AIBU to go for a 3rd child?

[Onthefence87]

I am so consumed by the decision of whether to have a 3rd child (have been thinking about it basically every day for about 2 yrs) and feel time is running out to make our minds up, but how on earth do we make a decision? I know nobody can make it for us but based on these pros and cons, would you or wouldn't you?

Pros;
-I'm healthy, had 2 great pregnancies and relatively good births (1st I did have a minor PPH due to a tear and needed blood transfusions)
-Very involved hands on DH, who is an amazing dad and husband and is keen for another, if I'm on board.

• Have £££££ in inheritance/family savings which can be accessed whenever needed to give extra support financially.
• DH and i have stable jobs, mine is fairly flexible I can work from home and it's a family friendly profession.I would work part time 2/3 days until all children in school.
• We have alot of love to give- our existing daughters are our life focus.They are incredibly doted upon, invested in and despite us not being particularly well off they want for nothing and live a privelidged lifestyle.
• We don't have close families (DH) or big families (me) and sadly there have been some fall outs with DH's side which mean that our children are the only kids their age in the family and they don't see quite alot of their relatives. So feel a pro would be extending the network for our children.
• I don't obviously feel 'done' with having babies. I sold some toddler clothes on vinted last month but had to stop after as i can't bring myself to touch the baby ones- all the baby stuff is still in the attic and I am usually ruthless about getting rid of stuff so wonder if that's a sign I'm not ready to draw the line. I sometimes imagine looking back in afew years with a comfortable, easy life but having an awful stab of regret that I traded material bonuses such as nicer cars and holidays for another little person for us all to love and have as part of our family forever, and that I would feel really shallow for doing that, but it would be too late to change our decision.
• The sibling relationship is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (despite ours arguing at times!)...I feel like I want to recreate even more of it (I know its not all roses but we are a very close loving family so hope a 3rd would share all that too) I was an only child so maybe this feels extra magical.

Cons;
-We have quite a small rented house- 3 bed semi, so two kids would always have to share for foreseeable future (might be able to have 4 bed one day, but no guarantees)

• Had a miscarriage before each child so abit concerned that could happen again. One of the miscarriages was with triplets so slightly concerned that might increase my risk of having multiples another time!
• Part of me struggles to imagine going through the intense physical and emotional process of pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, worry over baby's fragility with safety/health and endless breastfeeding again. I'm also scared about potential health risks to me and prospective baby during pregnancy/birth partly due to my age, and of me dying in childbirth although I know that's rare now.
• Unsure how a baby would impact on opportunities and family dynamic for older two who are 3 and 8....if a 3rd would come between them or hold them back, and would DH and I spend alot of time divided to meet different needs (although 8yo only just turned 8 and is quite young & playful, so still likes many of the activities 3yo does)
• Costs- we are a low-ish income family and although I know the essentials would always be covered fine, another child would mean less extra curricular clubs, abroad holidays, visits to expensive attractions/meals out etc and less spent on birthday/Xmas presents & parties. Me and DH it might be having hair coloured at hairdressers or not having a gym membership, that sort of thing, maybe a more basic, older & bigger car.
• Family support- we only really have my mum who is a key consistent support and she's mid 70s, so although is very involved can't be as practically hands on as a younger grandparent would be and don't think she would be able to have 3 at once and certainly not overnight.
• Plans to buy a house, do abroad holidays would have to be put off another 4yrs or so until I'm back at work full time if we had another.

I'm 37, 38 this year and don't personally want to have a baby in my 40s, so really feel I need to be making a final decision this year, and planning my/our future down one path or another, but am driving myself mad not being able to come to a conclusion!

Just looking for others opinions, on what you would do in our situation, thankyou.

One thing I would consider, family time and relationships seems really important to you from what you have said so far. I know someone in a similar situation and when your third is a toddler, your eldest are not going to be wanting to do the same activities. You can’t really expect a 10 year old to want to go to soft play, so will likely end up with one parent with the younger two doing age appropriate activities and another with the eldest doing things they enjoy. My friend said this is so much harder than she anticipated and really affects family time, when they try to do things all together at least one child ends up moaning/melting down over not wanting to be wherever they are.

She was similar to you and couldn’t wait to have a big family but in reality they spend a fair amount of time as two groups. Something to consider if you haven’t thought of it before.

But there is no saying that your landlord would be willing to sell the house to you? They are equally likely to put it on the market to maximise their investment and you could find yourselves outbid by another investor.

You have a modest lump sum and need to think really carefully about how to use it to your best long-term advantage, which is probably by buying property (even if it’s just an investment flat).

At the moment your two children will be inheriting nothing, or perhaps a few grand each after funeral expenses are paid.

I wouldn’t underestimate the impact of hormones. I think we are biologically designed to feel clucky when that window is drawing to a close!
Not to be a downer, but I wouldn’t even contemplate it now you have added additional information about your finances. When you said you had inheritances and savings to dip into, I imagine most people were assuming a minimum of a 6-figure sum. Reality is, you may well struggle financially with 2 teenage and young adult children unless earning potential increases. There is no chance I would have another in those circumstances.

Is the house worth around 200k?

I had my Dc whilst renting and we later bought, however we were younger than you. Have you seen a mortgage advisor? You are going to be more limited with mortgage length as you go into your 40’s meaning higher repayments. Worth considering if you can afford to wait if you definitely want to buy a home.

