AIBU to go for a 3rd child?

[Onthefence87]

I am so consumed by the decision of whether to have a 3rd child (have been thinking about it basically every day for about 2 yrs) and feel time is running out to make our minds up, but how on earth do we make a decision? I know nobody can make it for us but based on these pros and cons, would you or wouldn't you?

Pros;
-I'm healthy, had 2 great pregnancies and relatively good births (1st I did have a minor PPH due to a tear and needed blood transfusions)
-Very involved hands on DH, who is an amazing dad and husband and is keen for another, if I'm on board.

• Have £££££ in inheritance/family savings which can be accessed whenever needed to give extra support financially.
• DH and i have stable jobs, mine is fairly flexible I can work from home and it's a family friendly profession.I would work part time 2/3 days until all children in school.
• We have alot of love to give- our existing daughters are our life focus.They are incredibly doted upon, invested in and despite us not being particularly well off they want for nothing and live a privelidged lifestyle.
• We don't have close families (DH) or big families (me) and sadly there have been some fall outs with DH's side which mean that our children are the only kids their age in the family and they don't see quite alot of their relatives. So feel a pro would be extending the network for our children.
• I don't obviously feel 'done' with having babies. I sold some toddler clothes on vinted last month but had to stop after as i can't bring myself to touch the baby ones- all the baby stuff is still in the attic and I am usually ruthless about getting rid of stuff so wonder if that's a sign I'm not ready to draw the line. I sometimes imagine looking back in afew years with a comfortable, easy life but having an awful stab of regret that I traded material bonuses such as nicer cars and holidays for another little person for us all to love and have as part of our family forever, and that I would feel really shallow for doing that, but it would be too late to change our decision.
• The sibling relationship is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (despite ours arguing at times!)...I feel like I want to recreate even more of it (I know its not all roses but we are a very close loving family so hope a 3rd would share all that too) I was an only child so maybe this feels extra magical.

Cons;
-We have quite a small rented house- 3 bed semi, so two kids would always have to share for foreseeable future (might be able to have 4 bed one day, but no guarantees)

• Had a miscarriage before each child so abit concerned that could happen again. One of the miscarriages was with triplets so slightly concerned that might increase my risk of having multiples another time!
• Part of me struggles to imagine going through the intense physical and emotional process of pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, worry over baby's fragility with safety/health and endless breastfeeding again. I'm also scared about potential health risks to me and prospective baby during pregnancy/birth partly due to my age, and of me dying in childbirth although I know that's rare now.
• Unsure how a baby would impact on opportunities and family dynamic for older two who are 3 and 8....if a 3rd would come between them or hold them back, and would DH and I spend alot of time divided to meet different needs (although 8yo only just turned 8 and is quite young & playful, so still likes many of the activities 3yo does)
• Costs- we are a low-ish income family and although I know the essentials would always be covered fine, another child would mean less extra curricular clubs, abroad holidays, visits to expensive attractions/meals out etc and less spent on birthday/Xmas presents & parties. Me and DH it might be having hair coloured at hairdressers or not having a gym membership, that sort of thing, maybe a more basic, older & bigger car.
• Family support- we only really have my mum who is a key consistent support and she's mid 70s, so although is very involved can't be as practically hands on as a younger grandparent would be and don't think she would be able to have 3 at once and certainly not overnight.
• Plans to buy a house, do abroad holidays would have to be put off another 4yrs or so until I'm back at work full time if we had another.

I'm 37, 38 this year and don't personally want to have a baby in my 40s, so really feel I need to be making a final decision this year, and planning my/our future down one path or another, but am driving myself mad not being able to come to a conclusion!

Just looking for others opinions, on what you would do in our situation, thankyou.

I am sorry but I don’t think your financial situation is as strong as you initially suggested in your OP.

Several times on this thread your answer has been to dip into savings. Unless you have them invested those savings are being eroded over time anyway via inflation. Plus house prices inevitably go up in the long term. You also seem to be on relatively low incomes.

You have an opportunity now to buy a property and get some financial security. That opportunity might not be around for ever, especially if your savings dwindle. A third child permanently increases your needs and costs in every aspect of your lives.

I was one of three and, knowing now the level of support that I am able to give my own teenage DC, feel that my parents simply spread themselves far too thin. There were multiple occasions when one child’s needs were significantly overlooked because they were simply so busy with another child. And that was with a SAHM. They had a child looking at universities and another child learning to read at the same time! One of my parents got cancer when I was still in primary school and my younger sibling had barely started. They were only in their mid forties. Not to mention an economic crisis wiping out their savings…

Your existing children are still very young and it could still be the case that additional needs are diagnosed later on - it happened to us. To some extent you are still in the ‘easy’ years, but the level of parental support required with homework, education and extracurricular activities only increases as children grow. Plus do take a look at those student funding threads…

Life happens and you are currently at the whim of a landlord. Your situation could change overnight, with one letter on the mat. It is incredibly competitive to get rental properties in some areas and many landlords are not keen on renting to families. They will never say it but just find another reason.

