AIBU to go for a 3rd child?

[Onthefence87]

I am so consumed by the decision of whether to have a 3rd child (have been thinking about it basically every day for about 2 yrs) and feel time is running out to make our minds up, but how on earth do we make a decision? I know nobody can make it for us but based on these pros and cons, would you or wouldn't you?

Pros;
-I'm healthy, had 2 great pregnancies and relatively good births (1st I did have a minor PPH due to a tear and needed blood transfusions)
-Very involved hands on DH, who is an amazing dad and husband and is keen for another, if I'm on board.

• Have £££££ in inheritance/family savings which can be accessed whenever needed to give extra support financially.
• DH and i have stable jobs, mine is fairly flexible I can work from home and it's a family friendly profession.I would work part time 2/3 days until all children in school.
• We have alot of love to give- our existing daughters are our life focus.They are incredibly doted upon, invested in and despite us not being particularly well off they want for nothing and live a privelidged lifestyle.
• We don't have close families (DH) or big families (me) and sadly there have been some fall outs with DH's side which mean that our children are the only kids their age in the family and they don't see quite alot of their relatives. So feel a pro would be extending the network for our children.
• I don't obviously feel 'done' with having babies. I sold some toddler clothes on vinted last month but had to stop after as i can't bring myself to touch the baby ones- all the baby stuff is still in the attic and I am usually ruthless about getting rid of stuff so wonder if that's a sign I'm not ready to draw the line. I sometimes imagine looking back in afew years with a comfortable, easy life but having an awful stab of regret that I traded material bonuses such as nicer cars and holidays for another little person for us all to love and have as part of our family forever, and that I would feel really shallow for doing that, but it would be too late to change our decision.
• The sibling relationship is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (despite ours arguing at times!)...I feel like I want to recreate even more of it (I know its not all roses but we are a very close loving family so hope a 3rd would share all that too) I was an only child so maybe this feels extra magical.

Cons;
-We have quite a small rented house- 3 bed semi, so two kids would always have to share for foreseeable future (might be able to have 4 bed one day, but no guarantees)

• Had a miscarriage before each child so abit concerned that could happen again. One of the miscarriages was with triplets so slightly concerned that might increase my risk of having multiples another time!
• Part of me struggles to imagine going through the intense physical and emotional process of pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, worry over baby's fragility with safety/health and endless breastfeeding again. I'm also scared about potential health risks to me and prospective baby during pregnancy/birth partly due to my age, and of me dying in childbirth although I know that's rare now.
• Unsure how a baby would impact on opportunities and family dynamic for older two who are 3 and 8....if a 3rd would come between them or hold them back, and would DH and I spend alot of time divided to meet different needs (although 8yo only just turned 8 and is quite young & playful, so still likes many of the activities 3yo does)
• Costs- we are a low-ish income family and although I know the essentials would always be covered fine, another child would mean less extra curricular clubs, abroad holidays, visits to expensive attractions/meals out etc and less spent on birthday/Xmas presents & parties. Me and DH it might be having hair coloured at hairdressers or not having a gym membership, that sort of thing, maybe a more basic, older & bigger car.
• Family support- we only really have my mum who is a key consistent support and she's mid 70s, so although is very involved can't be as practically hands on as a younger grandparent would be and don't think she would be able to have 3 at once and certainly not overnight.
• Plans to buy a house, do abroad holidays would have to be put off another 4yrs or so until I'm back at work full time if we had another.

I'm 37, 38 this year and don't personally want to have a baby in my 40s, so really feel I need to be making a final decision this year, and planning my/our future down one path or another, but am driving myself mad not being able to come to a conclusion!

Just looking for others opinions, on what you would do in our situation, thankyou.

I don’t think people are necessarily responding just on the rental, I think they are being honest that they don’t see you as being financially stable enough to have a third child. You really aren’t in a strong position, particularly if anything unexpected was to happen. The kids are also going to get more expensive, and if you have any aspirations around supporting them as adults, having another child will significantly impact that. Also, your third child could have far more significant ASD than your first. That alone would make me really question whether it’s going to be this idealistic image…..

If you both want it, go for it!

There are plenty of families who have 1 or 2 children when they don’t have everything else lined up.

How many women have kids with useless men? (Loads).

If you want another, go for it. I have three kids, 4 bedrooms and they choose to sleep together still so 3 would be fine.

I think it’s about your financial security in the future not just the differences now. Are you happy to be paying rent when you retire or would you feel more comfortable with a mortgage paid off?
Would you like the option to downsize and release equity and give your DC a deposit towards their first property and for them to possibly inherit one day.
I think I answer for the majority that having two DC and using your 20k towards buying your own home is financially savvier than have three DC in a rented property.

This all makes alot of sense.

