Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

Just cancel the flights and concentrate on your own family. It all sounds ridiculous. If asked, just say that you used your ‘wedding flights money’ to cover the costs of woman who didn’t go to Hen do.

I don't care if she lives next door! Asking people who then feel obliged to attend is pretty outrageous given the cost OP quoted. NYC to Mexico isn't round the corner.

This sort of thing will keep happening until "hens" learn to say no tbh.

I wouldn't even have entertained it let alone pay for a no show!

I do feel a bit for the bride tbh.

Although once her sister stepped down perhaps she should have taken the reins herself to make sure that what she wanted was organised

Asking people who then feel obliged to attend is pretty outrageous

But why do people feel obliged?

I wonder what the Bride's point of view is. If you've been friends with her for 15 years, presumably she must be a relatively decent person. She's asked a lot and it sounds like she hasn't handled things well, but there doesn't sound like there's much evidence of anyone being there for her, celebrating her or talking her down, so she's probably getting emotional, wound up and flipping out. There's so much pressure on weddings, hen do's etc and she probably feels a bit insecure that her closest friends and family members have dropped out, left her out then would rather make arrangements with a bunch of strangers than hang out with her on her own hen do. Yes everyone has spent a lot of money, but exhausted mums potentially taking the opportunity for a break with their mates rather than for her specifically? Fair enough but still. Sounds like she didn't have a great time herself.

It's so sad how quickly people would encourage you to drop out of her wedding and end the friendship over a single event, ignoring the 15 years of friendship. God forbid any of us can have a second chance. Yes she sounds like she behaved poorly, was everyone else perfect in this scenario or just wound her up more by their own behaviour? Sounds like she's come out fighting to deal with her hurt to me.

Marriage for Bridezillas

Humans have evolved over millenia to pay attention to what is new and changing in our environment.

If you want to be the centre of attention, if you want your upcoming marriage to be the novelty everyone else is focusing on, then host your bridal shower in the local cafe or pub or park or community hall or similar backdrop we have all been to many times before. Then you and your exciting news will have our rapt attention. For an hour or so. We'll ask about your frock, give some bawdy advice, toast your marriage, wish you well. Job done.

If you want to pretend to be so super special that we must all go on a multi-day expedition to an exotic location, just to celebrate you, so your socials look good, then we are all going to pay attention to what is new and interesting in our surroundings, and that will not be you. This will be normal, natural, highly-evolved behaviour on our part.

Choose, plan accordingly, and accept the inevitable outcome with grace.

If your life is ruined by the lack of a polyester sash or balloon penis then you are not mature enough to be getting married anyway.

This was my first thought! I pity her future DH!!

I would absolutely swerve this one.

I would send her a message to clear the air and allow her an out/ plant the seed that I may politely decline.

"Hi bridezilla, hope you enjoyed the rest of the trip. It was good to see you but I was definitely missing home by the end - guess clubbing is not really my thing. Just thinking about the wedding and trying to get the dates to work with flights/ work etc as we have a family trip to planned too. Am doing everything I can to move things around and sort childcare etc - adulthood is hard! Be really wonderful to catch up properly soon"

Definitely cut your losses and don't bother with the wedding.

You could write a book about it but the bride is murdered- who did it? There are so many candidates.

Much too polite.

"After your fucking shitty bridezilla behaviour and making a very expensive and much needed break pretty shit for all concerned I have decided to cut my losses and will not be spending a further penny on your wedding, saving me about three grand in the process. Have a nice life."

This is funny but entirely plausible. Don’t know whether to 🤣 or 😥.

@HelloSunshine346 the bride, I presume.

@chaosmaker no, someone who lives in this part of the world and knows that Mexico is a pretty standard hen do destination. I've also been to quite a few of these and the description by the OP does sound off and like everyone was just a bit rubbish.

Personally, I didn't have a hen do as I was older and couldn't be arsed with the whole thing or a big wedding but if you agree to go, the whole point is to make an effort for the bride. I have been to a couple in my pre-baby days and even though I wasn't a bridesmaid, I knew full well why I was there and made a real effort with my friends. How much money and effort it takes is on you to decide whether it's worth it.

You really can't blame the bride for you choosing to spend 5k on the hen and wedding. If you can afford it and want to go, you go. If you can't, you don't go. But don't be a wimp, agree to go, make little effort while there and then resent it. It's childish.

She didn't force anyone , they weren't obliged at all. It was a lot but they didn't have to go. It was shitty that so many pulled out then the whole thing disintegrated into hanging around with the first blokes to show an interest (not saying the OP).