If anything you need to be increasing your security and resilience, rather than increasing your needs.

I would focus on the two you have. Get back to work full time when your youngest starts school, save and buy a house you can afford, without needing another bedroom.
you describe a lovely relationship between your dc. A third can massively change that, for the better or worse.

Savings 20k (then 10k in children's accounts)
Current household income about 48k
Would rise to about 63k when both full time.
Children aged 3.5 and just turned 8.
Live in the East of England.

What are your financial aspirations? Owning a home? By what point? Holidays? Days out? What lifestyle are you aiming for, for you and your children? Have you scoped out cost of teens? School trips etc? You’re working with a limited income so I’d think very carefully about what you want to provide for your children, you’ll be taking a lot from them for you to have another baby.

I love children, love the multiple sibling dynamic I've witnessed in other families

One thing that occurred to me was that a third may be difficult for your older child - who you said is 8? My DH had a baby sibling when he was 10 and found it very difficult indeed; as a teen he didn’t want anything to do with a toddler and by the time his youngest brother was 8 or 9, DH was off elsewhere. Similarly, with a 5 year gap between your existing two, you may not have that long where they’re happy to play together etc (on the same basis that a 13 year old won’t have much time for an 8 year old). So you may end up, in reality, with 3 pretty separate children rather than the “brood” you hoped for. (There is absolutely nothing wrong with this - nothing at all. But it is a different family dynamic.)

I have three children. My first two pregnancies were great overall with straightforward births. My third pregnancy was stressful by the end - I had gestational diabetes and needed insulin injections and made the decision to be induced at 38w under consultant advice. DS’s heart rate dropped drastically and I haemorrhaged so I had a category 1 EMCS under general anaesthetic. Very scary for both DH and I and he wasn’t allowed into theatre with me.

Now DS is here, he’s the most gorgeous little thing and I’d do it all again for him but don’t underestimate how much having a third costs. Everything is set up for 2 children. We need a bigger car and the ones that have three full seats in the back come with a bigger price tag. We need a bigger house - we’re currently in a 3-bed with our DDs sharing but we will need a large 4-bed at least. A 5-bed would be better.

We don’t want to change what our eldest two have become accustomed to in terms of extracurricular activities so we cut back in other ways. Everything we have we give to our children.

Thankyou this is a thought provoking reply.
You are right that there is always a risk of that happening whilst renting.
Oldest daughter has always been quite needy and intense to parent, and has had some low level additional needs (mild ASD) which means obviously we do have to make sure she has quite alot of emotional investment.

Yes that's a good point and something u have wondered about too.

Not sure of pensions amount but isn't great.My employer puts in a decent amount but DH's is quite rubbish and he didn't pay in for awhile over covid as was furloughed and income reduced so he paused it.

This would then be an absolute no from me. A third child with significant ASD needs would make family life significantly trickier than it is now.

I mean if there ever was a clear answer as to whether to have a third I would say this thread is it! Every reply you’ve given shows it’s just not a good idea for your family, I appreciate this isn’t always a rational thing and you’re dealing with strong hormones and feelings, but I really would focus your time on your children and, kindly, improving your situation which isn’t ideal even without the 3rd, thinking about your living situation and pensions etc. You don’t want to waste these short years with your children wistfully thinking about a 3rd when there’s plenty to focus on now.

I'll go against the grain and say go for it! Mumsnetters can be very risk averse... Telling you to not have another child because you rent? Lots of people have children and rent and you've said you'll be able to buy in the future. Also nothing wrong with sharing bedrooms. Those saying to think about when you have to pay for uni and house deposits for them - this is optional, I'm sure the vast majority of children in the UK are not given this, I know I wasn't.

I'm terrible at decision making but what helps me is thinking about the different futures in my head... Which one would I regret more if it didn't happen?

This is the sort of thing that puts me off the most- the worry of the health risks of pregnancy and giving birth again.
I think it's been what's holding me back the most, and I admit I've had intrusive thoughts in my head before of me lying in hospital in a life threatening statenduring the birth of a 3rd, asking myself why I didn't just stick with two and realising I'd made the wrong decision and it was too late to go back and i was possibly going to be leaving my kids without a mum :(

I know that's unlikely to happen realistically...but I am well aware them having me present and healthy is the most important thing.

