To have spent £700 on a cleaner/gardener

[ReenaGee]

I'm a lone parent to a 5yo with ASD/ADHD. I have 10k saved and am doing relatively ok apart from being time poor. I work full time, DS the rest of the time. He can't be left alone.

I have booked a cleaner for a deep clean of my house, and a gardener to completely de-weed the garden, plant flowers, cut hedges, power wash etc. £700 in total.

Told my mum I had treated myself today as I've been stressed about where on earth I'm going to find the time to do it. I didn't tell her how much it was, but she proceeded to tell me I am wasting my money and should get on with adulting myself. Was said in a slightly jovial tone but equally she meant it.

Do, AIBU? IMHO it is the self care I need ATM pre summer but she's got in my head making me feel like I'm not achieving things I should be...

Given what you are having done, I think the price is ok tbh. And sounds a sensible idea, once the deep clean and garden tidy up has been done it will be easier to keep on top of it.

YANBU OP.

I think your mum doesn’t understand how emotionally difficult and time consuming it is when your child has special needs.

DH and I have a weekly cleaner and we only work part time ! And I am as working class as they come - it’s worth every penny. Am looking at paying help for the garden next!

Beyond the basics, money is for making your life more comfortable, fun or easier. £700 sounds great value to me. We've paid around that for some partial fencing in the past. Ignore what others say - you're happy with it and I can well understand how you don't have the time to do it yourself. Everyone chooses how to spend their money, many go into debt as a result. What you value is entirely up to you.

I think this thread opens up a wider debate about how, as mothers, we are expected to do everything and keep on top of everything in this modern world with its ever increasing pressures.
Women now are expected to raise children, go to work to do their job, cook, shop, clean, tidy, organise, manage daily life admin, help with homework, transport their children to various activities and carry the mental load of parenting. Add to that any neurodivergencies that their children might have and the parental input required quadruples. Meanwhile, this woman has received passive criticism from her own DM for paying for a gardener and cleaner to help her with things she can't keep on top of.
I think the bigger question here is why? Why are women expected by society to keep on top of everything all by themselves, when most of us are drowning and can't cope?

I think it's a great idea, and will be a real pick me up for you. You work hard, so if you can afford it, do it!. I would probably work out some sort of timetable though so that I can keep the house and garden maintained afterwards so that it wasn't needed again. Eg certain rooms on certain days.

Also if I was the moaning mother I would be pitching in to help (if wanted) rather than judging!

Do it. And I don't think people realise how long it takes to get a very neglected garden in good shape. I had a front garden that was so overgrown the neighbours complained because it was encroaching on the pavement. My husband had left me, I had several young children, a job and I was very overwhelmed. I made some attempts to clear it at the weekends, but just didn't have the time and I was miserable doing it.

I got a man to clear it and replant it with easily maintained plants. It took several days to clear, including getting rid of lots of garden waste and the garden wasn't very big at all. I paid 600 and that was mates rates.

Ignore your mum unless she's willing to come and do it for you.

I would love to pay that for my DD to have the same. Her home and garden shrieks overwhelm. I'm not criticising her in any way, but the chaos has to be adding to her stress. £700 has to be a bargain if you have it.

Good on you Op! Enjoy the calm it brings and keep on top of it. It’ll be a life changer for you.💐

Good for you

I think this is a great idea. I recently hired a cleaner again after our previous one moved away. As I work part-time I felt I ought to be doing the cleaning again. But alongside laundry, cooking, general household/parenting admin, I found myself short on time for cleaning. Our new cleaner is brilliant, she is far better at cleaning than me. And I feel that it’s very good value for money, as not only is it the hours of cleaning that she relieves me of, but also the many more hours of feeling stressed about seeing an unclean house/dirt building up, and knowing it falls to me to do this chore and find the time for it.

It's a brilliant idea. I hope they do an excellent job for you. I've been considering similar and you may just have spurred me on!

I’ve spent £900 on tree cutting, pruning in the last 2 visits. I can’t do it myself - can’t reach and handle the long handle loppers. So I pay to get it sorted. This doesn’t include weeding or mowing

I can’t warrant a cleaner

I agree it will make you happier than a couple of spa days would

It’s a great plan. Your mum isn’t offering to do it? It’s not a very kind impulse to want you to do it all - help isn’t a weakness and this is help you can easily pay for. Enjoy it.

Absolutely!!
we spent about that to have our garden fully cut, tidied and all waste disposed of and it was worth it cos we weren’t getting to it at all and the stress it lifted was immense.

@ohioatdawnabsolutely!! Working full time and being the only parent in a household must be exhausting - there’s two of us and we barely get to things like gardening and deep cleaning. Once it’s done and rest it’s easier to keep on top of BUT we’ve forgotten really. We all sort of know how much unpaid labour women have always done but ignore that so much of it has just been added onto working as well. And historicallly speaking I’d bet we have more houses with gardens, adding workload, and expectations of cleanliness have increased with ‘technological advances’ but really, we need to realign and remember clothes don’t need washing after one wear and all that as well as simply acknowledging there are only so many hours in the day.

I think the response you got is in the way you presented it.

If you said I'm paying a man to put up the Wendy house and lay gravel and someone else to clean the carpets and deep clean the oven, I don't think you'd get the same response.

Normal weeding and tidying are part of adulting really. But I can see why getting on top of it so you can manage going forward if things have got out of hand makes sense.

If you can't do that then it's a bit pointless but I'd assume you've been through the worst in terms of toddler years etc.

It’s a good idea if you can afford it. Imagine how lovely it would be when it’s done.

Tell your mother that 'adulting' includes making decisions that are right for you in your particular circumstances and spending the money YOU earn in ways that benefit YOU and your family.

YANBU. I spend almost that getting my windows and shutters cleaned yearly. I really don't want to do it, but it's a job that needs doing. I bet it'll be well worth it!

I think the poster who said you don't get any prizes for running yourself ragged is spot on.

People are perfectly entitled to have different priorities but there's nothing to be gained by being a martyr for the sake of it.

You sound like you're doing an incredible job as a single parent.

I know you're thinking of keeping the cleaner on long term. All I would say is that if you've got a nice fresh start, something like The Organised Mum Method of cleaning might be practical for you. I've found it helpful.

Dont base your decisions on feedback from your mother. Thats adulting, not her opinions about you.

indeed! Getting help with the garden was a real game changer for me - I went from loathing going outside to it being this wonderful useable space all summer - it looks fab, my daughter is out there all the time, I get to spend time just enjoying it instead of hating it, bbqs at the drop of a hat!

Just flagging ours comes every week over the summer months (but our garden is pretty big). He does a lot more than mowing and weeding, he plants and jet washes and moves things around too. But there is a lot of weeding 😫