Wild horses would not drag me to her wedding now.

I just can’t imagine leaving early? How is that possible unless you have flexible flights? At worse you’d have a tactical headache to avoid the last night out?

The friendship is not worth it.

Tell her to redo her invitation list on the off chance you're still on it or ever were on it. Don't say why.

Wish her a long and happy marriage.

Her fiance has his work cut out for him.

No, not in the US. Invitations are sent 6 weeks before the wedding at the earliest. The save the date cards are sent well in advance so people can decide what they're going to do when the invitation finally arrives.

Also, the £2000 - £3000 for a hen do is par for the course if it involves travel and decent accommodation, even within the US, and travel for the wedding would also set you back $$$$, depending on where the wedding was and how far you had to travel. Hence the rehearsal dinner the night before where out of town guests and the close IL families get fed and watered by the couple.

One of my DDs has been a bridesmaid several times and calculates she's spent the equivalent of a down payment on a condo on travel, clothes, shoes, and accommodation for hens and weddings. If she ever gets married herself it will be a city hall do with a meal at a pizza joint afterwards.

Sorry just catching up on these. I've been home with a toddler who is too sick to go to nursery, but not sick enough to be asleep all day, while also having to work. Fun times!

In response to a few items:

1. The bride was absolutely in the group message, the first night she used it to arrange drinks in her room, after that she didn't respond on it to anyone. Some people like myself only knew one or two of the group, so used it to get ready together etc, which she apparently didn't like, and we were told by the bride's BFF to stop messaging our hangout plans (though they were "everyone can come" type messages).
2. Agree that the MOH/bridesmaids didn't try to do any of the planning and are at fault here mostly. The hotel set up the bride's room the first day and left some straw hats, bags and wine for the party. That was the extent of the hen do feel. The other bridesmaids (I am not one) should have stepped up and planned more typical bride events when the MOH didn't come. I wasn't included in any planning, so wouldn't know what if anything was planned.
3. I assume the bride has been pressuring the MOH her behind the scenes/acting like a diva at home, but who honestly knows. Maybe the behaviour started at the hen do, but I find that hard to believe. It is probably a little from the hen do disappointment and a little from general wedding bridezilla.
4. The cost is absurd, I wouldn't do that again. I do go to NYC for work 1-2 times a year so usually see my friends from living there at nights etc. This trip was directly paid for by me. It was my choice, and it was my choice to pay for our mutual friend. Those are sunk costs in my opinion. I'm honestly more upset at being away from my family, missing days with my children, and then having it be miserable.
5. Weddings and hen dos in the US are a much bigger deal I think. Though the instagram friendly side has gotten out of control everywhere.
6. I agree that I could have grinned and beared the last day and not left, but I had had enough by then. The atmosphere was awful, and when she purposefully ignored me, and then ignored the messsage an hour later I just wanted to be back in my safe space at home. The group message from the other bridesmaid yesterday with the link to an example of women lifting other women up really set me off as I am 99% sure that it was about me. It is an iphone message group with an android user there somewhere so I can't see an easy way to leave the chat without it flagging.
7. I also have a strong suspicion that this wedding will end in divorce after a year/two. If she is acting like this to her friends, and has made it abundently clear she hates her in laws, I can only imagine what she is putting the groom through at home with the planning/high maintenance demands.

Going to try to respond to a few messages here when the plague ridden toddler lets me. Thanks everyone.

It's always difficult when expectations are high and there's a whole industry encouraging women to have high expectations of weddings and being the bride.

You didn't do anything wrong here OP. I think it's tricky when you've got a group of people all spread out and made up of people that don't all know each other. You're never going to get the same atmosphere as a group of girlfriends in a feel good movie

God OP, sounds awful. Who in their right mind treats people like that.

She'll probably be divorced before you know it so save your money and draw your true friends and family around you.

You do not owe her your time or equilibrium.

I still think her bridesmaids and friends (to a lesser extent) let her down. Following a stag do you’ve just met is awful, I don’t blame her for getting upset with that. You should have said no at the start if you didn’t want to spend the money or travel that far, it’s not like the distance and cost was a surprise. Did you speak to her about what was going on at all?

What a bridezilla, control freak. and primadonna! Don't understand why you are friends with this person....her behaviour and attitude were/are atrocious. Shesounds like a nightmare to be around and I can only pity her fiancé! You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about....

Best comment so far! Hear hear!

Sorry! Flights to the wedding?

cancel the friendship immediately. What on earth?