AIBU to go for a 3rd child?

[Onthefence87]

I am so consumed by the decision of whether to have a 3rd child (have been thinking about it basically every day for about 2 yrs) and feel time is running out to make our minds up, but how on earth do we make a decision? I know nobody can make it for us but based on these pros and cons, would you or wouldn't you?

Pros;
-I'm healthy, had 2 great pregnancies and relatively good births (1st I did have a minor PPH due to a tear and needed blood transfusions)
-Very involved hands on DH, who is an amazing dad and husband and is keen for another, if I'm on board.

• Have £££££ in inheritance/family savings which can be accessed whenever needed to give extra support financially.
• DH and i have stable jobs, mine is fairly flexible I can work from home and it's a family friendly profession.I would work part time 2/3 days until all children in school.
• We have alot of love to give- our existing daughters are our life focus.They are incredibly doted upon, invested in and despite us not being particularly well off they want for nothing and live a privelidged lifestyle.
• We don't have close families (DH) or big families (me) and sadly there have been some fall outs with DH's side which mean that our children are the only kids their age in the family and they don't see quite alot of their relatives. So feel a pro would be extending the network for our children.
• I don't obviously feel 'done' with having babies. I sold some toddler clothes on vinted last month but had to stop after as i can't bring myself to touch the baby ones- all the baby stuff is still in the attic and I am usually ruthless about getting rid of stuff so wonder if that's a sign I'm not ready to draw the line. I sometimes imagine looking back in afew years with a comfortable, easy life but having an awful stab of regret that I traded material bonuses such as nicer cars and holidays for another little person for us all to love and have as part of our family forever, and that I would feel really shallow for doing that, but it would be too late to change our decision.
• The sibling relationship is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (despite ours arguing at times!)...I feel like I want to recreate even more of it (I know its not all roses but we are a very close loving family so hope a 3rd would share all that too) I was an only child so maybe this feels extra magical.

Cons;
-We have quite a small rented house- 3 bed semi, so two kids would always have to share for foreseeable future (might be able to have 4 bed one day, but no guarantees)

• Had a miscarriage before each child so abit concerned that could happen again. One of the miscarriages was with triplets so slightly concerned that might increase my risk of having multiples another time!
• Part of me struggles to imagine going through the intense physical and emotional process of pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, worry over baby's fragility with safety/health and endless breastfeeding again. I'm also scared about potential health risks to me and prospective baby during pregnancy/birth partly due to my age, and of me dying in childbirth although I know that's rare now.
• Unsure how a baby would impact on opportunities and family dynamic for older two who are 3 and 8....if a 3rd would come between them or hold them back, and would DH and I spend alot of time divided to meet different needs (although 8yo only just turned 8 and is quite young & playful, so still likes many of the activities 3yo does)
• Costs- we are a low-ish income family and although I know the essentials would always be covered fine, another child would mean less extra curricular clubs, abroad holidays, visits to expensive attractions/meals out etc and less spent on birthday/Xmas presents & parties. Me and DH it might be having hair coloured at hairdressers or not having a gym membership, that sort of thing, maybe a more basic, older & bigger car.
• Family support- we only really have my mum who is a key consistent support and she's mid 70s, so although is very involved can't be as practically hands on as a younger grandparent would be and don't think she would be able to have 3 at once and certainly not overnight.
• Plans to buy a house, do abroad holidays would have to be put off another 4yrs or so until I'm back at work full time if we had another.

I'm 37, 38 this year and don't personally want to have a baby in my 40s, so really feel I need to be making a final decision this year, and planning my/our future down one path or another, but am driving myself mad not being able to come to a conclusion!

Just looking for others opinions, on what you would do in our situation, thankyou.

Sorry, agree with others re finances. What happens if your landlord sells and you no longer have a lower rent?

Your rent is low now but what if your landlord was selling and you needed to find another place with higher rent? Could you still afford a third in this scenario?

I would go for it, although I had my third pregnancy at 38 and had twins. It does impact financially but a decade on and we’re in the process of buying a house. We did have to sacrifice luxuries for quite a while, but I think it was worth it. My four kids bicker but they also play together and enjoy each other’s company so much. It is a joy to me, every day

Realistically you aren’t going to be able to afford a 4 bedroom house in your lovely area so that’s a massive factor. That plus if you don’t buy until mid 40’s you’ll possibly have a mortgage until around 70.

Wise words here, thankyou.We have discussed pros and cons alot but possibly need to discuss longer term implications especially financial in further detail.

I would have a 3rd as I absolutely love having kids and it's not all about money. Plenty of people have big families on a tight budget.