A part of me I think does crave another, and can't imagine NOT doing it all one more time, but there is another part of me that can't imagine going through it all the pregnancy, birth and baby stage again either!
Something has been holding me back from going for it and I'm not sure if it's fear of the unknown as I do tend to go on the side of caution in life, and actually i do want it, or if it's because underneath I know sticking with 2 is the right decision.
I wouldn't say I feel 'incomplete', or have a desperate desire for a child of the opposite gender, like some do.

This thread is giving me so much food for thought though, thankyou.
I'm certainly still very much on the fence and understand that many of the points raised against do make sense.
It's a decision that is going to take alot of careful weighing up.

Your posts have been very focussed on you (understandably, you’re the one that gets pregnant, that’s not a criticism) but have you thought about what is best for your children? About how it would impact them? Weighing up what they would lose and gain in both scenarios? For me, that would be the centre of my decision.

In your position no chance in hell

That's because you're on mumsnet. It's an absolutely ridiculous position borne of privilege &, sadly, ignorance.

Yes 3 kids is harder work, yes it costs more. Yes there are discussions to be about risks (every pregnancy is a risk!). But the idea that basing a decision on whether you can give them a fat inheritance / the deposit for a house / entirely pay for uni (you've no idea they will want to go to) etc etc is not what's important, it just isn't.

Raising happy, healthy, emotionally intelligent, kind children who feel loved & safe is about time & patience & admitting that you're always just winging it. Those things are far more important than owning houses, having inheritance & being able to buy in outside help. ANYTHING could happen to change someone's circumstances, anyones circumstances.

Sometimes I think there are ppl who here who just aren't quite brave enough to say they think that children should be limited based on income/worth.

It still all comes down to if you & your DH want a third & if you've the time for them. The rest is just fluff.

Youre not wrong but time and patience aren’t in abundance, it’s much easier to have quality time and patience with fewer children than a brood. One of the key reasons I stopped at 2 was so I could focus on my 2, have time with them individually, help them with homework, shuttle them to all their activities and play dates etc and not be in a storm of chaos.

The fact ANYTHING can change at any time is just more of an argument to restrict your family, divorce, death, disease can happen at any time, it’s not a reason to play victim if your circumstances suddenly change- this was something I considered carefully when I was having my children, how life changes on a dime.

So you can stand on your pedestal that people are being materialistic or elitist telling someone to be careful with how much they procreate, but realistically it is child centred advice. Having children today is different from even when I was raised in the 90s. Children are expensive, we understand mental health and relationships more than ever but equally live stressful, busy lives. We have higher expectations on parenting than we ever have before, and that’s a good thing.

I get what you're saying, but how it might impact our children has definitely been considered, in my OP and during the thread, for example age gaps affecting combined family activities and sharing bedrooms for example.Oldest daughter has asked for another sibling (although i appreciate reality is different to hypothetically) despite us loosely discussing potential cons aswell as pros if that were to happen, but if she was dead against the idea, that would be a huge consideration against.

Impact has to be measured entirely on what you know as an adult; financially, time, special needs etc. It can never be on whether you think a child would like a sibling or not, children don’t understand or comprehend that (and it’ll always change). It should never be put on them to express their opinion on it or you risk them blaming themselves if it turns out difficult for them (either way).

@Caerulea and @yugflalska I agree with aspects of both your responses.

There is always the consideration of spreading more thinly financially, emotionally, practically etc the more children you have.
As much as we love parenting and are very devoted to our girls, there would always be an element of that happening by default however hard we tried.

I do sometimes think that if everybody procreated by mumsnet criteria, the majority of the population would be childless! Living in an owned home, having individual bedrooms, doing lots of extra curricular activities and having regular holidays abroad are obviously 'nice to have' for children, but not essential as it seems they are sometimes viewed on here.

As for helping with house deposits, Uni fees, wedding costs and buying first cars- we already most likely won't be affording to do those things for the two we have, so a third wouldn't make the difference there for us.And do most families with 3 kids really have 6 figure sums in savings?! :-/

Ultimately the fact of children having parents who prioritise and love them unconditionally and can always give them what they NEED emotionally and practically is the absolute bottom line.

Sometimes I do think parenting expectations are TOO high and complex sometimes now, and want gets confused with need.

I grew up with a very privelidged upbringing, including financially.My parents didn't spoil me with material items,treats, presents etc, but paid for alot of the big things, and I knew that they would always bail me out financially if i needed them to.
That made me abit too lazy and unmotivated as I grew up just expecting things to fall in my lap as I was in a privelidged bubble and didn't have to really carve out a life funded by myself.
I also didn't appreciate the cost of things and how lucky I was to have what I did.

I would like my children to feel comfortable and provided for, but not expect privelidge on a plate and have responsibility to pay their own way as they get older.

