Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

Plenty of people do

I think it's truly horrendous not only making you all pay for an all inclusive holiday abroad in MEXICO but covering the cost for those who didn't attend! A long haul flight for 3 days for a hen? Alongside paying £££ for attending the wedding, presumably a financial gift, new outfits etc, paying for drinks at the wedding etc as many people are too stingy to even provide their guests with drinks. I don't understand this concept of all the bride's friends covering the costs, even for things they did not attend. If you want an expensive hen that involves using up the annual leave of others, you should bloody well pay for it!

I think the bride sounds stressed that 3 people bailed from her hen and nothing was organised. She clearly had an envisioned an instagram-worthy hen in which her bride tribe would be pandering to her every whim. Throw in a few inconvenient pregnancies resulting in friends not drinking/joining in the fun, the bride herself piling on the pounds and some seasickness resulting in people refusing to go on the boat trip, I don't agree with how she has gone about it but I can understand why from her perspective she may be upset. Her anger should be directed more towards her MOH than the rest of the group who actually showed up for her. I blame social media, it has given so many of us such unrealistic expectations for weddings and hens; so many expect their friends to put their entire lives on hold to celebrate their weddings.

It is always worth trying to fix broken relationships otherwise they hang over you - unless you are lucky enough to be genuinely cold hearted. Have you tried to talk? If so, and you got nowhere, you can let it go with a clear conscience.

I would not have left the resort early. Especially not after having paid so much money. And situations can change quite quickly when people are under emotional duress.

Even though the MOH was missing if you were good friends you would have worked together to make it a memorable Hen for the bride but you all treated it like your personal holidays and chose to see her as a bridezilla when she got upset. You blame her for disappearing at the club but think it is ok when you disappeared. She would have felt terrible.

No doubt everyone on MN will have your back because many love to demonise other women and cast them as a villain. Once they are so labelled any behaviour you mete out to them is deemed justifiable.

Team bridezilla.

I have not rtft.

Sadly you have more money than sense OP.
You shouldn't have covered the cost of anyone else.

Omg.
Drop the lot of them.
I can't believe what I've just read!...

These massive hen dos really sound like more trouble than they're worth. I'm also surprised at how much money people are prepared to spend to attend them at this stage in life. I do get that a cheap local one isn't a practical option for all guestlists though.

I always give brides a pass on their wedding day to make it about them. Hen do? Nope. It’s for everyone, especially given the cost. YANBU

This woman is not your friend. Don’t waste any more money or time on her.

No way I’d spend £2.5k on a 3 night friend’s hen do. That would be a family holiday for us. Sorry OP but you’re nuts forking that out on someone it doesn’t sound like don’t you have a great friendship with. I’d be cancelling the wedding if I were you!

Oh dear. Hopefully bride has lost a few friends through this! Serves her right. You're not wrong at all for leaving early, do not be a walkover. Bride sounds like a shit person tbh.

@ohwhatisinaname I think you should be honest with yourself about the friend who was a no show as well.

Can you elaborate on this part of the story? Because I think it sounds worthy of its very own CF thread.

Did you end up paying for her flight and hotel, or "just" the hotel? (Please tell me you didn't pay for her flight.)

What was the "bad work situation" that prevented her from attending?

Because the only "bad work situation" I can think of that might possibly justify bailing at the last minute and leaving her friend to pick up the bill is that she lost her job a few days before the hen and doesn't know when her next pay cheque will be. If that's the case, she should still offer to pay you back when she can, even if that's a year from now.

If she was forced to cancel her planned trip by her employer for a business related reason, why are you paying those costs and not her employer?

Assuming she has not actually lost her job, whether or not she could afford to spend/lose this money is a completely separate issue from the "bad work situation" which was the reason she gave for dropping out at the last minute.

£1000 is £1000.

It doesn't matter whether you spend £1000 on attending a very expensive hen do, or whether you set fire to twenty £50 notes and dance naked round the flames. It's still £1000 and it still takes you exactly the same amount of time to earn. If you can't afford £1000 for one reason, you can't afford it for the other reason either.

If she really couldn't afford to lose £1000, the reality is that she couldn't afford to go on the hen. And if that is genuinely the case then it sounds like the "bad work situation" is an excuse she has invented to avoid going and let someone else pick up the bill for the hotel room she couldn't afford but was contractually bound to pay for. If that is what she has done, and she really is a close friend of yours, she should have been honest with you and said, "Look, I'm really in the shit. I haven't got £1000 to pay for this hen and I don't know what to do. Is there any chance you could cover me or lend me the money?" Because it would have cost you exactly the same amount if she had come and you had paid for her, and you might have had a nicer time.

If she could afford to spend £1000 on attending the hen do, then she could also afford to lose £1000 on bailing out of the hen do at the last minute. In that case it's irrelevant whether the reason for bailing out at the last minute is because she actually did have a "bad work situation" or just that she didn't feel like going, or for any other reason. And what you are actually saying is that she could afford to spend £1000 on having a nice time, but she can't afford to flush £1000 down the toilet. Well, actually, she can. She just doesn't want to. That's understandable, but why should you waste £1000 of your own money so she doesn't have to waste £1000 of hers?