It really shines through your post how much you want a 3rd and you should do what you want and not overthink it.

i think you should do it but that’s because I’m pro 2+ families and a lot of people on mumsnet think 2 is more than enough

This is a good point.Hopefully won't happen as its one of my worst nightmares and we love our home, but if landlord did ever sell before we were in a position to buy, we would need to rent somewhere else and either stretch financially to afford it or top up with some savings to do so.

It doesn't sound very sensible.

Also, we went for a 2nd and it was twins. It might not be just a 3rd, something to consider.

Put yourself as the 50 year old you - will you have regrets about not having a third child.

Sorry, are you saying there should be a child cap on families that aren't home owners? Good grief! How very Mumsnet 🙄

OP - if you've the time, love & patience for a 3rd then you'll make it work out somehow. Unless you're in dire straits then I don't think finances are a good motivator - it's about your capacity & your energy, which it sounds like you have in spades.

Yes this is definitely something I'm abit anxious about!

you obviously want another one so stop overthinking and just go for it. you may regret not having that 3rd child when you no longer can.

It's soo hard to know whether I would have any 'life would have felt so much easier with two' thoughts sometimes, as some on here do if we did go for it, or else feel a pang of sadness and regret every time I see a family of 5 wishing that had been us if we didn't....it's impossible to know I guess.

It’s so hard, OP. Babies are lovely and I will still want one when I’m 80 and smiling at someone else’s LO on a bus!

I think the incredible joy of a child is nature’s compensation for the pain and fear and overall toll of having one. In times gone by, we would have just had more, hardships or not. That toll was a given, so the joy was a blessing.

We miss the little people that could have existed if we didn’t have the choice we are making. The choice our ancestors didn’t have: to stop, and concentrate our resources into fewer children, for our existing children’s benefit and for our own.

I know if I got pregnant with #3 by accident I’d be over the moon because that ‘choice’ would be out of my hands, but I can’t sensibly justify taking that step so 🤷‍♀️

My second and third pregnancies weren’t planned and with us relocating to a new town immediately after no 2 arrived, I became a SAHM and household income was low. We made sacrifices and coped and with all three now through university and settled with partners, I’m more than happy with what life dealt me. As @Swonderful implies, the advice not to have a third is not what you will wish to hear, but I would say that a family of five (or six!) does have its rewards.

There are many reasons why not to have another. The practicalities of a third in terms of car seats, family hotel rooms, sharing the resources, spreading the finances, plus the emotional toil of possible further losses or the next baby having unexpected additional needs etc.
But….. these things aren’t insurmountable. Will you ever feel complete without that third baby?
In your position I would not have another. But no one can make this decision but you.

I do think it’s important for children to have their own bedrooms and space so unless you can gurantee a fourth bedroom in the near future I wouldn’t personally. Some kids like sharing mind you but in my area children were bullied if they shared bedrooms with siblings but times may have changed since then xx

I am the absolute queen of overthinking....it's been a massive battle between heart and head as I love children, love the multiple sibling dynamic I've witnessed in other families, and love being a parent, but I'm also quite cautious and risk averse, and know we don't tick all the boxes for a 3rd child that we did for a 2nd..but maybe I'm abit too idealistic.
Eg; living in quite an affluent area makes me feel that 2 kids sharing might be unreasonable as nobody else has that round here, it's all bought 3/4 beds with 2 kids (and often 4 beds with one child or less!)

If we do end up buying a home, then potentually wouldn't have much savings left so helping with house deposits, Uni, driving lessons, weddings etc would very likely not be possible and out the question however many kids we have, so not taking that into account so much really.

Do it. I did. He is an absolute joy. I knew I wasn’t done and yea it’s hard work and sacrifice but it has been an absolute wonder to have a third. He is loved and adored by not only us but his siblings and wider family. It sounds like you can make it work financially so just do it. Sounds like you might regret it if you don’t. Good luck!

I was going to say yes until I got to the bit about you renting. So if you had a third, you'd be renting a 3bed into your 40s. I think I would prioritise buying a house for the security for the family you have. You may think a mortgage til you're 70 is fine, but I'm nearly 50 and have so many friends and colleagues in their 50s with health problems and struggling to work full time. Having to both work ft to pay a mortgage and support 3DC can feel like a lot as you get older. I appreciate a lot of people are fine, of course, and like everything it's a calculated risk.

I do think it's clear you really want a third so I can understand if it's heart over head - but from the outside it wouldn't be sensible IMO.

You sound like a lovely, happy family and I wish you luck in making the choice.

What about the environmental costs?

You might want another baby but they are not babies for long, you’ll need to think about how you will feel going through the teen stage 3 times. Also, considewr that your 3rd child could be more difficult in some way,for instance could have special needs

This, 100%

I have never commented on other people’s posts before but what really struck me about yours is that you often came back with a counter argument to the posters that were saying that you shouldn’t have a third baby, that struck me as very telling about where your heart lies and what you should do. Good luck!