It wasn't 'put on her' at all though...she has been asking alot about it and why we might why we might not etc and I have been answering her questions in a balanced and appropriately honest way.

I'm guessing you mean financial position?

Can parenting standards ever be too high really though? Surely you want the best for your children? I don’t want my children to miss out on ‘nice to haves’ just because of my own biological urges? Is it so bad to set high standards for our children? Society progresses, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. As I say it’s not all about throwing money at them, I won’t be able to afford house deposits for them and that didn’t make me stop at 1, but time is invaluable, and splitting it 3 ways means they lose out, however you cut it (especially with your age gaps and additional needs, plus financial situation)

I think when people say things like “I turned out fine”, or “is it really needed” they’re just looking for excuses. At least be honest with yourself as to why you’re doing it, if you can do that, you can make an informed decision.

I guess the trouble is- neither option is 100% ideal in the sense of buying a house or remaining renting where we are.

If we buy, my extra income and our savings would be swallowed up in the house (deposit and higher mortgage payments) so we probably wouldn't feel much financially better off than now, but on the flip side we would have abit more room and a secure home that was ours.

If we stay where we are renting, we get the same lovely area, great neighbours, lovely park right next to our house, short walk to school, half the living costs and still have some savings in the bank for a rainy day and more disposable income to enjoy life with and have holidays etc.But it would mean making do with not much space long term, and obviously there will always a level of future unknowns with with renting.

So its tricky as both have drawbacks but also positives.

I do see what you're saying...biological urge is probably part of it,but I'm not just desperate for another 'baby' as they are so lovely but also hard work!
Probably the biggest factor of it for me is that I had negative experiences of not having a siblings, and don't want my children to be in that position.

Yes I've given them each other, but I worry that if one of them dies (horrible to think but obviously sadly it does happen) or moves abroad etc, or if they had some big fall out, they would be on their own again....and i would feel so guilty for not giving them someone else.So I worry is just having one sibling really enough.

I know it's not a given having 3 that they will all get on, be close, live close etc....nothing is guaranteed and relationships are complex, but I know of two adults who were one of 3 and had a sibling die in young adulthood of illness and a car accident.And I thought 'what if' that was their only one.

That's not to say it's a definite reason to necessarily have another, but if it would probably be one of the main ones if we did.

It's all so individual which makes it difficult.....some children love a quiet home, others a busy one...some like sharing rooms others don't...some get on with their siblings others don't.
And you can't always predict what way it might go either can you.

I 100% resonate with this, and it’s probably the main reason I have 4….. but, in your case it is far less likely. The odds of you having a high needs child with more significant ASD related issues than your first is high. The odds of beautiful long term sibling dynamics seem to be outweighed by the odds of your 2 oldest needing to care for your third if anything happened to you and your husband. If you guys were flushed with cash or one of you were on a very high income, I’d be far more likely to roll that dice. You might not think you care about helping them with uni, housing, extracurricular activities, ‘elective medical stuff’, school trips etc right now, but when you have teens in front of you, that view will change. They are unlikely to be so deeply in love with each other when they know they are competing for scarce resources. You have a beautiful family with great dynamics, I’d probably do a bit of exploration around why you can’t be grateful for that and invest in that without thinking about another child. That’s not a criticism, if I hadn’t done that work, I’d probably be going for baby 5 right about now!!

I think unfortunately you are idealising sibling relationships. I am in my late forties and, as the years pass, I know more and more people who have had serious and lasting ruptures with siblings. You grow up, leave the nest and life takes you in different directions that you just can’t anticipate. If someone had told me as a teenager that my adored younger sibling would end up going down the path they have chosen then I would have been incredulous. But it happened…

Your two children are far more likely to be impacted by their parents going into old age without a home of their own than by what you are describing.

I have four. My third has severe needs. He didn't talk until he was 7. Didn't read or write until 11. Severely disabled by his autism. I don't regret having him ever. Not for a second. However it takes its toll and I have had to step up massively. That was the end of my corporate career. He was diagnosed after I had my fourth. So no idea what I was in for. Eldest is super bright so just assumed they all would be.

Yes it's definitely much more expensive as they get older. I did think yesterday after spending £60 on four bags of shopping in Asda "would I have had 4 knowing how much food has increased?" I would because we manage ok. Also a low income family but I got a massive redundancy that extended our house into a five bed. IDK. I feel like we wouldn't have a five bed without four kids. We wouldn't have been motivated to find a perfectly normal family house but with side land to extend. We'd be going on more holidays I guess. It changes your priorities. I do think there's been some luck and determination to do things differently. So while it's not been easy it's been good. The real hard work is when one of them massively needs you. At those times the rest do go on the back burner more than just 2 kids would. I spend quality time alone with each of the kids weekly also so I don't belive I have much quality time myself. Don't mind that as its my choice and I knew this was the deal