I had a relatively easy pregnancy (spd aside - but i am already hypermobile) and problem free home birth with first. I had an easy pregnancy with my second, fast birth centre delivery with second, mws considering sending me home early as they said i was ‘clearly made for child birth.’ Then it went wrong and i ended up haemorrhaging, needing surgery, blood transfusions, and a week in hospital. The consultant described it as ‘just bad luck.’

No, you don't own your own home and you don't even have enough bedrooms in the home you currently have. This is just basics!

Going off potential ages if you were to have a third
A 10 year old with possible ASD looking ahead to high school, a 5 year old who would have just started school or be in early primary and a newborn would be too stressful for me but everyone is different.

Of course there shouldn’t be a cap- never said that. My perspective is it’s a bloody stupid thing to do when you don’t have the security of a home to further stretch yourself financially. The rental market is extortionate, and I wouldn’t want to be at the mercy of it. The OP has 2 children to think of- the airy fairy idea that all you need is love to raise children is crap.

It sounds like you will always wonder 'what if' if you didn't have another.

Personally I think twos company, threes a crowd. If you conceived quickly then maybe your youngest two would be close enough in age to have similar interests. However if it took a while you basically have 3 individual children with different interests and needs. I can only imagine the school holidays being a nightmare - firstly the cost of keeping children entertained but also finding things that are suitable for all 3. Youngest would get bored at activities aimed at elder two, eldest would get bored if activities aimed at younger ones (and wouldn't necessarily be old enough to be left at home alone). Also as your eldest gets older they might have more expensive tastes depending on child. Branded goods, computer games, phone etc would they be resentful at possibly not having all the latest must haves their friends have and having to share a bedroom.

Ultimately though I think if you want it to work then you will make it happen.

Thing is the rental market is dire at the moment. We were in a v similar position to OP. Our landlord sold up and all the nearby rentals were double or more price. I know a lot renters who have been forced out of their homes and areas in the last couple of years. A few years ago housing and costs didn’t have the same risks attached.

OP have a look at houses in your area now. If you had to move could you?

Thanks so much for all these answers....this has been so useful!

I do feel like after an intense and stressful few years of parenting we are beginning to come through the other side....girls are playing together and occupying themselves well, both becoming more independent, sleeping better and through the night.Not needing so much baby equipment and general stuff, so it's easier to go out etc.
I think that's why I'm getting consumed by thinking about what path to take next now...it feels like we are coming up for air and have some space and time again.Up until recently I knew I wasn't in that place so would never have acted on the thoughts anyway.
(It took me over 3 yrs after DD1 to feel ready to start trying for DD2....I couldn't cope with a baby and a toddler at once!)

Life is starting to feel easier....so it does feel kind of crazy in a way that we are contemplating rocking the boat and going back to more chaos! 🙈 But also maybe we actually miss that abit as things are starting to feel abit quiet, haha.

I'm currently EBF youngest but stopping soon...I do wonder how the hormones impact emotionally due to that, and as I'm 37 so biological clock is ticking too.

Would like to own a house and in a way would love a bigger garden, more space in home and somewhere we can make more alterations to/modernise. But because our area, house and neighbours are really nice and the rent so cheap, it's a hard decision to move.....if I worked full time then bought a house our additional income would get eaten up by the additional living costs, so in reality it probably wouldn't really mean bettering our current lifestyle in the sense of holidays abroad, more spare funds for days out or general indulgences for any of us.Or ability to do much renovation to the prospective house i suppose.
So might stay where we are if possible for awhile anyway just to give kids a chance to travel with us, support their increasing costs etc.
Also, if all our savings are put into a house, that does scare me incase there was some emergency and we needed some money.

So it's swings and roundabouts!

Yes there's not alot about nowadays I agree! If our landlord was to sell I think we would try and buy our current home tbh.

I have three children and having my 3rd was the best decision. The other 2 were 6 and 3 when he was born and they absolutely doted on him. They used to fight over who was going to play with him when they got home from school!

It IS expensive. Fitting 3 car seats in a car usually means upgrading your car. But the two younger ones shared a room very happily until they were 14 and 11.

personally I think that if you’re not “done” and really want a 3rd child and your husband feels the same, you’ll regret not having them. Our youngest completed our family in ways I never imagined. And not once did we ever consider having a fourth!

I think being risk averse is a good thing here.

The more the OP posts the more it looks like having a third is a bad idea - risk of disability, risk of other extra needs, financial, logistics, living arrangements, risk to the OP's health etc. I can't see any positives to having another other than fulfilling a want for the OP, and we can't always have what we want in life.

This isn't being overly risk averse, it is being sensible.

You said yourself that you are terrible at decision making, and in this case I think k it would not be able good decision to. have a third

I know it sounds funny but have you thought about getting a kitten or puppy?

I would get a home first as childcare costs will er into what you can borrow.