IMO you should follow your heart, as long as you think it is doable financially.

It depends on your priorities. We already owned a house before we had children, so renting isn't something I'd want to keep doing.

I wanted 3 but we had our two relatively late in life. Second four years younger - having a third child would have skewed our priorities to baby / toddler / pre school when the older ones were at a different stage. We wanted to be able to fund lovely holidays, days out, activities and clubs etc. I was able to work part time (0.6) for years out of choice, but another child would have meant paying out for more childcare and most of my earnings wouid have gone on that for a few years.

Honestly I think a third baby might meet your needs BUT not having another baby would be meeting your existing children's needs and putting them first.
At their ages they can enjoy so much, holidays, days out, hobbies, activities, they should have their own room in their own home.

Child birth is not risk free, what if you couldn't work again, what if a severely disabled child meant no family holidays, such a gamble with your children's futures.

I would enjoy the 2 you have and make their lives the best they can be.
I know 4 people who went for a third, and only one couple say they don't regret this decision.

This is the crux of it, and when you centre the children you can overcome the urges, because pre-existing children should take priority.

Excellent post from @TheatreTraveller

Having another child should never be about just meeting your needs.

Yeah, that particular "pro" is nonsense.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. A cat 1 C-section means there is an immediate threat to life of the mother and/or baby. Basically, my DS and/or I could have died. I also believed it unlikely to happen but it nearly did to us. My DH had to wait 45 minutes after they’d rushed us away to find out our DS had been born and was alive.

As I said originally, I wouldn’t change having my DS here. He’s the perfect final piece in our family and his big sisters (10 and 3 when he was born a year ago) adore him completely. Should we have stuck to two children? Probably.

That must have been incredibly scary....thank goodness all was OK in the end! Life can be so unpredictable, and it's always hard to make decisions because of that fact.

I don't see how it's 'nonsense'....
yes not all siblings get on of course, but many do and I'm hopeful as we are a close and loving family that our kids will.

And it does build a bigger network the more kids you have.
I was an only child and whilst some might like it I really didn't....I had a really small family network, and spent most of my time around older adults who I didn't feel I could properly connect on a level with.
I was very lucky that my parents gave me lots of play & attention, and I had a privelidged comfortable upbringing, with lots of time, money and space.But I always loved being in busy homes with more people, and felt lonely quite abit growing up.I know I would have traded the privelidges for siblings without doubt.

My girls already have each other, which is an amazing blessing, and whilst I hope they both live long healthy lives, I do fear that if something happened to one of them growing up and the other was left as an only child again for the remainder of their life, I would feel so guilty I didn't have one more.

Siblings can provide lifelong relationships, a depth of shared memories and understanding that normal friendships can't often match.

It wouldn't primarily be to meet my 'needs'...my number one reason would be to give my children another sibling.

It's just the question of whether the benefits of that outweighs the benefits of more extra curricular activities, holidays, slightly bigger house, fancier birthday parties/presents etc.

And I feel that opinions on that would be divided depending on who was answering.

And I really don't know what my own opinion is!

Yes this is definitely one issue I'm concerned about....
My friend has 4 kids ages 1-11 and older kids do tend to have to tag along with younger activities I think as it's less easy to take a toddler to more grown up activities than the other way round.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing how have you found this issue so far?

Not in a rented house I wouldn’t.

Also 3 and 8 are very young and kids get much more costly as they get bigger. Even when you’re careful with money.

I personally think you need to get your finances in order first. We have four on a fairly high income and we have found it really stretches as they’ve got older. Also we got a bonus fourth!

Why on earth would you intentionally have another child with the way the world is deteriorating? No amount of money can address that.

Lots of people saying they wouldn't have a 3rd in a rental property, but I'm curious as to what is so different about having 3 kids in a rented home to already having 2 kids in one? :-/

(Taking out the equation whether we buy in future or not as that's not a definite whatever route we choose)

Your cons outweigh your pros. Focus on the children you already have. I also think it’s quite normal as you approach the end of your fertile years to have a pang of “one last one” but it passes.

I think many want two so their child has a sibling (which many can understand) and feel a third is less desirable and two is enough. I certainly felt that way.

I definitely wouldn’t in your position, buying a house should definitely be a priority IMO. It sounds like you have a lovely family unit, what if you get thrown a curve ball? A child with significant SEND for example? Multiple birth? I know a few who have had twins in their ‘third’.

Also, the world is built for 4 - hotel rooms, theme park rides, cars (when you’re dealing with car seats). I wouldn’t rock the boat.

Also, a friend of mine had a 3rd with similar age gaps to you and the eldest ended up quite alienated.

With size of house and the fact you had a multiple pregnancy. No I wouldn't risk it

It is an issue. Luckily, my 11yo usually still quite likes the younger activities but we try to give her the choice in what she joins in with.

I am not sure why you're asking us. The more you post, the more it's obvious that you want another baby ......... And that's fine.

Personally, I wouldn't. You're just emerging from the grunt parenting years. You have some money but not loads. You say you want to buy your own house so having another baby will put that back 5 years plus. There would be a big age gap between DC1 and your third so not that many activities you can do altogether so effectively splitting the family up for leisure activities. Plus if you have a baby with any additional needs, this will obviously impact hugely on any family.

I would concentrate on the family you have, but I am not you

I had an accidental third and it feels like adding another 10 children not one.
No idea why it’s so much harder but it is.