You do you, OP, but personally I could not be friends with someone who thought it was OK to put me in that situation.

If £4,500 is a significant amount of money to you, which it sounds like it is even if you can technically afford it, then £1000 (or however much you spent covering your no show friend's share) is not a small amount of money either.

You have a husband and children. Think about what you could have spent that money on as a family. A lovely weekend away with your husband in a really swanky hotel to have a break from the daily grind with children and reconnect as a couple. A long weekend at Center Parks with your whole family. A trip to London to see a show and stay overnight in a hotel. A year of swimming lessons or some other extra curricular activity for your kids. £500 in each of your children's bank accounts which can gain compound interest until they want to spend it on driving lessons. £1000 plus tax relief into your pension. A running away fund in case your marriage suddenly goes tits up and you need to leave your husband and get some quick and dirty legal advice.

Unless you are fabulously wealthy, which it doesn't sound like you are, you simply cannot afford to spend these amounts of money on so-called "friends" who treat you badly, instead of on the things and people who do matter.

YANB as it sounds like a shit show.
The poor organisation and lack of care and attention to detail from the organisers is at fault here.
If the bride wanted to organise it, she should have planned it better, or if it was her bridesmaids then it should have been them.
When I have been on group hen dos overseas, they have been really well planned, with itineraries, lunch and dinner bookings, nights out, transport, activities all given to everyone in a booklet with clear instructions on what is happening when, when we are meeting, when is down time, games time, what to bring, eg all wear blue, or theme night stuff.
Sounds like the bride expected everyone to turn up and this all to be done, but nothing was.
I would message her again and say you are sorry it was such a stressful weekeend for her, that why don't you go out for dinner or lunch as a mini hen just the two of you. If she responds then you know she just had a stressful weekend. If she doesnt then send another text saying you are not sure why she is not talking to you and you are not sure to cancel the wedding trip or not as you don't know if she wants to speak to you.

I'm sorry, but no one in their right mind would fly to Mexico from the UK for 3 nights!

Fuck me, whatever happened to just going on the lash in a sash in your hometown? Bloody 3 day holiday abroad for a hen do? Barking.

Actually I am thinkimg about this in more detail now, how in the world did the bride manage to convince a large number of people to fly to mexico for three days. It just sounds utterly bonkers.

If the bride is based in the US then it's probably the equivalent of going on a hen to do Paris or Barcelona if you live in the UK.

The OP should have said, "Sorry, I can't make it!" though.

I think you need to put your big girl pants on and give her a call and don’t stop until you get through and actually talk to her. Having been in a similar situation and not doing this, and now years have past and it’s too late, I regret just not addressing it at the time on the phone (or face to face but obviously not possible). As a people pleaser unless you actually talk to her and hash it out you will probably spend way too many hours ruminating about this otherwise. Just call her and then keep calling at appropriate for time zone times of day until she picks up and then discuss.

At the end of the day, despite her being bridezilla etc you did leave her hen do early (it was only 3 nights so leaving 1 night early is 1/3 of the trip!) so she will understandably be quite hurt by this - you can explain yourself to reduce the hurt, even if you don’t want to apologise/grovel.

I was thinking this sounded like the script to a drama. But I saw it more as a c5 series with Sheridan Smith as the bride.

I think it’s to give people enough time to make arrangements if they need to, but without the pressure of definitively saying they will be attending or not. When the invitation arrives, THEN you have to let them know if you are going, or can’t make it.

Oh, I see. Thanks

I totally agree with this. If she’s usually lovely then she was probably mightily pissed off that three people dropped out last minute, one of them being her sister and that none of the other bridesmaids/friends bothered to organise anything for her. Feeling like she’s being left out too, was probably the icing on top of the cake for her. And of course, you leaving early too! Are you surprised she hasn’t replied to you?!
That’s no excuse for speaking badly to people though but I can see her side of things too.
Oh and as others have said, there’s no way I’d have travelled that far and with that cost for someone I only see a couple of times a year!

I think you should just say unfortunately I cannot come to the wedding as the way you (the bride) behaved to me on the hen do upset me so much.

It might give her the kick up the bum she needs to stop being a bridezilla.
And as for the 15 year friendship - do you want another 15 years of being treated unpleasantly?

Did you tell her you were leaving early? Did you tell her why?

I think she’s upset over the fall-out with her sister.
No Hen activities would have been disappointing.

But it's not on to take our your frustration about the people who dropped out on someone who travelled from another continent to be there, picked up the bill for one of the drop outs so everyone else didn't have to, and generally made a big effort.

There's being a good friend and then there's being a mug. The OP left early because she had reached her limit, which is hardly surprising given the way the bride and the other hens behaved towards her.

If the bride is such a lovely person then she should be mortified that the OP felt the need to leave early and she should have reached out to her to apologise for her nasty behaviour.