AIBU to go for a 3rd child?

[Onthefence87]

I am so consumed by the decision of whether to have a 3rd child (have been thinking about it basically every day for about 2 yrs) and feel time is running out to make our minds up, but how on earth do we make a decision? I know nobody can make it for us but based on these pros and cons, would you or wouldn't you?

Pros;
-I'm healthy, had 2 great pregnancies and relatively good births (1st I did have a minor PPH due to a tear and needed blood transfusions)
-Very involved hands on DH, who is an amazing dad and husband and is keen for another, if I'm on board.

• Have £££££ in inheritance/family savings which can be accessed whenever needed to give extra support financially.
• DH and i have stable jobs, mine is fairly flexible I can work from home and it's a family friendly profession.I would work part time 2/3 days until all children in school.
• We have alot of love to give- our existing daughters are our life focus.They are incredibly doted upon, invested in and despite us not being particularly well off they want for nothing and live a privelidged lifestyle.
• We don't have close families (DH) or big families (me) and sadly there have been some fall outs with DH's side which mean that our children are the only kids their age in the family and they don't see quite alot of their relatives. So feel a pro would be extending the network for our children.
• I don't obviously feel 'done' with having babies. I sold some toddler clothes on vinted last month but had to stop after as i can't bring myself to touch the baby ones- all the baby stuff is still in the attic and I am usually ruthless about getting rid of stuff so wonder if that's a sign I'm not ready to draw the line. I sometimes imagine looking back in afew years with a comfortable, easy life but having an awful stab of regret that I traded material bonuses such as nicer cars and holidays for another little person for us all to love and have as part of our family forever, and that I would feel really shallow for doing that, but it would be too late to change our decision.
• The sibling relationship is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (despite ours arguing at times!)...I feel like I want to recreate even more of it (I know its not all roses but we are a very close loving family so hope a 3rd would share all that too) I was an only child so maybe this feels extra magical.

Cons;
-We have quite a small rented house- 3 bed semi, so two kids would always have to share for foreseeable future (might be able to have 4 bed one day, but no guarantees)

• Had a miscarriage before each child so abit concerned that could happen again. One of the miscarriages was with triplets so slightly concerned that might increase my risk of having multiples another time!
• Part of me struggles to imagine going through the intense physical and emotional process of pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, worry over baby's fragility with safety/health and endless breastfeeding again. I'm also scared about potential health risks to me and prospective baby during pregnancy/birth partly due to my age, and of me dying in childbirth although I know that's rare now.
• Unsure how a baby would impact on opportunities and family dynamic for older two who are 3 and 8....if a 3rd would come between them or hold them back, and would DH and I spend alot of time divided to meet different needs (although 8yo only just turned 8 and is quite young & playful, so still likes many of the activities 3yo does)
• Costs- we are a low-ish income family and although I know the essentials would always be covered fine, another child would mean less extra curricular clubs, abroad holidays, visits to expensive attractions/meals out etc and less spent on birthday/Xmas presents & parties. Me and DH it might be having hair coloured at hairdressers or not having a gym membership, that sort of thing, maybe a more basic, older & bigger car.
• Family support- we only really have my mum who is a key consistent support and she's mid 70s, so although is very involved can't be as practically hands on as a younger grandparent would be and don't think she would be able to have 3 at once and certainly not overnight.
• Plans to buy a house, do abroad holidays would have to be put off another 4yrs or so until I'm back at work full time if we had another.

I'm 37, 38 this year and don't personally want to have a baby in my 40s, so really feel I need to be making a final decision this year, and planning my/our future down one path or another, but am driving myself mad not being able to come to a conclusion!

Just looking for others opinions, on what you would do in our situation, thankyou.

Why don't you buy a house?

Controversial opinion but teens are lovely in my experience. I have so much fun with my kids - much easier than when they're toddlers.

Was kind of answering questions/explaining situation in more detail, but yes perhaps it's also got a deeper meaning....the thought of actually being able to make a definite "no' decision and be okay with it honestly feels really hard.
I'm swaying back and forth like a pendulum, daily!

Explained upthread in another post, but basically can't get a mortgage for house size we need til our incomes increase when I work more (full time) hours, and would mean barely no savings anymore and double our housing costs each month.

I think you would probably regret it if you didn’t because you sound like you really want one. Maybe try for a couple of years and if it happens, it happens and if not when you’re 40 and you don’t want another baby in your 40s then so be it.

I wouldn’t in your situation but I’ve only ever wanted 2 so it’s easy for me to say. I would want to buy the house and also your kids will be 9 and 4 or even 10 and 5 by the time baby comes and that’s quite a big gap. Could be great in that it’s cheaper for childcare and easier to give baby 1:1 but also quite hard to keep children of such different ages entertained.

You haven’t mentioned your pension funds, which seems off-topic, but as you’re almost 40, renting and will either do so for a while, or purchase a house and presumably have a mortgage that you continue to pay until you’re 60+, this would be a huge consideration for me in the 3rd child debate.

Assuming you get pregnant and have a child when you’re 40, if you’re still paying for a mortgage, plus bills, plus uni fees and paying into a pension at 60, will your pension be big enough for you to retire at 67 (which I think is the current female pension age in UK)?

Many people plan to have their mortgage paid off in their 50s/early 60s, &/or have their DC out of paid education by then, so they can maximise their pension for a comfortable retirement.

If you guys each have 6-figure pensions currently (despite the recent drop 🙄) and can continue to add to that alongside mortgage and nursery fees etc for 3 DC, that seems much more do-able than a couple with £20k of pension adding £50 per month for example.

We went for a third and they are so disabled I couldn't go back to work.
My first two pregnancies were perfectly fine, there was no indication something would go wrong.

