOH 's, partly hers, partly everyone's for not rallying round.

I would feel free to refuse the wedding on cost grounds unless 2 grand really is very little to you and if you want to save the friendship check in and see if she's ok separately.

Mexico for the hen? Who the bloody hell forces friends to spend that much on a hen do? Insane. No way should you spend more going to the wedding so she can tell you what a terrible person you are again. Jeez!

@findingnibbles Was thinking the same!

Op do you want to repair the friendship? If so id be asking her if there is an issue as she sounds quite unhappy.

You've already spent more on someone else's Hen than I spent on my entire wedding.

Crazy. She sounds like a complete cow, I'd be dropping out of the wedding ASAP and just cutting her off. Her behaviour was wild.

She's the maker of her own misery, ultimately.

She has clearly hyped up some enormous expectations of her hen and when it didn't turn out to be exactly that way she's thrown her toys, and a lot of bitchy comments, out of her pram.

I'd be messaging her to let her know that 2.5 grand is a lot of money for a hen, especially to then be spoken to like shit and gaslit to the point of feeling you had to leave early, and you're loathe to spend another 2 grand to attend the wedding when there is the risk of the same happening again.

She sounds utterly insufferable.

100%

Definitely wouldn't be dropping another couple of grand on this person.
Wouldn't have dropped £2.5k on a hen do either, though!

Good grief YANBU at all. The bride sounds an absolute nightmare. Just because it’s ‘her’ day doesn’t mean she gets to demand anything she wants and treat everyone like shit. I feel annoyed for you about how much it all cost.

She didn't to be fair. The bride and most of the other guests are from New York or thereabouts. Mexico would have been a lot cheaper for them plus the OPs costs included covering another friend's cancellation.

My hen is in July and I absolutely would not behave like the spoilt entitled brat she sounds like. Dump the relationship you don’t need people like that in your life

There have been cases of people receiving save the dates and then not being invited to the wedding though, or receiving a save the date and arranging travel/childcare/accommodation and then getting an evening only invitation.

No level of CF-ery would surprise me these days.

Hang on, I thought you said one person didn’t come because of work stuff. I don’t see how that leads to you covering her? Did she lose her job?

A couple of threads recently where people have received an invitation for the wedding ceremony, not the reception , and then the evening do!
So yes, there are a lot of cf people around.

I was going to say something like this. Realistically, even if the hen do was where the bride lived, the OP would have been doing a long haul flight.

It sounds as though this is a massive, elaborate US wedding. It may be that flying to Mexico really was considered a “normal” bachelorette - it’s probably no more than going to Nashville. Having said that, it sounds as though the bride and her friends are getting too old for a traditional bachelorette party - once half are pregnant or are parents then this stuff isn’t so fun.

If going to the wedding will cost another £2k, does that include the wedding present? Do they expect a large cash gift?

It’s up to you whether you go to the wedding. You may see it as an investment in an old friendship … but be prepared for the friendship to die regardless. If you don’t go, chalk up the £2.5k as the price of an interesting story about a disastrous hen do.

I would find spending £5k on someone’s bachelorette and wedding heartbreaking.

Fuck that, yanbu. Go home and block her.

Mexico is a very typical destination if she lives in the US. There is nothing unreasonable about that and the fact that you're from the UK and chose to go all that way is on you.

Choosing to pay for your friend is also on you.

Having a WhatsApp group without her while on the trip is crap.

Not organizing the usual bridal stuff is also crap. The club, etc also crap.

Leaving early from a 3 day holiday? Terrible of you.

I think she probably realized she doesn't really have any good friends who gave a shit and took it out on all of you.

She behaved badly but her group of friends is shit too. I don't think she deserves to be roasted so harshly.

If you can't even give her a call to talk through all of it, you're not really friends anyway.

I don't understand this style of female friendships.

None of these women sound like real friends to me. Maybe the one who cancelled for work reasons, given you covered her costs; but then there's something a bit off-kilter with those boundaries too.

I would reflect on who you have a genuine, present-day, heartfelt connection with, and who not, and prune your social circles accordingly. No need to attend the wedding of someone you've outgrown who treats you and everyone else appallingly.

Besides, she's missing the deeper meanings of relationship, engagement, and wedding, so the marriage will be over soon anyway, hopefully before any children arrive.