So sorry to hear that 😞 There is a couple of families at my daughters school who I think have had similar happen with 3rd child having high level of additional needs
I guess there is always that uncertainty around those risks and it is something to consider.

I'd buck the trend and say yes if you have been thinking about it for two years and your 38. However I'm a home owner and bought our first house when my youngest was a few months old. In fact we had the mortgageaproved in theroy before i went on maternity leave. If you think you can buy when you go back to work full time I'd make that my number one priority alongside trying for number 3. Plenty of parents rent. However I do feel we going into very unstable times with the renters reform act and lots of landlords are selling up right now it seems.

The thing is, you never think it's going to happen to you, especially with 2 uneventful healthy pregnancies.
None of his disabilities were picked up by scanning either, one health problem flagged and the amniotic fluid came back fine.
As much as I love our third his arrival has had a hugely negative impact on the whole family, you can regret a child, if i could rewind time I would not have a third, I would feel lucky for the 2 I already have and concentrate on the financial security of their future.

I was completely with you until I got to rented house, just because I'd be worried about having to unsettle everyone and move to a different area if you have to delay buying your house too long. I personally don't think sharing a room is that bad when they're little, although I think when they get to teens it will be good to have their own space. I think it's something only you can decide, you can find ways to make it work. Only other thing to consider re costs, is that things like holidays can be a lot more expensive because a lot of hotel rooms are only for 4, you need 2 rooms.

I have a 3 and 4 year old and a 5 month old honestly . I really really wish I’d stopped at 2. We have no financial worries but no family support

We won’t be going for a third OP and we’re high earners (my husband is a v high earner tbh). Two girls here too. Amazing husband, v hands on, would love three - but I’m done and looking forward to us four creating memories and feeling more myself again outside sleep-deprived, knackered Mum. Two is enough for me.

Yes! I’m one of 3 and love having 2 siblings and I also have 3 and I am so glad I did 😊

The triplets is the biggest issue. Having had one multiple pregnancy your chances of another is significantly higher than that of the average.

For this reason, I'd stick to 2. You can't really afford a third. Children are expensive.

I’m not the best person to answer, as we ended up going for a fourth child. However, had I known how expensive everything would become, I may not have made the same decision….. and that’s coming from a place of having a large enough house and high income. Truthfully, in your situation, I’d be focusing on the two children you have. There are a lot of uncertainties, particularly around how the cost of things will be. You are a low income family (using your own terms), haven’t been able to buy a house yet, and aren’t sure if you could upgrade to renting a four bedroom house. Having another child will come with financial sacrifices for your first two children and your family. The fact you have a bit of money in savings wouldn’t be enough of a buffer for me personally, but I find financial stress quite anxiety provoking.

Could you give us top line your current savings, your current wages and then approximately what your wages would move to when you went full time.

Also how old are your DC? Which area of the country do you live?

I think your finances, we don't really know what they are, and currently you renting but eventually wanting to buy are the biggest queries to solve. If you shared this info, I think you would get better answers.

I stopped after 2DC. I had 4 MCs and just had had enough. Also finances, we earn a lot but work in a sector which restructures a lot, we've both been made redundant twice before so we always need savings in case this happens again

you put a lot on weight on how good the family dynamic is now, a third will change this massively…. more children impacts the current ones psychologically, middle child syndrome can be a big thing… maybe look at the dynamics of the different ages the children will be as they grow up and see if you think it will work - partly in terms of their relationships but also in terms of how you and your husband will be able to support them when it’s 3 against 2.

At the end of the day, I’m not sure it’s a decision that can be made on paper. If you both really want a third I am sure you will have one. If it’s a genuine paper exercise then I doubt the want is high enough to justify the sacrifices you and your children will have to make. You seem to have a good life currently.

I wanted a third and didn’t. My reasons were

my job is full on and I think I would’ve struggled to do a good job at work and at home

we don’t have a lot of help so it’d be a lot of pressure on us

wanted both my children to do activities and go on holidays and wouldn’t be able to do this easily with a third

giving both children enough attention

Mine are now 8 and 10. Eldest does a hobby that involves us taking them to lots of extra rehearsals, lots of performances dotted through the year. Youngest is starting to get more serious about a hobby they have. We just about manage to do that and work but it’s hard.

Can I suggest that you look at the further and higher education threads before you make a heart over head decision. If you are struggling financially with having young children you will find the cost of teenagers a huge shock.

And take the threads from the broody posters wearing rose tinted spectacles with a large pinch of salt.

I'm in the quit while you are ahead camp.

I'd normally advise having the size family you desire but your age, the sibling age gaps ( could well be trying for 1 + years which means another 5 year gap between youngest siblings), and the fact that financially it does sound a stretch would make me say stick with what you have.

I would focus on the 2 you have. You don’t sound very well set up financially, but for me time is the most important thing, don’t underestimate the time your children will need you as they get older and having another dilutes your time 1:1 with them. Also, with your eldest being 8 I think you’ve got an awkward age gap that will make the family dynamic challenging.

I probably would go for it. Many parents manage. Only on MN do you need to be earning £100k to have two children. Many manage on less. The smallest can share with you for a while.

Thanks for your honesty- yes it's been quite hard with 2 at times having limited support as it is as my mum doesn't drive that far, struggles with certain things like doing car seats etc, so couldn't easily replicate the parent role like some other grandparents are able to- eg; taking them both out to an attraction to the day alone or having them for a weekend would be too much.My dad was 10yrs older so even more elderly, and passed away afew years ago.
DH's family don't live that nearby, and it's only his siblings we speak to anyway as we are NC with his parents.

I also wonder, being an only child, about juggling caring for my mum in years to come (which will be my sole responsibility as we have noone else) with parenting....as it stands my kids would hopefully be at least teens when we are at that stage but if we had another they might still be quite young I guess.